my chance = HIS chance

[makingmagic]

I didn't realize that my thread was locked...oops

old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...526#Post2495526

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I decided to call this thread "my chance = HIS chance"... as this is how I need to view this. I realize that he is indulging into some form of a R with me, atm...and I am super thrilled for that. However, I need to realize that it is HIM who is lucky and this is HIS chance to get things right with me!

Due to some questions that I had for my accountant, he brought up again today that we need to still discuss/finalize our deal.... also, because he will be needing some $$ now too (business needs new roof)

Today he tried to get me to come along on a business road trip... just for the company. As much as I wanted to go & get out of here, I figured here was another opportunity that was convenient for him to have me on his term. It was hard to say no, because I am eager to get outside, talk to other people, ANYTHING that gets me out of the house....But, I said "no, that I should probably do some administrative stuff that I hadn't done this morning due to investigating another project". His response was fine, but then when I asked about something else, he seemed a little on the pissy/irritable side.

If he wants to spend time with me, it should be "after hours"... not squeezed in because its a nice day & he choses to take my company/time. However, him even asking me to go is a 180 for him, as before he would see this as a one person job.... it doesn't take 2 people to go an hour away to get a part. (Although we just did this together 2 days ago)

[makingmagic]

Eric... where are you? (Tx for giving me permission to contact you off site)

Things seem to be rolling along & others are commenting that they notice that my X seems to be changing/more relaxed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Yesterday, he went out of town, I gave an excuse to stay behind and not be convenient/available. When he returned he asked if I wanted to go out for a drink with him and our mechanic/friend. I was still eager to get out & be with other people so I jumped at his offer. He asked me to meet at his place to wait for our friend to show up. Once there, I gave him his b-day gift & we were lounging relaxing on the bed. Opposite ends. He made sure that his leg entwined with mine & then he placed his hand on my foot. Light convo. I remembered that I needed to look for my birth certificate, but forgot as we left. He remembered & said when I get back I can look again.

We went for drinks with our friend. Our friend seems to be living a happy married life & knows how to separate work from life even though his shop is on his property. He was commenting that he has noticed that my Xbf is more relaxed and casual, not so stressed since buying the property.

After drinks, I went back to his place... along the ride I mentioned how I wanted to get my birth certificate. He said I could take a good look another time, if I wanted. I said, that I think I know where it was and prefer to get it now. I asked if that was ok and he said sure. When I got in, it wasn't in the drawer I assumed it would be... He suggested to try another drawer (my stuff was moved) and it was. I was a little upset going through my stuff but didn't make a fuss about it and asked for a half glass of wine. When he returned with my wine, he sat on the bed & started to massage my shoulders, neck & back. I reciprocated back massaging his legs & feet. At one point he sat facing me & started kissing me. At this point I had finished my wine & said "well, I guess I should get going...its getting late (9:30)" He said "its early". It was difficult, but I pulled myself out of that situation and began to leave. He informed me that he was "in the mood" but did not pressure or ask me to stay. Its my choice to leave. I told him that we could have "flirt chat/sex" over the phone... that it would be fun... But, he wasn't into doing that... maybe another time.

Admittingly, I was disappointed that he didn't want to do what I wanted to do.

I wasn't sure how to handle that rejection. He asked me to text when I got in. So, I did. I also sent a text saying "thanks for sharing and a sad face"... He replied "your welcome & cheers"

Its odd, but I do feel him warming up to me & wanting to be with me more.

[ericmsant2]

Eric... where are you? (Tx for giving me permission to contact you off site)

You are welcome. If you emailed me I did not receive anything.

Due to some questions that I had for my accountant, he brought up again today that we need to still discuss/finalize our deal.... also, because he will be needing some $$ now too (business needs new roof)

Tick tock tick tock tick tock tick tock…….. <insert picture of Eric yawning……..thinking…when is this deal gonna get done>

it doesn't take 2 people to go an hour away to get a part. (Although we just did this together 2 days ago)

Yes…no….yes….no….yes…no…..

