A New Day

[AJM]

Hmm..

Right now I consider the house the most important. My youngest has stated to others that she does not like living in apartments and will stay in the house at least till she graduates high school. I can see that she has some fears that she is having to process right now and that her room is her safe place. I won't allow them to take away the safety that this home represents to my kids right now.

That is exactly the right approach if you ask me. I was faced with the same choice and had the benefit of a counselor to listen/help. Her words to me were that children count on two things in their life for stability - their parents and their home. You can't do anything about your wife, but you can do something about the house.

I kept the house. Before I cleared my head, I had agreed to put it on the market. Luckily it didn't sell as that was right at the beginning of the downturn. After a while I got my head together and pulled it. I am incredibly glad I did for the sake of the kids. I don't particularly like the house other than that, but that wasn't the important part. Very important for the kids. I'm glad to see you have your priorities and are acting on them.

As for your w. I've read your sit over the past several months. You do realize that she may not do the work on herself right? Or that even if she does, she may never tell you? As these things go, she may not feel like she can if she does figure it out, instead choosing to be angry etc at the object of her anger and embarrassment.

To admit what she's said or done is not something she's very well equipped to handle.

I didn't see that very clearly in my own sit until much later. For a variety of reasons. But it's something that was very helpful in understanding my actions and why I chose them and why they either worked for me or didn't. And that was important as I faced criticisms (from people I trusted; the others can pound sand )

Hope that helps, LT. Keep watching out for the girls. The rest will work out over time.

AJ

[Matt165]

Hi LT,
I agree with AJ here. I'm in the same sitch right now with trying to keep my home. For me, my W agreed to allow me to retain the house in return for allowing her to keep antiques, not split her retirement accounts, etc. but as soon as she started to get "advice" from her father, changed that to allow me to just live there but as soon as my D14 turned 18, I would have to sell it and give her half...and she gets to still keep the antiques, retirement, etc. The sense of entitlement is unbelievable in MLC's sometimes. In the last year things have changed so much for my D14 and her sister, 19. I really felt that being able to have that home base, the familiar place, the only home they have ever known was important. My W told them both that our home wasn't a "happy" place and was a big reason she left. What she can't seem to grasp is that it was only "unhappy" for her, the rest of us have wonderful memories there, whether she can remember them or not.

I also am starting to think that my W may never be able to do the work on herself that she needs to. Like AJ said, even if she does, she may never be able to face up to the things she's said and done. My W has suffered with depression on and off for the last 8 years. While she didn't actually try and commit suicide there were many times she felt she "couldn't go on". For her to admit that what she has done was a mistake or admit that her own actions lead to the end of our M isn't something I can see her being able to do. Heck, we wouldn't be where we are right now if she had the ability to cope with doing something like that. It's the looking for "causes" for the her own actions that got us into this mess in the first place. Sadly, I really think it isn't something she will ever be able to do.

Hang in there LT and keep being the rock for the kids. They need you so much right now and would be lost without you!

[Lifes Twists]

Thanks AJM and Matt,

I know my wife may never do the work she needs to do or face what she has done. She has had depression for more that 30 years. I am now seeing that she has never really faced it, but has run from it instead. That is a major flaw she has. She runs from things rather than just deal with them. She probably has issues from childhood on and would have a long list of issues she would have to face and work on. I believe that right now when she sees or interacts with me her flee response to having to face things is so over whelming that she would probably run blindly across a busy highway. Can she overcome this? I don't know. I can only hope that she will get help and maybe face the things that she has to. Right now she is willing to abandon everything she holds dear and flee.It is truly sad to see her reduced to this.

[TSquared2]

Hi LT,

You are sounding good, really into acceptance I think. It is tough.

What are you doing for you?

[Lifes Twists]

Hi T,

Thats where I am struggling right now T. I swear my wife knows when I am doing something for myself and she does something to interfere. Last weekend I was going away for a night to go to the Hershey car show since the girls would be with their mother. Something I have wanted to do for a long time. Had everything set and she does her disappearing thing again. So now I am left again dealing with the girls. I had to bring my oldest home from college instead because she was stressed out and sick so needed a couple days to pull herself together.

