"It is there waiting for you, but it will take a lot of time, patience and work to get there. But once you do, you will be able to be patient, calm, clearheaded, and still in love. Just not an obsessed love that causes you to burn from the inside out while she does not reciprocate."
i'm really hoping I can make it to that point.
right now, i don't think it's a matter of IF the divorce happens. I truly feel my wife had her mind made up a while back....she completely denied it, but evidence seems to be clear
(there I go mind reading again ?)
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Lost. Ill say it again. The more you focus on what is out of control the more you will be terrified. The more unwilling you are to be alone the more terrified you will be.
If you were healthy you could be alone. You would hurt. You would miss her. You would grieve. But you would be able to manage through. You aren't doing that very well with now. None of this 'I'm coming here to vent'. Until ou admit that you are hurting and reacting more than a healthy, emotionally stable individual would, you won't change, and you won't feel better.
Blaming her behavior is an excuse so you don't have to grow. Good luck trying to feel better controlling her. You say you're reading no more mr nice guy. The idea is that you believe something is wrong with you that others won't accept. That's your fear. And her actions are 'proving' that is true in your mind. Why are you giving another person control over your self worth? Why can't you tend your own garden?
Once again I would urge you to read my threads. Start with the first. I too am a bit manic and can write a lot. I too struggle with these things. I'm not a different species from you. I just learned a few things because it hurt too much not to. Check out my post on self-abandonment.
Oh, and blowing things up won't help. Anger is just hurt disguised, it's easier to feel anger because we feel like we're in control. And blowing things up is another way to regain control. It won't change how you feel and will only keep you trapped. You say you're not controlling but when you can't accept the actions of another person by definition you are trying to control them to not do what you can't accept. You can't have it both ways. I'm on your side, I want you to take the road with less pain and a brighter future.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
still reading NMMNG... realizing it's not as much about me as I thought. haha However, I am definitely showing a lot of traits of a "nice guy" and I definitely can see why it is an issue.
I had a chance to chat with a friend/relative that I haven't talked to in a while and she was pretty good at making me start thinking about my positive attitude.
Also, thinking about myself actually getting out tomorrow night is starting to make me feel a bit more positive. I'm starting to work on accepting that my wife said she is DONE. it's VERY hard and heartbreaking, but not much of a choice. I'm really trying to not let the resentment build and lash out or let it get in the way of co-parenting my daughter. this is going against everything I believe. makes me feel like I have to give up on my idea of what marriage vows mean. makes me doubt the entire concept of marriage.
in the past three months, I would feel naked and paranoid if I did not have my wedding ring on. Now I'm wondering why I even still have it on.
obviously still struggling but am trying to be inching my way forward....
edit: zues, just read your post - was typing this one while you posted. thanks for the input.
Last edited by lostluv; 10/18/1406:38 AM.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Im reading NMMNG as well and its worryingly accurate. Remember that because if you identify with the NG then your W will easily recognise all the negative side affects. Read it, take it in then deal with what it teaches you.
If you haven't then read Zeus' and card's threads (and lots of others if you can) you can see the journeys they are on and if nothing else should help you see what you need to do for you. Because that is the recurring theme - its about you learning to love you, only then can you truly Love and be loved.
Thinking your not good enough is a self fulfilling prophecy unless you use that fear to make yourself better.
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
Was thinking last night as my wife was leaving to go out drinking she asked me to take my daughter to gymnastics in the morning. ....I was like wtf? I am working all night and usually go to bed in morning .....and wondered why SHE couldn't get up and take her??? Later at work as I'm working on pma...I was pretty happy that I get to take my daughter because I've been working on the front roll with her and she is doing great.
Baby steps In a pretty good mood this morning....but extremely tired!
Also spent some time looking at places for rent online.....further pushed my thoughts of wanting to stay in the house and assume payment and let the wife move. I've put a TON of blood and sweat into this house.... However, if I moved I would only need a 1 bedroom and my daughter could stay in familiar home
Tough dilemma
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
"Also spent some time looking at places for rent online.....further pushed my thoughts of wanting to stay in the house and assume payment and let the wife move. I've put a TON of blood and sweat into this house.... However, if I moved I would only need a 1 bedroom and my daughter could stay in familiar home frown "
Lost, be still.
I'm going to keep repeating it until you understand what I mean. (it's helping me too).
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Look at things you may want to go do or a movie you want to see or a website that sells stuff for a hobby you're interested in or interested in trying to make the night go by. Do nothing involving any aspect of the marriage = be still.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
INCLUDING GETTING AWAY FROM THIS PLACE FOR A FEW HOURS!!! (me too!)
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
LOL yeah no kidding! when I'm at work all night in my office I don't have much else to do other than surf the web and read....some of it is total crap. I try to read peoples stories here, but they all seem to end the same no matter what....and it makes it feel like divorce is inevitable.
I need to get some friends....but it's so hard when you get older. when we were kids we could just walk up to someone and say "wanna be my friend?" and you were best friends. actually, that's how I met my wife. we were chatting online and I told her that line pretty much....the next thing you know we were dating.
don't worry...i'm not trying to date you
i have SO many hobbies that I used to do and would love to do, but they take so much time and I still feel like I should spend as much time as possible with my baby girl. I work 3rd shift , sleep all day, work out in home gym, go to karate two nights a week (occasionally saturday) . maybe I should consider going to a public gym? I sold my motorcycles, sold my car, sold my synthesizers and other instruments....all to invest into this house that I assumed I would be in for the rest of my life.
oh well.....guess it's time to start re-living
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