I hope you can start to see that your own actions are confusing. They confusing because they are imo, tactics. I know you will disagree with me and justify it. I expect it. I have been around long enough and have seen and read enough ….not to mention lived it myself…to recognize that your actions are specifically to secure a REACTION from your H.

Let me show you what I define as tactics…..

I gave an excuse to stay behind and not be convenient/available

If you wanted to go – then go. If you did not want to go…then you should not have gone. You see, you do things EXPECTING him to do or not do something vs YOU doing something because YOU want to. Wanna know why? FEAR. Period. You still FEAR losing him and guess what…that gives HIM all of the POWER in the R.

I was still eager to get out & be with other people so I jumped at his offer.

NOTICE that YOU did not just get out to be with other people. Nope. YOU agreed to HIS offer. Now I’m not sure how the convo went…but I suspect that it was not a (you to him)..”umm…yeah I was just about to head out so sure if you want to drop me off that would be great”. It appears to me, once again that HE drove the direction that this went.

Once there, I gave him his b-day gift & we were lounging relaxing on the bed. Opposite ends. He made sure that his leg entwined with mine & then he placed his hand on my foot. Light convo. I remembered that I needed to look for my birth certificate, but forgot as we left. He remembered & said when I get back I can look again.

Why do you lay on his bed? Noticed that HE entwined his leg. Another example of everything done on his terms and his way. That is…with the exception of the tactic you try to get him to do something your way.

After drinks, I went back to his place... along the ride I mentioned how I wanted to get my birth certificate. He said I could take a good look another time, if I wanted. I said, that I think I know where it was and prefer to get it now. I asked if that was ok and he said sure. When I got in, it wasn't in the drawer I assumed it would be... He suggested to try another drawer (my stuff was moved) and it was. I was a little upset going through my stuff but didn't make a fuss about it and asked for a half glass of wine. When he returned with my wine, he sat on the bed & started to massage my shoulders, neck & back. I reciprocated back massaging his legs & feet. At one point he sat facing me & started kissing me. At this point I had finished my wine & said "well, I guess I should get going...its getting late (9:30)" He said "its early". It was difficult, but I pulled myself out of that situation and began to leave. He informed me that he was "in the mood" but did not pressure or ask me to stay. Its my choice to leave. I told him that we could have "flirt chat/sex" over the phone... that it would be fun... But, he wasn't into doing that... maybe another time.

Admittingly, I was disappointed that he didn't want to do what I wanted to do.

Sometimes reading the stuff your write is tough. Really tough. You just DO NOT, CARE NOT TO or CANNOT see the dynamic in your R.

- You asked for wine (not a sign that you are beginning to pull away from him). You ask for wine in his house, where you had been laying on his bed. More on this…
- He started to rub your back. Ummm…I wonder what he was thinking. He already served you wine, so maybe just maybe…he was and it appears he was, trying to “get some”. What does that say about YOU…that he does not respect you enough to be flexiable and give you what YOU need.
- “he” started kissing you. Your pulling back IMO, only did one thing – it told him NOT today. It did not tell him that YOU matter, that YOUR needs matter.
- He informed me “he was in the mood”….funny it is always about HIM, his needs, his wants, his timing.
- I told him we could have flirty chat sex – WTF….are you kidding me. Do you understand why you offered this? Was it just that you were horny? Or was it…YOU way of staying connected but still trying to play hard to get so that he understand you are serious about respecting yourself. If it was the later…not a good move IMO.
- “it was difficult” but I pulled away – Look who am I to judge. If you needed to get “off” ya should have just done it. Chances are you would feel the same way you do today. It is almost like he has a control over you – both your mind and your body. Until you realize that, there is not much anyone can do to help you.

Its odd, but I do feel him warming up to me & wanting to be with me more.

How from this you get this feeling is beyond me.