I am planning to go with my older girls to a haunted house this coming weekend. I hope disrupts that.

[TSquared2]

What about daily activities, walks, bike rides, working out, etc?

[ericmsant2]

Wow, been all around that area. I have lived here for 46 years now, so seen a lot of changes.

Howdy neighbor!

Having been through the divorce process in our wonderful state I am fairly aware of the laws/process in this state. My first piece of advice would be to make sure you have an excellent attny. I had a great one. Let me know if you if you find that your L is not working for you. I would also caution you to use the L’s wisely. Also LISTEN to your L. He/she works for YOU. They have no emotional ties so can look at things objectively. Your L should be working towards helping you achieve YOUR goals. Please clear with the L what those goals are. Do not fall into the trap of “reacting” or “accepting” that path of least resistance. Figure out what makes sense for you and the kids …and instruct the L accordingly.

Right now i am spinning a bit and trying to digest a phone call i got from my lawyer yesterday.

Learn to stay calm…and breath…the D process can really take a toll on you.

He got a call from wifes lawyer. She is not able to participate in the divorce. Apparently she is going to sign a voluntary conservatorship allowing her father to take over all her affairs.

The fact that she has asked her father to take over all affairs, could work for you or against you. This is a question that I suggest that you ask your attny.

My attorney said they are turning full custody of my youngest over to me with all decision making as well as determination of visitation.

This is ^^^ a good thing. Considering your W condition. Remember, although the agreement may give you full custody – you still have the opportunity to allow the kids to see their mom. They will need her, regardless of the condition she is in. From where I sit, full custody give you the control and helps you make the choices that are best for the kids.

I suspect her lawyer is running with what her father is directing right now and going on his word.

Mind reading – stop it. Based your choices on fact.

Because of this I will have a court fight if he gets control of wife.

First you have no idea of what the new proposal will be. It may not be what you expect. Your mind reading again. Ultimately, most attny DO NOT want to go in front of the judge, so you may not have the “court battle” that you think you will.

I suspect her will try and force me to sell house and try and get as much as he can without regard to our daughters well being. I can see him justifying using anything wife gets for his own use since he will be taking care of her. He will use what ever he can to fund his retirement at the expense of others.

First off, the wonderful state of CT…prefers that the kids remain in their home. Period. No if and or buts. If you think it is best that they remain in the home – then make it clear to your attny that this is YOUR goal.

I know i need to take a deep breath and slow down.

Yes you do. Your gonna go batch crazy and make rushed decisions. Stay calm.

I will have to have my attorney monitor the situation and wait to see where it goes with some pre planning. My thoughts right now are to ask for full possession of the house in place of her paying any child support.

Usually the courts do not like this. They much prefer that child support is paid, and then whoever remains in the house pays the mortgage. Now, you could seek a “deviation” in child support IF both parties agree. Have you come up with a budget on what you need to maintain the house? Be reasonable…in other words, accept that you will need to cut back here and there…so do not go in asking for more than is reasonably expected. For example, I was explaining to my attny that I would like a few grand to purchase the kids new bedroom sets (since I left everything) – my attny comment was…the judge could very well look at this request and say…you can pick up a mattress at Bob’s for 50.00 bucks. It is a bed. I learned early on that what we think is “required”….is very different than what the court do. Your L should help you with this.

I consider the child support a bargaining chip along with everything else to make sure I try and get what is most important for my daughters followed by myself. Right now I consider the house the most important. My youngest has stated to others that she does not like living in apartments and will stay in the house at least till she graduates high school. I can see that she has some fears that she is having to process right now and that her room is her safe place. I won't allow them to take away the safety that this home represents to my kids right now.

Like AJ said – great plan. Explain that to your L. Just wondering who is the “bread winner” between you and your W? That will dictate alimony.

My efforts right now will have to be to keep my attorney from wasting any effort until the dust settles and we have a clear idea of what is going on.

Good move! I told my attny that the one issue that was NOT negotiable was custody. Everything else was. It seems to me, that you are in a similar place with the addition of the “house” as a must for you. Stick to your guns. Do not be surprised if your W comes back with some ridiculous offer. Just stay calm.

