So, I just started to DB. On Monday, I realized I did want my husband back, and was willing to really give it a go instead of just saying "whatever happens, happens". I still get mad and angry about the things he did, but my love still shines through.
That being said, we have been talking the past 2 days and it's been nice. We don't talk about the divorce or our relationship. I have been initiating the texts the last couple of days, and decided that I was going to stop today and tomorrow (I will be seeing him this weekend). It was very hard, and I'm a rather clingy person, so I would want to text, but then text someone else. I also kept busy and took a long nap. I was shopping this afternoon when out of the blue he text me asking how everything was, and how our son was doing. It made me very happy. Maybe he was thinking about me, or maybe he wasn't. I'm just taking it as he was thinking about his son enough to text me to see how he was.
I'm not getting my hopes up and expecting this to work, but I'm expecting it to make me a better person. I love my husband, and he "loves me, but is not in love with me". We had problems in our relationship, but I see them as totally fixable. In fact, I was going really well, but then I found out he was having an affair.
I lost my mind and went crazy. This person you see now, posting about good things isn't the person I was a month ago! So, all ready making progress. I think she's still apart of the picture, but I know nothing will come of it. She lives in VA, and we live in TX.
He hasn't seen our son in a month, and I wanted to be mean and keep him away longer, but realized that wasn't what was best. It's best that we can have a great relationship. He's agreed to go to counseling, so I'm excited about that. I know, Michele doesn't recommend that, but I've talked with the counselor and asked her how she felt, and she seemed indifferent. She thinks that with good communication anything can happen. But my husband and I have different parenting styles, so I think we really need to go.
It's going to be a long haul, both mentally and physically. We live 4 hours away from each other. We are getting divorced where he lives, and I thought about moving back in with him to make it easier on me, but decided against it as it probably wouldn't be best for our relationship.
I am very thankful for this website, and my family. There are other divorce support groups I've been doing online, and I'm so thankful I found this! I truly love my husband, and I will not give up on us no matter what.
So, I just started to DB. On Monday, I realized I did want my husband back, and was willing to really give it a go instead of just saying "whatever happens, happens". I still get mad and angry about the things he did, but my love still shines through.
...I have been initiating the texts the last couple of days, and decided that I was going to stop today and tomorrow (I will be seeing him this weekend). It was very hard, and I'm a rather clingy person, so I would want to text, but then text someone else.
...when out of the blue he text me asking how everything was, and how our son was doing. It made me very happy.
...I'm not getting my hopes up and expecting this to work, but I'm expecting it to make me a better person.
...We had problems in our relationship, but I see them as totally fixable. In fact, I was going really well, but then I found out he was having an affair.
...I think she's still apart of the picture, but I know nothing will come of it. She lives in VA, and we live in TX.
He hasn't seen our son in a month, and I wanted to be mean and keep him away longer, but realized that wasn't what was best. It's best that we can have a great relationship. He's agreed to go to counseling, so I'm excited about that.
I know, Michele doesn't recommend that, but I've talked with the counselor and asked her how she felt, and she seemed indifferent. She thinks that with good communication anything can happen. But my husband and I have different parenting styles, so I think we really need to go.
It's going to be a long haul, both mentally and physically.
...We are getting divorced where he lives, and I thought about moving back in with him to make it easier on me, but decided against it as it probably wouldn't be best for our relationship.
I am very thankful for this website, and my family. There are other divorce support groups I've been doing online, and I'm so thankful I found this! I truly love my husband, and I will not give up on us no matter what.
Good for you! You sound like you are doing a lot of great things. First, you did a really great 180 by not being clingy and texting him. He had to react differently to the "new you" and so he texted you and you liked that. Way to go!
Now keep it up and figure out another 180 in your behavior. That will force him to change how he interacts with you and hopefully that new change in the status quo will also result in more happiness for you.
You really haven't talked about GAL which is another key to the DB concepts. You need to work on Getting A Life or GAL, so that you become the best you, you can be, a fascinating woman he will want to be with.