He could be hung like a horse, have the stamina of a thoroughbred….and I still would want not part of him. None. Not now.


MM, I really beginning to wonder….are you really trying to FIX you or are you just trying to get HIM back.


I assume it is the later….so maybe my advice should be geared more toward just getting him back. If this is indeed the case then here is my advice.

1) Sleep with him whenever he wants or whenever you want.
2) Keep doing what you are doing – he will come back…whenever it is that he is ready.
3) If he does not come back anytime soon at least you guys can still run the business and be f-buddies.
4) Really….if you entire purpose in life is to get him back….keep doing what you are doing.

[makingmagic]

Hi Eric,

"SOME" of what you say is true... some is not:

I forgot to mention that while in our/his bedroom looking for my birth certificate, I noticed a handwritten statement that he was writing like a will. Appointing his dad as executor, stating I am 49% business, money to go to my DD, and his mom to have some direction of his money too.

I know he is working in his head on figuring out our agreement stuff.

My actions (yes, no, yes, no) are what I understood Michelles approach to saving our R... to not say yes to every offer. It is not done intentionally as a tactic, but to try to withhold "some" dignity and make him do the work he should be doing to GET me.

We lay on his bed, as our room was always more of a TV room anyway. We were in there opening his bday gift and just relaxing. Most of the furniture in the living room is gone (mine). There is a small 2 seater sofa in there.... thats it.

YES!!! Exactly "HE" entwined his leg & "HE" placed his hand on my foot. <<<< This is the stuff I have been waiting for. This is the stuff that was missing in our relationship. It was always ME who did the approach and affection stuff.

Eric, I NEEEEEEEED to see/know that HE chooses me!! 180 for both! I need to hear "his" suggestions of what we will do (socially), feel "his" moves (affection, sexual attempts), etc. <<<< this is the pursuit I need/want. I understand the difference between his terms/his direction vs. mine. I am slowly getting a guy who is more invested, because HE wants to be... (not cuz I manipulated or controlled it). He invited me out last night. He could have easily gone for drinks with his buddy & not include me. This is new.



~ Yes, I asked for wine, I was standing at the time (lounging was 2 hours earlier before going out). He motioned for me to sit on the bed. It was quite nice for HIM (not me) to offer massage.

~ Yes, HE started to rub my back (we both complain of aches often). He suggested that we go for couples massages. Its possible that HE was trying to get some. However, he did not pursue all that much if he was trying to get that. I don't understand how this is not respecting or giving me what I need.... explain?

~ He started kissing me, and I pulled away (180)...I do not do that!!!! OK, it told him not today (and thats how I was feeling..not today) .... not understanding how that is a bad thing. I was feeling good that I was able to control myself.

~ Yes... he was "in the mood"... yes, its about him!! ... However, he did not pout or get demanding. He was ok that "I" was not indulging in him.

~ Yes... looking at it now, asking for flirty phone call, was because I wanted to stay connected... I guess, kind of playing hard to get... Im not understanding what you are suggesting here. Why not a good move?

~ Yes, pulling away was hard because I want to BE with him. I love our time when in his arms, etc. At this time, he may have control over my mind and body (will think of that)... If I accept and realize that... what does that do. Makes me want to gain control of myself (as above).... isn't that what I am learning to do?

The feeling of him warming up is based on someone who just before BD and up until June was pulling away from me. Now he is coming closer. Asking for my time, starting to be affectionate and not just to guarantee sex. Asking me for family time. Willing to adjust his day, to accommodate me. <<< its just the start... but I see & feel it.

Eric... THIS ^^^^^ stuff is Fixing my relationship....like I said, its just the start.

I am seeing that the more I can pull back the more he leans in.... much like in my previous threads that Job advised me to do. It is now working. "do what works".

There is a lot that needs to be fixed... this is just the beginning.

It is a good feeling to know that he is investing a little more in ME.

Yes, I want him back (if changes continue).

