Fresh separation - trying to play by the book

[Tarheel]

Mozza, find Train in the Infidelity forum. She seemed to overcome quite a bit and was great at following the DB process.

[Mozza]

Thank you Tarheel. I will look it up.

It might be because it's late, but I feel pessimistic. I'm afraid there is no solution to my situation. As much as I think my W was wrong to leave, as much as I think our problems were vanilla and minor, she left anyway. I can spend all my evenings spinning and rationalizing that she made a mistake, on her side she's patting herself on the back for making a courageous move to take back the control of her life and find happiness. It's something she long deserved and she needs to put those awful years with this awful man (me) behind her. Onwards and forward! All the fun I imagine for us, if she were to come back, she doesn't see or believe. Or she'll think it would be a nice couple of months, but nothing lasting (people don't change), so it's not worth undoing the efforts she made in the last month. She just furnished an apartment, appliances and all. She's not looking back. Really, she most likely can't see our separation as a bad idea.

Of course, I'm now the victim, the guy who cries a dozen times a day, who's full of remorse and love, who's sensitive and self-aware, who's working on himself, who needs constant support to keep it together. Of course, she's now the immature WAW who didn't see the chance she had, who walked away from H and kids without giving them a chance. BUT she left at a point where I was the bad guy in her eyes, the H who made her life miserable with the constant criticism and the fights, and she packaged that idea and looks at it regularly to find resolve. She gets support from her network telling her she's done the right thing.

Sometimes, this all feels like a way of spending time until I reach acceptance...

[B-V2]

Mozza: sorry that you are here.

Your last sentence is very important (while I can relate to all you wrote there), as it is therefore that you/we have to fully detach and work on ourselves with expectation = 0 on a future possible R with WAW/H/S.

It is THE hardest thing to do right, and as sooner as you really start the better it will be.
Be also careful not to take positive signals/interactions after some weeks or months or so, as the sign that all is/will be well again very soon. Those are just positive snapshots/moment and nothing more, unless she start talking about possible R without you ever having mentioned anything. I have fallen into that mistake some weeks ago.

[Mozza]

Thanks B-V2 for your words. Much appreciate that you took the time.

I'm afraid I'm losing sight of the purpose of this forum. Is it mutual support to help us bust a potential divorce or is it just a mutual help group for people who want to move on during a divorce? I ask this without any irony or sarcasm. I'm a proponent of the method and I'm giving my wife space, but my purpose remains to get back with her. I'm trying to GAL and all, but my motivation is that it's my best chance to eventually get back with my W. Thanks in advance to anyone who can provide a clarification.

[Mozza]

I picked up the kids tonight and asked D6 what she had learnt in school this week. She replied: "I learned something funny with mommy: OM* can't come too often to her apartment!" I couldn't help asking if he had come over this week (forgive me!) and, yes, she saw him one evening, sitting on the couch, as she was going to bed (8 pm).

*Presumed OM. No evidence yet.

I'm accepting of an OM simply because I have no choice. I'm uncomfortable with the potential lies from my W (she said she wanted to be alone when she left me, but this guy was already around), but it seems typical and I assume that she's afraid of seeing my reaction if she tells me. If she has an OM, she probably hides him to spare me. I think I would prefer to know because at least then I could be informed if they break up!

This OM is actually one of the best case scenarios: I don't think they'd have a future together so it might be a way for her to be disappointed quickly and see what we have.

Just to clarify, again: I never mention OM not even his name in a different context. She used to mention his help, but she stopped a few weeks ago. Our communications are limited anyway. Just saying that I'm also playing this one by the book, even if it's difficult...

On the GAL front, I'm taking the kids to my parents for the week-end. We'll have some cool family time that I expect everyone to enjoy. We'll buy the Halloween costumes.

[1foot2]

How you "think" of OM is one of the most bedeviling questions of this whole experience. Obviously, the less you think of him at all, the better. Your temptation (as mine has been) is to think of him as a replica of you, as fulfilling the same role for your W that you do (or you hope to once again). But its just not like that.

What is it like? I have no idea. My W has acted as if he doesnt exist, even though I have plainly stated that I know he does. When I mentioned him in our conversations after BD, she would play him down as if he factored into her decision not a whit. When I told her she was having an A, and intending to stay in our house, she told me she wished I wouldnt call it an affair.

All I can think of is its some kind of short circuit in the WAS' brain.

As for your question about what this forum is about: The practice of imagining your life without your spouse has two benefits, making you work on yourself, and also possibly making you look like a better option to the WAS. Its all very counter-intuitive, and most of us struggle with it from day to day, which is why we are here!

[Mozza]

How you "think" of OM is one of the most bedeviling questions of this whole experience. Obviously, the less you think of him at all, the better.

I don't think about the OM much. I assume but I'm not even sure there's anything beyond friendship between them. I don't know why it doesn't trouble me more, but it just doesn't. She broke up, hence she has every right. Being upset would only make it more complicated for me to handle the whole situation. One thing I made clear with myself is that I would not try to become someone else to woo her back. I wouldn't be at my best and it would suggest other men are better. I'm reliable, respectful, funny, loyal, reflective, emotional, I dress and speak well enough — I'll continue to be. I'm not athletic, surprising, patient, handsome, romantic — I might work on it, but I couldn't compete.

I felt very weak this morning and now I feel strong. I've compared my R to that of many people over the last month and I've realized that it is special: we have a powerful bond, developed through passionate love, communication, total trust and hardship. Either this bond will bring us back together, or she will not see it and will not be worth it. I can't fix her. I've been the adult in the relationship and so I've beaten myself up in the last month for not fixing her flaws that lead to her departure (immature, impulsive...). But I come to see that a healthy R has to be between equals. Either she'll develop and mature enough to come back (perhaps it IS easier without me), or she won't and she'll live with the consequences (I don't wish her any ill). In the meantime, I can be proud of who I am and work on improving myself, learning the lessons of this R. Life and happiness are a marathon. Who cares if he has a great time after the separation and I don't? It's our nature and behavior that will determine our fate in the long run.

[Little]

Either this bond will bring us back together, or she will not see it and will not be worth it.

I've come to this conclusion myself. It was sort of freeing, in a weird way.

[1foot2]

Really inspiring stuff mozza. You are in the right place.

[jim0987]

Thanks for stopping by my thread. Just caught up on yours and it feels like there are a lot of similarities.

If you improve yourself she might come back. If she doesn't well then your still a better you and more likely to find lasting happiness