I strongly apologize if I gave the perception that I believe Jefe used the 37 Rules as a weapon against his wife. I thought I was very specific when I said I have been a silent observer of this forum for years and watched many people misuse these principles. Jefe has not been on this forum for many years.
I said the 37 rules are not to be used as weapons or excuses and a lot of people on this forum use them as weapons and excuses which is why many are getting divorced despite thier "best" attempts to reconcile.
Jefe is not getting a divorce. He is currently in a state of limbo.
I made it clear that I did not start posting until I saw one specific man on this forum use the 37 Rules to abuse his wife.
Starsky, I admire how you defend Jefe. I admire that you believe I attacked him and you came to his rescue. I also respect the advice you give him. It is obvious you care.
Jefe, my H also invited me to a festival, all friendly-like, then had a rendezvous with his "girlfriend" and confessed to me right after. Honestly, why do they bother? I makes me so angry when the WAS yanks our chain for no reason. Or worse, for their own selfish reasons. I'm not falling for that anymore. I'm only seeing him to discuss the paperwork for the dissolution of our marriage. There's no other reason to spend time together and act like a phoney happy family. I'm being totally friendly and compassionate toward him when we do meet, but I have no desire to pal around town with him. It's totally awkward and lame. I have plenty of other friends whose company I enjoy more. I'll be you do too. Go spend time with them and forget about her. If she comes running back later, so be it. But give yourself a bit of time and space. You are wounded and need some healing time to yourself. Don't waste any more energy on her for the time being.
Vets, please feel free to contradict me. I've DBed myself off the cliff of caring, and it's probably tainted my advice.
Last edited by Ahoy; 10/19/1402:15 AM.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Jefe, I'm so sorry.....Hopefully you managed to have a good time with the kids - that's rotten to receive a text like that though - sounds like it's back to the 37 rules for you....
Concentrate on yourself for a bit - keep GAL, and try not to worry about your W for now. She will do what she will do, and ultimately things will be resolved somehow.
Best wishes to you though
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Again, very random. There is more to this story. What are you leaving out?
Hope, I'm not in a very good place at the moment. It was totally random.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe, chin up! You are going to be OK. I promise you. This part stinks, but it will pass. Either way, you will be OK.
The main thing now is DO NOT FIXATE on your W. Clean something, fix something, go help someone or volunteer, or go hang out with friends. Get on with life. You have no control of your W's decisions or actions, so focus on the things you can do instead. Like taking care of yourself & kids.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
I know you are hurting. Remember, I HAVE BEEN THERE. Many of us have. It does get better, I promise. Unfortunately, this is the "free will" part that --although we know God hears us and is caring for us -- we cannot control what our wayward spouses decide to do.
LET HER BE for now. This isn't necessarily over (even 20% of divorced couples remarry, with most reporting marriages better than before), and this doesn't even necessarily mean D. It does mean she is not receptive to you NOW.
Starsky, Toots, Wet, Ahoy, thank you for responding, and being supportive. I'm OK. Hope, I'll respond to you separately.
I'm exhausted. So tired of drama.
The wife picked up the kids last night at 5:30 for her one night a week she's decided she now wants them. I called my inner circle people and pulled them all close and one of my oldest friends came over last night, till well after midnight, helping me put the motor back in my truck so I had plenty to keep my mind occupied.
She texted a few times during the evening. I ignored all of them. Right or wrong, 37 or not 37, don't really care.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Hope, I can almost always point to a very specific "thing" that started her destruction engine. I'm absolutely so f'ing tired of having to watch every little thing I say/do so I don't upset her and send her into another destructive cycle. I posted the exchange a few hours before we met up at the festival, nothing there. Only one thing comes to mind in the next short 45 minute interaction and it's so minimal.
She was coming back from a concession stand and just as she got next to me, my phone started to ring. I pulled it out of my pocket to look and she starts in with a unusual tone asking "Who is that, who's calling you?" I said: "It's some strange 888 number." and showed her the screen and playfully asked, "Look familiar to you?" she said it didn't, I said "Me either. I'm just going to ignore it, then." and put it back in my pocket.
About 15 minutes later, she's texting, again, and I, again playfully, said: "Who is it, huh, huh?" and just kind of laughed. She said nothing. and I didn't expect her to. I regretted saying it just because I know what a hair trigger she has these days.
If this^^^ is what set her off, good grief. This whole thing is a damn mess and she's acting like a 3 year old.
The texting after she dropped the dating bomb got stupid for a second before I came to my senses and went dark. I'm still at a "family" festival for Pete's sake.
She didn't have to come. We were fine without her.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Yeah it doesn't seem fair. The WAW seems to thing she has full access to information of all your activity while at the same time leading a secret life and not letting you see any of her activities. My W won't show me her phone, but feels justified to snoop through all my computer files (looking for reasons to justify her bad behaviour). When I changed my computer password she literally freaked out.
I think it has to do with assuaging their guilty feelings by finding things about the LBS that justify them being driven into another man's arm. As long as they can keep finding reasons to solidify their position they will keep up the rationalization. They'll even make stuff up, and rewrite history when they run out of confirmable evidence.
That's why it's essential to keep as squeaky clean as possible - just so you don't feed into that pattern. Still won't help with the made-up stuff, but at least you won't be contributing to the fuel.
Hence the need to detach, keep a PMA and always treat her with dignity and respect as much as you don't think she deserves it. She's still a person and one that's going through a very emotionally unstable time in her life. Remember you vowed for better or for worse, and this is truly the worse. And since you love her you should have enough compassion to see through her acidic behaviour to the girl you fell in love with (although it must seem at times like that girl has been abducted by aliens).
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
She's still a person and one that's going through a very emotionally unstable time in her life. Remember you vowed for better or for worse, and this is truly the worse. And since you love her you should have enough compassion to see through her acidic behaviour to the girl you fell in love with (although it must seem at times like that girl has been abducted by aliens).
I have a tough time seeing that she is going through anything. I know she must be, just hard for me to see through the muck right now.
I know you're right Peter. Just reeling for a moment. I'll get back centered in a minute.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