1) we are not sleeping or intercourse ...yet
2) yes... he may be coming back...when he is ready (this is his schedule), not by my demand/request. <<< this will change when I decide I want to confirm our status.
3) we will run the business... I will not be f-buddy.
4) Yep... it has been my entire focus... now that he has invested a little more, maybe now I can have the strength and confidence to find other purposes.

Eric, please do not see this as disagreement... I really do consider what you say. I have questions that I need to ask so that I understand your position better....Tx

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Today, one of us needs to go out of town again to get a part for business. He keeps forming the convo so that it includes me. When he asked if I was going, I said that I couldn't due to my DD lawyer appointment this afternoon. He is currently out for his weekly breakfast with his dad and was willing to cut it short to accommodate me so that I could go... he said "think about it"

He just called again, I could tell he was feeling out the conversation to see if I was going to go with him.

I won't be able to go... kind of rushed if trying to manage with my DD appointment.

[ericmsant2]

MM

SOME" of what you say is true... some is not:

How did I know you were gonna say this ^^^

I noticed a handwritten statement that he was writing like a will. Appointing his dad as executor, stating I am 49% business, money to go to my DD, and his mom to have some direction of his money too.

WOW….did I ever tell you the story of the love note my ex wrote but never gave to me? She wrote it the day before she told me she wanted out. Yeah…I’m sure the “words” are the same as “actions”.

I know he is working in his head on figuring out our agreement stuff.

Okay…a guy named Eric Santos runs Powerball in my state. Can you tell me what numbers he has in his head? Just wondering since you know what your BF is thinking…which leads me to ask….can you scan his brain and see when the business deal will be finalized?

My actions (yes, no, yes, no) are what I understood Michelles approach to saving our R... to not say yes to every offer. It is not done intentionally as a tactic, but to try to withhold "some" dignity and make him do the work he should be doing to GET me.

Honestly, hire a DB coach…have them read ALL your threads and then see what they say about Michelle’s book. FTR, I would be willing to pay for the session – and I am really not kidding.

Eric, I NEEEEEEEED to see/know that HE chooses me!!

And THERE is the PROBLEM….YOU NEED…and that is exactly how you feel. One day I hope and pray that you understand the difference between NEED and WANT. When you do all of this will make sense to you.

Eric, please do not see this as disagreement

Not at all…I NO LONGER see it as disagreement.

So my advice will change now…

You are doing wonderful MM. He is coming closer to you. You see everything you are doing is working. Keep doing what you are doing. He will come back.

Better?

[uRworthy]

Hey Eric, is your head ok? LOL!

Forgive me MM as I havent read through all your threads. But I have read enough to see that you arent understanding dbing really well.

The thing of it is this. You live your life. You become your best self. You fix the things you decide need fixing. You get yourself good and strong. You figure out that you dont need him, you want him. Happiness is found within you. Someone else should enhance your life, not define it.

You are so wrapped up in his every move and word that you cant really see how this is playing out.

He needs to figure himself out. You need to figure yourself out. When all the work is done, if he decides to look to you, then you decide what you want from a place of strength.

You are giving him all the power here. All of it. You may think you have it when you play these games of cat and mouse with him, but you really dont, sweetie.

This shouldnt be a game or a tactic. It has to be real. The kissing, not kissing, the going or not going. All reads like a game from you.

The reason you say no to going somewhere with him is that you actually have a life that you are living, with friends and activities that you enjoy. So that there will be times that you naturally cannot go with him.

If you are laying in a bed with him and massaging each other, then you pull away or stop...that just aint right. Not fair to put him or you in that position.

He knows you want him, M. There are blaring red lights and freakin fireworks telling him that.

If he wants you, and I mean really wants you, you would know it without a single doubt. If he is still trying to figure that out, he isnt ready.

You need to act with dignity and honor and grace because that's who you want to be. You need to mean what you say and say what you mean because that's who you want to be.