My wife right now is in a phase where she does not want to see me, talk to me or even interact with me even if it concerns the girls. I suspect that she cannot understand why I am handling things and not falling apart. I know this is typical when the LBS does not match the picture they have created for the LBS. That is her problem. I don't plan on chasing her, contacting her or dealing with her.

And she may be in this phase for a long long time. I am not saying this to discourage you.

Until then I will go on with my life and be the rock for my daughters.

Yep. Focus on YOU and the kids.

Thats where I am struggling right now T. I swear my wife knows when I am doing something for myself and she does something to interfere. Last weekend I was going away for a night to go to the Hershey car show since the girls would be with their mother. Something I have wanted to do for a long time. Had everything set and she does her disappearing thing again. So now I am left again dealing with the girls. I had to bring my oldest home from college instead because she was stressed out and sick so needed a couple days to pull herself together.

I am planning to go with my older girls to a haunted house this coming weekend. I hope disrupts that.

Please do yourself a favor if you are not already doing it….document these issues with your W. It clearly shows that she cannot be a responsible parent right now. You can explain to your L…not to use this unless he/she has to.

As TS suggest, you really need to figure out a way to do things for you. Hike on Case Mountain….hang out by Bolton lake, Coventry lake, maybe a visit to the vineyard in Coventry. I know that you may feel guilty about leaving the girls…but an hour or two to clear your head is okay. Heck…you can even bring them. I used to bring Toria with me to a spot in South Windsor that you can walk along the CT river. One of my fav pictures of my daughter were taken there. Be creative and if you need ideas…just let me know.

Chin up buddy!

Here a few things the girls may be interested in trying. They are not too expensive.

Soar indoors – In Manchester. It is an indoor Aerial Adventure center. You can also pick up Groupons.
Hals archery – In Manchester. I thoughts my kids would not be interested…they ended up having a blast.
Movies – 5 dollar Tuesdays at the theater in Buckland Hills.
Nomads – in South Windsor (the olders ones may not be interest but your 14 year old may).
Hooker Brewery – Not for the kids…but I think every Thursday they have a tour of the brewery and beer sampling for 10 bucks.

I have a ton more ideas…let me know if you need any more.

[TSquared2]

but an hour or two to clear your head is okay

Since I have full custody right now aside from a couple evenings a week on stbxw's days off, this ^^^ is a priority to keep me from getting over-done and help me be more present for the boys.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi Eric,

Thanks for the advice. Most of it I think I have arrived at already after some time to process it. Luckily I don't really have to document my wifes issues as it is already documented by my lawyer as i keep him updated to things like her entering and leaving hospital. So the courts will know he psychological issues when the time comes.

In terms of her giving her father control and what issues that will bring I am not really mind reading. Her attorney already told my attorney that his biggest issue is controlling her father. He likes to think he is french and does not like anyone who stands up for the USA and believes in our country. So, he and I never got along. He is also a narcissist and will try and make this more about him. So, I can understand her lawyer saying he is having trouble with her old man. I am not even sure my wife knows her father thinks he is getting control of her. She is home right now, has gone back to work at both her jobs, and is basically trying to go back to things as normal. She has told my daughters that custody will still be shared 50/50 and that the girls will start staying there again starting this Friday. Her attorney did not even know she was out of the hospital.

Since it appears one hand does not know what the other is doing in terms of wife, her family, her attorney I have told my attorney not to get involved. That until we know for a fact that the father will be controlling things that I don't want him spending any time on it. I told him any proposed agreement is worthless tell we know who is truly responsible for making decisions.

I do try and get out for walks in South Windsor at the park near the police station.Where is the walk along the ct river in south Windsor? Usually I do the river walk in Windsor Locks / Suffield just across the river on 190. Right now I am planning on taking girls to Haunted graveyard at lake Compounce this Friday. After that I will have to look into things for myself more.

[Lifes Twists]

Hi TS,

Thanks for the input. I am starting to look at doing more time here and there for myself. Some things are settling down. Once I get to catch my breath I should be out doing more things.