I went with this email (we don't really talk on the phone) but then I did call her and mentioned she didn't have to leave the house tonight or I could reschedule my visit is she wanted to be with the kids. She said she needed the night out and I validated and told her to have fun.
Maybell, I have received specific feedback on the question of friends vs not friends. Ill post later. With the kids now. Jefe, thanks for hearing me. I may be able to handle it but it stinks.
EMAIL:
I don't know what to say. I know how much family means to you and how close you are, it must feel pretty helpless right now. I'm sure she knows how much you care about her and hope you have the opportunity to continue to show that. And XXX and their daughters couldn't ask for a more supportive friend. I just hope you have the support you need too, you're dealing with a lot already and this can't be easy. Very scary stuff. Please let me know what you need whether its some coverage with the kids for a visit, or just talking about it after my visit tonight or some other time on the phone when it starts to feel like too much.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm at the house now. Until I get my own place I see he kids twice weekly at he house. STBX goes out.
First the good- I took my children to a church my friend and his family go to for a Halloween themed carnival. There were 15-20 games such as ring tosses, bowling with plastic pins, cake walks, and many other crafts (pipe cleaner pumpkins), as well as face painting. As they played games they won candy. They also got to meet my friends kids and play together. It was a very good time and we all had a blast.
Now I've got them put to bed. It's that hour gap between their bed time and when STBX gets home. I always feel a bit down having to be here, then having to leave again. I'm able to handle it. I mean, I'm not depressed or suicidal or anything. Just hard. And I know that while I'm doing better, it will probably hurt for a lot longer still.
But the truth is that's just life. When we were married it wasn't easy. The last three years may have been almost as hard as the breakup. Not saying I wanted this, but it helps me to remember reality. Reality is that my problems aren't all because of he break up. I think it's easy for us LBS's to pretend that all the suffering in our life is due to our WAS leaving. That's just not the case. Remember my title is 'keeping it real'. The fact is that I truly believe that life is what we make it, so if we can't find peace on our own, reconciliation wouldn't change anything (or even be possible).
GAL went well. Hung out with a friend on Friday night, saw a movie. Yesterday went to a get together with a coworker and met his wife and friends. Good times. Someday I hope to host get together a with a woman I love there with me. My STBX and I never did that. Nor did we ever go anywhere together. She wasn't into it and was entirely focused on the children. Refused a babysitter. We went out maybe annually if that. Sigh. To do it over...
Anyway, kinda rambling. Just that lonely time of evening. But if you want to bring it back to a 180...I guess I can say I'm handling my sadness better than pre-BD. I'm just sitting with my feelings and not disassociating or medicating somehow. And I'm doing enough GAL stuff that I'm not moping all the time.
So parenting, GAL, handling my emotions head on, living in reality, and being appreciative for what I have. It's a long road but its longer if I don't keep walking, and I'm not going to wait until the end of it to love y life because that would be an insult to what I've been given. Good night all.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hey Zues, sounds like you have a really good handle on reality and are in a good place if not a happy place.
It's a bit scary to recognize that life prior to BD was not all roses, but that also means you have the opportunity to make life a lot better in the future! Imagine if your life with STBX was PERFECT. How could it get better than that? So it's only up from here, hopefully!
Just left my attorneys office. Drew up a legal separation that I will serve Thursday.
It's about me standing up for my needs and setting boundaries. Attorney said there are 3 parts of a split: children, money, and assets. For the past 4.5 months I've been a doormat on all 3. 100% of my income still goin to joint account and her not working yet, no place of my own for children or possessions, and as a result limited time with the kids. It's clear that this is my fault. I can't expect her to say 'this isn't fair to you, sorry I've taken advantage, let me get my crap together and help make this right'. Not going to happen. So I have to set a fair boundary and stick to it.
We have been communicating via email for anything more serious than the weather, so I am preparing an email to send today to let her know that I have he sep. drawn up. Both my DB coach and attorney gave me verbiage on how to make it sound collaberative vs me bulldozing her. I will do my best.
Bottom line, I know it needs to be done but it is both scary and sad. Scary because I've been a habitual conflict avoider and this is serious conflict. No clue how she'll react. She's been amicable up until now but as my IC said, she has also gotten everything she could want, when I take what I need we'll learn the truth about how amicable things will be. And sad, because it is a significant milestone in our dissolution. And I have to be the one that does it to protect myself.
My attorney said this will probably snap her into reality and force some action one way or another, either she'll have second thoughts or we'll get going on the D pretty quickly. Not what I want, but I realize sacrificing my standard of living and bein paralyzed in fear is not going to bring her back. Becoming the best man I can be on my own is the only option.
I will tell the board since I can't tell her. I loved her, and wanted to be by her side until one of us had to move on from this life. She was first in all my thoughts and I gave her my heart. I tried everyday to be a great guy because I felt she deserved a great guy in her life, it was my number one motivator. I give her my blessing to join the ranks of women who feel they deserve better. Good luck to her.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
-I've drawn up a legal separation dated today, will be bringing it over on Thursday to have it signed and acknowledged. -I am looking for a place of my own -It is time to separate finances -I'll continue to provide 100% of my income through November to allow her some time to prepare -Proposal about holiday schedules for this year (she can come with children to Thanksgiving, she could have the children for Xmas) -FYI about a small expenditure I had to make for clothes for my new job
I am sick to my stomach right now. I might throw up. My attitude isn't the issue. I did what I had to do. My feelings, however, are that I am heartbroken and shaking right now with empathy for how she will likely feel, how tough her road will be, and scared of how she might react and how this will play out.
I pray I did this right. But I talked for weeks with two counselors, my attorney, my psychiatrist, both my parents, and have prayed at length. At the end of the day I have to act and cannot live life afraid of mistakes.
Nonetheless, a very, very, very hard moment in my life.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
I'm so sorry. That's a step I can't bring myself to take. You had to be very brave to do that and you were. Sending some strength and a load of compassion.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