Live your life, M. Be the best person you can be. Find the strength and courage to know deep in your heart that you are worthy and enough. If he wants to recommitt, he will know where to find you. Til then, leave him to figure himself out.

He cant do that while looking over this shoulder at you. He is giving you mixed signals. Screw that, M. You are worth more than that.

You have to become someone who knows that you will be fine whatever way this turns out.

How can you become her?

[sandi2]

I think you are trying to use what you've been told or read about. I really do. But the way you see what you are doing is not the way it appears outwardly, IMHO. For example, when he kissed you, you pulled away. You said it was a 180 for you. Then he gets worked up to have sex and you up and leave......but ask for sexting. You see it as doing things in your time, etc.

In my day, men had a word for women who did what I just wrote about, and they did not say it in fondness. They called this being a "tease". Not a sweet, flirty, fun sort of way (that women may think as teasing), but they meant leading a man on sexually......only to deny him. (And you know how rejection feels, don't you?) That is exactly how it looks to me. If I am wrong, the guys can set me straight.

I honestly don't believe you had the intentions to tease, but your methods gets a bit mixed up. If you intend to do things in "your time" then don't lay around on the bed with him and letting him play footsie with you. If he's a warm blooded male, he will see that as leading to sex, MM. Instead of leaving him wanting more, he probably saw it as more game playing.

If you intend to hold out until you have commitment from him, I say good for you. But to ask him for wine, lay around on the bed together, let him try to kiss you........who wouldn't get ideas? And who wouldn't see it as you being a tease? Yes, you felt quite proud of yourself for being able to turn him down and walk away. But wouldn't it be better to know "now" where you plan to draw the line before showtime.....then handle yourself from that direction from the get go? It seems to me that would be a lot classier than just letting your feelings decide if you are strong enough to leave at that moment. Not that your BF would....but that's how some women get raped. Just please think about it.

[makingmagic]

Hmmm... some things to look at. Thank you Sandi, uRworthy & Eric.

Sandi... I honestly was not doing that to tease. I was trying to do things in "my time". I was trying to convey enjoyment of his hand on my foot, and appreciation for the massage. When he kissed me... I liked that too. I was just trying to end it there and say good night. I was trying to leave him wanting more... I think where I failed was suggesting sexting, etc.<<< this was game playing here. oops. I will think about this next time.

uR...."He needs to figure himself out. You need to figure yourself out. When all the work is done, if he decides to look to you, then you decide what you want from a place of strength. " <<<<< this is where I think we are. We have both done the work (and its still evolving). He is now looking at me, and I am deciding what I want (I am coming from a place where I am challenging and testing my own strength).

The cat/mouse, on/off, kissing/not kissing is what is confusing for me too. I want to be pursued & when he does... am I to give in? I want to leave him wanting more and it not be a game (this is new for me).

I want some of that power... like you suggest. I do think I am starting to have "some" of it. I want more of it & it feels like it comes stronger for me the more I get confident that he is "into it" with me.

"If he wants to recommitt, he will know where to find you. Til then, leave him to figure himself out." <<<< I think he has come to find me (finally).... he just isn't ready to label it (yet). He is "testing the water"... we are treading together. I too am "testing with him"... I want to KNOW certain things before I recommit too. I am not sure if he is giving mixed signals anymore. HE feels like he is changing to be a better person and HE feels he is making the efforts towards me.

I can't believe he is FINALLY making the suggestions & offerings that I was longing for since BD. I wasn't sure he would ever come around again. I am trying to use the squirrel analogy.... is this not the right way?


You asked how I can become the woman who will be ok either way... Three things: to continue to pursue my business agreement, buy a house and hold MY value at each interaction.

Eric... no, I cannot mind read. but I have eyes... I noticed a tab on his computer the other day about appointing executor. I know he is doing stuff.

OK... "need" is desperate.. Want is "desire".... I "want" certain things...

