I am definitely affected by HER mood. I'm sure that is normal at this point, and I am trying to work on it. it's hard. tomorrow's session will be a good thing. I know she isn't going to say she loves me or even admit that she wants to work things out. it will either be to confirm that things have not changed and possible stabilized, OR ..... that she wants to separate. I'm hoping at least for the stabilization. she is going out with her friend tomorrow. I hope she has fun, but i cannot lie....I still have thoughts about her cheating while she is out, or at least meeting someone new. but, I hope she does have fun....my feelings set aside. I do still worry because I know there will be drinking and they are driving an hour to go to a haunted house AFTER happy hour. like I said, part of me is glad that she is going out and having fun with friends, but part of me is saying she should be a bit more responsible because she is a wife & a mother. not that wives or mothers shouldn't have fun, just shouldn't act single. (her friend is "engaged" but they are having major issues as well)
i'm really trying to be patient.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Lost ... wow .. ok .. took me a bit to read all your sitch.
You really need to detach ... and as I type that I laugh becuase I suck at it too. Thing is, and I want you to brace for the 2x4 because the things that will help you will hurt to hear. I know this .. I need the smacking around in my sitch too. I see alot of yours in what I did wrong ... difference ... you started DBing way sooner ... I only started a couple months ago .. and am almost at the 1 year point of my separation. Truth is ... I am FAR better off right now .. than I was before DB
Ok ... here it comes. As I have become a broken record .. you need the Trifecta in your toolbox, GAL/PMA/180.... You have to man up, DETACH, you are letting her ups and downs control your moods, she will not respect this of you, you are a puppet to her at the moment. I see you actually working on the PMA, thats good ... Let us help you .. we are all here and have been at various stages only to revisit them again ... I actually believe I could read my own sitch over and give great advice at certain points ... and do .. just to get myself back where I need to be.
What are the 180's you need ... giving her space? What else ... do some new things .. FOR YOU. Get out and DO SOMETHING .. GAL man ... ya have to , you need to find that guy who you really are because you have basically admitted you lost that and became less of Lostluv and more of just a married guy.
Stop texting her Dont pursue REALLY focus on leaving first/ending the convo first Be happy ... make her wonder Try to be mysterious (When I do this .. instant feedback)
I am no vet, nor expert ... like you I wanted nothing to do with my marriage being over, thought I would die honestly... in a way I did... the old me id dead, he really is .. the new me is still being born, and I am not sure where that will lead me, but I know because of this site, God, and my journey ... I will survive this and be stronger for it.
Now there are some days I want to be that old person and start my pity party ... its all part of the process.
Have you thought about an IC>? I never thought I would .. but it helps ... she taught me my self esteem was shot ... I have a feeling you might have the same issue ... work on that!
Bottom line ... Focus on YOU , not her or what she is doing .. YOU. Thats all you have control over at this point.
should I give the wife ANY compliments on how she looks ? or is that detrimental to the detaching phase?
divorce remedy arrived today, will be reading that over the next few days. already did divorce busting
I just need to comprehend it better
Have you read 5LL ... another helpful tool Another one for you ... No More Mr Nice Guy
Can you pull it off with out it looking like pursuit? I know I have done it dropping off S in the morning as an exit strategy ... "You look nice , have a nice day" and make my way out without saying another word.
I have read 5LL and took the test trying to think of her. Acts of kindness is the main and words of affirmation is a very close second. (Assuming what I know about her....but she is completely different now)
I can pull it off without sounding needy I think.
Basically thought of doing it the same way u did. She always looks great when she goes out....it's hard not to gawk every day I'm reminded how beautiful I think she is as soon as I see her. But I don't tell her every day like I used to ......
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
Wow shk, that is quite a compliment. I appreciate that. I am not getting cocky, I have a lot more growth ahead. But I am recognizing some growth and it feels good to know its visible to others as well.
As for future Rs, it's ok to feel that way. First off, being a little jaded and cynical is easy, like when a woman smiles at you and you think 'I know where that leads, stay away!' But its not a spot to live. It's just a sign you have more growth ahead. Once you truly understand you STBX's feelings and failings you'll find it's easier to be compassionate and accepting rather than hurt and victimized.
And, funny thing- ill post on my sitch later, but there is a chance I may have to take the kids at some point and be a full time single dad. That would mean working all during the week, and having the kids every minute I'm not at work. Wouldn't leave much time for dating or hobbies! In fact, being a dad might be the only thing I'd be doing for 15 years. That would jus end up being the bulk of my life.
That's not what I wanted. I wanted a M. But that's what I may get. And if it is...ill find joy in it. Who says I have to be married to enjoy life? Again, no sour grapes here, I am standing by my M to the end. But it would be ungrateful for me not to enjoy what God has given me simply because my W wanted out. The human spirit is extremely resilient if we let ourselves be open to the joy all around us.