You are right, don't use your child as a wedge. In fact, your child really needs extra support right now. Disrupting his friends and life by moving would be a very bad idea. Also moving in with your H until the D is over is probably not a good idea, but you know that.
My suggestion for you would be to focus on your son and his emotional health, then yourself through GAL. Then work on another 180. Then see where life takes you. Remember that you can not force your H to do anything. All you can do is change yourself, but often that is enough to make others change, but ultimately you H needs to change himself.
Good luck
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
Yes, I just started reading Divorce Remedy. I'm on step 5. It's very hard to see what I did wrong, and how to fix it, or see that our problems were simple problems everyone goes through. I want to fix it, but I can't b/c he wants nothing to do with me.
We didn't talk all day yesterday, and he texted me this morning asking about our son. He then asked me about when I started my new job, and about child support. So, I guess it's good he's taking an interest in something other than our son? Which, was one of my goals. It's like the more I don't text him, the more he texts me. I'm happy that he at least is interested in our son. I also am letting him have his 1st and 3rd weekends. It's going to be hard for me, but maybe he will see that this is the new reality and that he doesn't like just having his son on the weekends.
I am starting to GAL. I start a new job on Monday, just part time, but it'll be good to get out of the house and not have my mind on the D. Also, I'm a really crafty person (or I try to be), so I think I'm going to get really good at it. There's a couple of craft shops around here, and it would be great if I could sell my stuff!
thank you all for the comments and support! It's very hard to say I want to save my marriage. My family support me getting a divorce and moving on from my husband. But, this is my life, and I want to do the best for my son and myself, whether that's with him or not.
Also, he agreed to go to counseling for co-parenting rather than work our relationship. Should I take him up on this, or not go at all? As I stated before, our counselor we were going to before is indifferent to if we stay married or not, and agrees that great communication could lead to anything.
I'm a little hesitant because it is so way away and will be very hard to manage with my young son. Am I looking into this as something more?
The past few days have been rough. I really don't have any support to save my marriage, and it makes it difficult when my own husband doesn't even want to. Feeling very emotional today as well. I called my husband last night around 12:30 about 6 times ( a big no-no, I know). I also called him this morning and asked him to call me when he could. He called me. I don't really know what I was going to say, but I know I was going to beg him to take me back. But, instead of doing that, I just told him I didn't want to talk about what I wanted to talk about anymore.
I wish I could say that I was good and I stopped our entire conversation there, but I didn't. I texted him asking how he felt about us and if he thought we would work out. He told me that he felt it just wasn't for the best. I acknowledged and confirmed his feelings and thanked him for being open with me.
Although I messed up, I still handled this better than I normally do. So, in a way I guess I did a 180? Maybe more of a 90 or 45.
I am really starting to question why I am doing this, and feeling like nothing is really going to help. I know I'm going to end up divorced, and it's awful. I truly think my husband is happier without me. I guess I need to be happy without him.
Confused and emotional today. Hope tomorrow is better.
My plan is to not talk to him until Thursday to discuss where we will meet to drop our son off. I hope I can do it. I just have to fill my days with stuff to do.
Today went well. I stayed very busy with my family and my son. Did text my husband to ask about the other half of the child support he is suppose to give me.
He told me that he would pay for 1/2 of daycare and child support. He said he was only to give me the other half of my child support b/c he paid the van payment. I just okay thank you, even though I wanted to argue about it.
He told me he would pay for the van, child support, and 1/2 of daycare. I mean what he did was fair, but it's not what we agreed to, and I feel like he's backing out. I guess I should be lucky to get anything since this is not in writing yet, and we haven't even been to court.
Still having hope that I can save my marriage, but am very excited to be GAL, and thinking down the road of a future without him, even though it's not what I want. I have to move on and support my son whether he wants to around or not. This is hard, but I am starting to accept it. I hope things turn around, and I hope the DR works for me. Still miss and love him every night when I lie down.
Hi Emily, I am sorry for the situation you are in. The best advice I can give you is to speak with a Divorce Busting Coach today. You will feel so much better knowing that you do have someone in your corner supporting you in saving your marriage & keeping your family together. I agree with one of your previous posts regarding counseling together. Please watch Michele's video regarding "When Couples Therapy is a Bad Idea" Sounds like that might be what you experienced.
