Ahoy, thank you. I have zero expectations. I am rooted in the 37 rules right now, I don't do them well always, but I'm trying. I have great respect for Hope414 because she understands the situation almost perfectly. I trust Starsky, I trust you. I think I have a clear picture of how I will handle today, so don't fear. I will journal as soon as I return.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I think there is a strong misunderstanding about DB principles.
Detach, GAL, pursuit, ect, are to be used with wisdom. They are guidelines to be used. Not unbendable rules.
Each situation is different because people are different.
Detachment works because you see your situation from neutral eyes in order to learn what you are doing wrong. GAL works because your spouse cannot be your primary focus in life nor your only source of happiness. Pursuit doesn't work because it is desperate and focused primarily on your needs and not the bigger picture.
I have been a silent observer of this forum for years. I have watched people misuse these principles over and over again. I didn't start posting until I started following one individual who used these principals as weapons against his wife.
And he abused his wife with righteousness. Only a couple of people pointed out he was doing it wrong. But he stubbornly pointed out the 37 rules for his obnoxious behavior toward his wife.
The 37 rules are not to be used as weapons or excuses. And a lot of people on this forum use them as weapons and excuses. Which is why many of you are getting divorced despite your "best" attempts to reconcile.
Stop it.
If your spouse is giving you the green light to communicate then communicate. If your spouse offers affection then give affection back.
How do you think they became your spouse?
You are not "picking up" your relationship from where you left off. You don't have a relationship anymore. It got blown up.
You are beginning a new relationship. And no one begins a new relationship if there is not a courting phase or a romance phase.
I agree too. Perhaps it would be best just focusing on the kids having a nice day. Have no expectations of your W and aim for friendly, but not that engaged with her. I would not pursue at all and let her lead the way, and if any romancing comes from her, respond cautiously, as though you would very much have to think more about things before becoming romantic with her again.
Still, pleased for you that there seem to be signs of things turning - I would give my right arm for that right now. Hope you have a lovely day!
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I agree too. Perhaps it would be best just focusing on the kids having a nice day. Have no expectations of your W and aim for friendly, but not that engaged with her. I would not pursue at all and let her lead the way, and if any romancing comes from her, respond cautiously, as though you would very much have to think more about things before becoming romantic with her again.
Still, pleased for you that there seem to be signs of things turning - I would give my right arm for that right now. Hope you have a lovely day!
Thank you so much, Toots. It is an awfully quick turn around and has me a bit nervous as to motive. But I'm not supposed to be concerned with motive, now am I.
I know a ton of people on here would kill to have an opportunity like this so I am going to treat it as a privilege that I get to go today. No expectations, I believe nothing she says and only 50% of what she does, but if she lets her wall down just a bit, I am going to enjoy the moment. I trust each and every one of you, including Hope and Starsky simultaneously. I understand what Hope is trying to say in the context of the 37, and I trust Starsky's unquestionable wisdom. I will make the best of the situation I can and will report back directly after. PMA PMA PMA.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Side note, W just stopped by for a second to drop off some stuff I needed for the girls before we meet up at the festival later and here I am standing in the kitchen in only boxers (kids are at my moms house) She was having a hard time staying focused and maintaining eye contact. Hey, my eyes are up here! LOL, score one for Jefe and the manic-depressive stress diet. I enjoyed every bit of the PMA / Detached conversation.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Well, w showed up to the festival 15 minutes late and only stayed 45 minutes before leaving. She was preoccupied most of the time and was texting a bunch. No physical touch. Some smiles and what not. Nothing exciting but nothing expected. But then I just got this text as I'm typing this. "I'm going to start dating so you know, you can to." Yup, crushed I am.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
I think there is a strong misunderstanding about DB principles.
Detach, GAL, pursuit, ect, are to be used with wisdom. They are guidelines to be used. Not unbendable rules.
Each situation is different because people are different.
Detachment works because you see your situation from neutral eyes in order to learn what you are doing wrong. GAL works because your spouse cannot be your primary focus in life nor your only source of happiness. Pursuit doesn't work because it is desperate and focused primarily on your needs and not the bigger picture.
I have been a silent observer of this forum for years. I have watched people misuse these principles over and over again. I didn't start posting until I started following one individual who used these principals as weapons against his wife.
And he abused his wife with righteousness. Only a couple of people pointed out he was doing it wrong. But he stubbornly pointed out the 37 rules for his obnoxious behavior toward his wife.
The 37 rules are not to be used as weapons or excuses. And a lot of people on this forum use them as weapons and excuses. Which is why many of you are getting divorced despite your "best" attempts to reconcile.
Stop it.
If your spouse is giving you the green light to communicate then communicate. If your spouse offers affection then give affection back.
How do you think they became your spouse?
You are not "picking up" your relationship from where you left off. You don't have a relationship anymore. It got blown up.
You are beginning a new relationship. And no one begins a new relationship if there is not a courting phase or a romance phase.
Who even mentioned the 37 Rules? I disagreed with your recommendation that he "romance" or "court" his wife, while she is actively wayward. I believe this falls into the "no pursuit" concept of DB and DR.
Who's using anything as a "weapon" against Jefe's wife???
I'm sorry for the distraction, Jefe. We'll just have to agree to disagree on this one I guess.