Please don't change the direction of your advice, please continue to direct me. Please also let me know where I am doing things right. TX!
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Last night, we worked late & had to drop a client off at Costco & my vehicle was there as well. As we were pulling into Costco, he asks if I want to grab a pizza tonight and go back to the house and have some drinks. I wasn't able to answer right away as I received a phone call while he was asking. When I got off the phone, I clarified ... and then said sure.

At the house, we sat on the 2 seater couch and he poured me wine & served me pizza. He put on a movie that he had already seen and we sat there and watched it. He toasted to a "successful day" . We watched the movie. Near the end, he was self massaging his arm. I started to massage it for him for a bit. He placed his hand on my leg. I finished massaging & he kept his hand on my leg. I suggested that I leave as we were both tired, he said I should stay till the end of the movie.

I called my DD to come get me at 11. She arrived and he kissed me goodnight.

[sandi2]

No, I don't believe you saw it as teasing. I think you are earnest in wanting to apply what you have read. Your problem is that you don't fully grasp some of it. You are unsure so it keeps you from being consistent in your actions.

So, look at what you want. You want him to pursue you. You feel he has never done the pursuing. I get it. The guys here may be able to help more in that department, IDK. However, I think he never had to pursue, b/c you did it. And I think pursuing must take a bit of energy. I get the impression he tends to be lazy in working on the R......so it makes sense he would not be too zealous pursuing one. However. If you don't pursue, then he will have to do it. Btw, you pursue him every time you discuss the R.

If I understood correctly, when you pull back a little, he draws closer. Add that fact with knowing he does not like for you to pressure him....leads me to suggest the area you MUST be consistent in is keeping your mouth closed about the R. You have not fully tamed that about yourself. So connect those dots.

No R talk from you = his pursuit

Things seem to be complicated in this "relationship", and therefore, it makes the advice more complicated for you to understand and apply. So, I wonder if it would be better for you to stop the game playing altogether. Stop any forms of manipulation. For example, "leaving him wanting more" may be seen as you trying to manipulate him. Personally, I think females have used that one specific "method" since the days of Eve! Early in a new R when a couple first meets, etc., that may work. I think the man plays along a lot of times, just as long as he feels he will finally conquer her. I just don't know that it will work the way you were trying the other night with XBF. IMHO, it would be better to not put yourself in those possible compromising positions. Being in your former bedroom together, drinking wine and having massages, laying on the bed, etc., was setting the mood for intimacy. Surely you knew it. Were you going to see if he would pursue you sexually? I mean, it is an old trick women do when nothing else seems to work. You must have felt a little gratification to see that he still desired you. It just seem kind of Scarlett O'Hara to play......"Oh no, I can't.....you shouldn't, Rhet!" . Having self respect is good. However, i am not convinced this was an act of valuing yourself, b/c you pretty much shot it down when you suggested the sexting. Yes, I believe that was where you really messed up the worst. But my point being, if you are going to be this "respectful lady" who wants to be pursued by him......don't try to manipulate him in the bedroom and then run out as if you were a shy virgin. Can you see what I mean here? It really does come across as teasing and game playing. I am not saying you should have had sex with him. I am saying you did not handle the situation properly. (Btw, please do not decide to "clarify" your actions with him. Just let it be and don't draw more attention to it.)

What I am trying to say, and having a difficult time, apparently, is to just cut out all the BS. if you can do this one thing............No R talk = his pursuit, then I believe it will be quite an accomplishment. Do you agree? Just simplify your life, MM, by cutting out all this stuff you are trying to apply in what you see as DBing. If you can control your mouth, you will be doing a jam-up job of DBing!

[makingmagic]

Hi Sandi....