Divorce Busting coaches will give you the best guidance on how to save your marriage and get things moving in a more positive direction. Please call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
..Yes, I just started reading Divorce Remedy. I'm on step 5. It's very hard to see what I did wrong, and how to fix it, or see that our problems were simple problems everyone goes through.
...I want to fix it, but I can't b/c he wants nothing to do with me.
We didn't talk all day yesterday, and he texted me this morning asking about our son.
....It's like the more I don't text him, the more he texts me.
....I am starting to GAL. I start a new job on Monday, just part time,
....I called my husband last night around 12:30 about 6 times ( a big no-no, I know). I also called him this morning and asked him to call me when he could. He called me. I don't really know what I was going to say, but I know I was going to beg him to take me back.
...I texted him asking how he felt about us and if he thought we would work out. He told me that he felt it just wasn't for the best.
...Although I messed up, I still handled this better than I normally do. So, in a way I guess I did a 180? Maybe more of a 90 or 45.
I am really starting to question why I am doing this, and feeling like nothing is really going to help. I know I'm going to end up divorced, and it's awful. I truly think my husband is happier without me. I guess I need to be happy without him.
....I just have to fill my days with stuff to do.
First of all, you are starting to understand things, but you really need to read and study the DB book. What you are going through, no matter what you think has happened to others. In fact when you do some of the right things like "detatch" as a "full 180" it bring results that you like. Let that sink in. Really try to be consistent. Whether it is raising a child, training a dog or dealing with a freaked out husband, consistency is important. You should know that.
So if you are going to do this, do it right and don't be clingy. You know on some level it doesn't work. Your own words, if you read and understood them show it doesn't work.
Second, I think that trying to save your marriage for both you and your child is a worthy goal. Unfortuntately it is hard work that will be required of you, consistency on your part to really SHOW him that you can change and have changed and are not the same person he decided to leave. Even if you are up to it, it still may not work, because you can't make, beg, plead or bargin him to do anything he doesn't want to do. Still with hard work and changing yourself you can force him to interact with you differently and possibly in a better way. Very little in life that is worthwhile is easy, so don't play the part of a victim. Take control of your life and do those things that you can to make your life better for you and your son.
Now getting a part time job is a great first step in GAL! However, GAL is much more than that. It involves making you a better and more interesting person. It involve you doing a make-over on you. Have you ever seen the TCL TV show what not to wear?
You may want to imagine you are in your husband's shoes and think about if you would be more interesting if you lost weight or got in better shape. One of the things you could do is figure out some physical activity to do with your son. This could be going to swim class together, jogging together (even if he was an infact they have jogging strollers), bicycling together two to four times a week.
Exercise is a great way to cut down on depression. A well thought out GAL physical activity with your son could even help him and help grow the bond between you and your son. A side benefit, might even be that when he is with his father, he will tell dad about the neat and interesting stuff his is doing with mom.
GAL is not just filling up your day with stuff, it is doing things that will change you and your situation for the better and make you a more interesting (and desirable) person to your H (or the next person in your life).
As to wondering why you are doing this. Well that is a question for you. You said you wanted to do it for your son and to make sure you can look at yourself in a mirror and said that you did everything you could to save the marriage. Those are really worthwhile goals. Children of divorced parents have a much harder chance of having a marriage that doesn't end in divorce. Divorce is one of the things that can eaily destroy a families finances and that in turn creates problems for the children of such families. Again, if you are only going to try Divorce Busting because its "easy" or you do it half-heartedly, your chance of success is much less. But what you do is your choice, just as what you H does is his choice.
Good luck to you in whatever you decide to do. As someone who has been close to divorce in a very long term marriage, I know that many of the DB principles work and work well when applied consistently for a long period of time. GAL that transforms you in a way that your spouse can not ignore can produce incredible results in they way they view you and interact with you. The same with consistently applied 180's.
>43 years of marriage--My wife and I are now closer than we have been in decades. I believe that my SSM is over.