Keep at it. I can feel you're early on your journey. I am too in many ways. It's long, doesn't always lead where we want it, and will hurt a lot at times. You could say the same things about life itself. Enjoy what you have now, keep growing and stay true to your core values, and have faith that joy will come if you make righteous decisions and can let to a little. March on!!!
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Her mood effects me I admit, but the past couple weeks I've been pretty good at hiding that from her with the "as if" attitude. My GAL is difficult since we work opposite shifts and babysitter is scarce. I have started karate classes two nights a week and I still work out several times a week. I used to play music and ride motorcycles a lot but have sold all that stuff. I sold my corvette a couple months ago and used the cash to pay off some other bills. No money for my old hobbies without stressing the wife about financial stuff. Weekends are hard with remodeling that needs done ant again....babysitter if wife is doing something. A lot is riding on session tomorrow. I know it shouldn't, but that's where we will discuss the relationship and see if things I've been doing the past couple weeks are a step forward. ....I feel things have some what stabilize but it's better to hear it from the horses mouth so to speak
Last edited by lostluv; 10/16/1402:33 AM.
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
tonight's update : today was my wife's aerobics class. When I got up from sleeping (4:15 pm) I simply said "good morning" and went to make coffee. as soon as I get up, my daughter always gets excited and runs right to me and wants to hang out with me....even if she is sitting on my wife's lap reading. anyway, I played with my daughter and read her some books for a little bit as my wife and I didn't really chat too much other than about the weather (she spoke first) and she informed me that she DID get a babysitter and she would be at our house around 10pm before I leave for work. I simply said "ok, cool." she then said that she was going to meet her friend (female co-worker that is going with her to haunted house) at buffalo wild wings @ 6pm first. I asked if her friend was driving as usual. she said they were both going to drive in case she had to leave earlier if her friend wanted to stay. I agreed that it sometimes takes a long time to get in and I heard that it's pretty busy and you need to make sure you are there in plenty of time to get tickets. she agreed that was the plan. it was a pleasant conversation and I did not pry for any details otherwise. my daughter went to play in her room and my wife was fixing herself something to eat, so I changed clothes and told my wife I was going to workout for a while before she left. unfortunately, I lost track of time and my wife came into the basement gym and was a little irritated @ 630 and said "my class starts at 645, I need to go!" I smiled and said "wow, didn't realize it was so late. sorry for not noticing. you better get going!" she was still irritated, but all part of life.....
when she came home, she was in a surprisingly better mood. I just said hi and she told me a little about how class was and that she was going to be sore. she said she did a total of 80 push ups and 46 of them were REGULAR style (not on knees for women). I said "wow, that's awesome! great job. think you'll be sore tomorrow?" she laughed and said "oh yeah" she went to shower and I put my daughter to bed. the rest of the evening was pretty quiet. I REALLY wanted to continue reading Divorce Remedy, but I don't want to do it when she is there. so, for now i will have to read when she is not home or at work.
when she went to bed, she got up and went to the kitchen to put her dish(es) in the sink and goto bathroom. she could have just said she was going to bed and went upstairs without actually looking at me (she has done that several times recently), but she actually came back into the room far enough that she had to turn around and face me and said "i'm going to bed now, good night. Hope your night goes well at work". I simply smiled and said "good night, sleep good"
like I said earlier, not a major win, but any day that is without major conflict ....is a good day.
baby steps.
after she went to bed, i grabbed my book and started reading.
Positive attitude: I can do this....it's going to be hard, it's going to take a while, but I can do this. I shouldn't dread tomorrow, maybe she will agree that things are "stable" and we will continue how we are in the moment...which will buy me time...TIME is my friend...as long as she is living here, it will be easier for her to see the changes. I'm further ahead than some other guys on the board and I need to take advantage of that.
negative thoughts: maybe she is just being nice so when she drops the bomb tomorrow I won't be expecting it.... if she wants to separate, then she had better find a place to live....she is probably going to hook up with some guy when she goes out.....she isn't "herself" and she is capable of so many things right now that I never thought she would ever do....that sux and scares me......hey wait!!!! you stupid A$$, you can't control her....go back to your positive thoughts.
back to positive: if she wants to separate, just tell her you understand how she feels and even though you do not want that in any way, she needs to do what SHE feels she needs to do. she will have to find out the hard way that the grass on the other side is greener because it is fertilized with bu11 5h!t. when she gets ready to leave friday, just smile and say "wow, you look great. have a fun time!"
yeah, sometimes my rollercoaster is from minute to minute......
me-42 w-33 d-3 together-6 m-4yr 6/1/14-w check out 6/15/14-EA? 8/1/14-mc 9/1/14-IDLY-started DBing 9/15/14-w suggest separation 10/17/14 wife is done 12/13/2014 - wife move out me file 1/1/15