Your advice comes with perfect timing.

~~~~~~~~~

After work yesterday, I began to fret if we were going to get together for the evening or not. I know this is not a good feeling for me. This may be due to PMS. I also realized that if I were to ask him for the evening, that would place him in a position to accept or decline. I feared his decline, but also wanted to know that if "I" wanted to get together, would he? So, I approached it in a way knowing that he still had chores he wanted to do at home, I said that I still had things I wanted to do as well and we could see how we felt when we are done. He agreed.

I had time to kill so I popped over to my friends house to burn off that stress as I did not want to be alone.

At 7:00 I texted him. "almost done", he said so was he and asked if I wanted to come over for a bonfire and left over pizza. I said yes.

After the fire, we went inside & I started warming up the pizza while he was in the shower. He came in from the shower (half naked, as usual) and I approached him by kissing him. He led me to the bedroom... we made out.

I indulged in our make out session as I am very attracted to him sexually, and I know he has been "in the mood" for a few days. I also wanted him to not feel like I have been teasing him. I also know that he prefers sex before eating/going out. Therefore he can focus on TV instead of it lingering in the background of his head. This was reassured after as while we were watching TV, I sat there in my undies, tank top & socks (to be comfy). He mentioned that while I looked cute, he was not interested. I jokingly asked that if I wanted "more" would he.. he joked "no, as it was no longer on his mind". I gave a puzzled face. He reassured me that if "I" wanted more, he would participate for me.

We sat & watched two TV shows, as he said that he could not commit to a 2 hour movie. Close to 10:00 my DD called offering to pick me up. I said yes.

I guess I was feeling a bit annoyed/used. Maybe this is accurate or not (PMS). I hinted this as well. I felt that he got what he wanted. Then he feels/mentions that he gave me some time (tv/pizza). I question, if thats all that is wanted..... I dunno (again could be my PMS). I know that HE feels that he is doing his part. Whether its the right way or not, its who he is and how HE feels.

As much as I wanted to stay, I do not want to overstay my welcome. He hugged & kissed me goodbye.

After while, he sends me a text: "you looked cute in your long work socks, btw"

I was in the shower and couldn't reply right away. I said "tx"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sandi:

THANK YOU for reminding me R talk is pursuit. I WILL NOT R talk! I WILL NOT R talk!!


When I got in last night, I read your message and wondered what was bugging me & then realized that it is PMS time. I have recognized that PMS makes me needy/clingy and wanting affection/words/attention more than usual.... typically just for a few days. Each and EVERY "R" talk has been around the time of PMS... so, I am trying to be more aware of its arrival.

I agree with you, I don't fully grasp how to apply what I have learned and read. It does make me inconsistent too.

You are very accurate, he has never had to pursue... because I DID IT. Pursuing does take energy and he just doesn't have the energy or time (I have heard him say this too)... Yes, add some lazy in there too. So, when he "feels" he has done something (as above: pizza/tv time). He "feels" he has done his part. Anything more than this is probably like asking for too much.... where do I go from here? talking about it or responding like I do/did, is not helpful or good. Any suggestions?

You are bang on when you say that I MUST be consistent in keeping my mouth shut!! This seems to work for us. I like how you show:

NO R talk from me = his pursuit.

You might be right again when you suggest that all forms of "hard to get" might be coming across as manipulation or game playing (since I am not successful at being this way). However, I do want to learn the skill of it, as I do not want to be an "easy"/available person either.

I do need to learn to put him 2nd. He should not be so high above everything else in my day... and honestly he still is. Its not like I can say to him, "no, sorry.. can't do that because I have work to do"... this is BS... he knows what work is priority and when I can goof off with him on HIS timing for injecting fun during the work day. I have no real excuse/reason to provide him.... HELP!!!????

I do not need to worry, if he is sexually desiring me... I KNOW this much and was super happy back in June when it was recognized and he admitted/declared it. It was what helped put us back on track. An interest & desire to be passionate again.

I agree... the sexting part was wrong wrong wrong. I lost my self respect too. I felt it after I said it. I see how it comes across. It is not nice.

I will DEFINATELY work at applying your math equation.

This is NO time (PMS) for "R" talk anyway...it always led to pushing him away.

Thanks again Sandi!!