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A Message from Michele
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Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo #2496087
10/10/14 08:19 PM
10/10/14 08:19 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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shodan  Offline OP
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http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2496086&#Post2496086

Here is a link to my older post. I highly encourage folks to read it and learn from Starsky's wisdom and experience

What I wrote in my last post:

"Totally great points and love the post. Thank you for sharing. It captures a lot of my feelings and my actions and words with my wife.

But my concern is that I am giving her more opptys to cake eat when she lies on me or when we have fun together. If there were no A, I would agree with you. But with the A in play, it is just cake eating. With that said, I also need to make sure she sees compassion and love at the same time.

She knows that the road back home is paved should she choose to end the A. But, I will and am pursuing a D since to date, she has elected to stay in the A."


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Re: Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo [Re: shodan] #2496091
10/10/14 08:33 PM
10/10/14 08:33 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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I guess for me, I had more clarity in that regard. It only felt like "cake-eating" to me when my wife was cheating on me and I didn't know about it. Once I knew, and she KNEW that I knew, and she knew that I wasn't willing to live in an open marriage and although I didn't want a divorce I was starting to move on and I told her "I won't wait forever" . . . it changed the dynamic. I would even reinforce that with "Look, I know all about where you went last nite, and this is all incredibly disrespectful to our marriage and to our family," etc.

So it was all kinda like "look, let's both kut the krap. We both know what's going on right now, and this doesn't work for me. Looks like we've both got some decisions to make."

Did she have contact -- even sex -- with OM dozens of times after that? Yes, I'm sad to say. And while I felt at various times angry, confused, sad, p*ssed, sad, disappointed, disgusted, sad, angry . . . I never felt like it was "cake-eating" anymore, because *I* knew I had a plan, and I knew that plan had everything up to and including divorce on the table, I had separated our finances and put basic boundaries in place.

It was infidelity, for sure -- even adultery. But it was no longer "cake-eating." Because we both knew what the truth was, and what the stakes were, even if we didn't yet know where we would ultimately land.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo [Re: Starsky309] #2496121
10/10/14 10:34 PM
10/10/14 10:34 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline
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Starsky, I think the boundaries set remove the "Cake-eating" factor from it.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
Re: Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo [Re: Jefe] #2496234
10/11/14 02:06 PM
10/11/14 02:06 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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shodan  Offline OP
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Last night I was out with a friend who was super supportive. He thinks that we will make it because we has such a great relationship in his eyes.

My wife was asleep last night when I got back and I was up early for my flight. This whole process s$cks. I want my family to be together but my W has to recommit to our M. I hope our weekend apart will help figure what she wants. I need out of limbo. Today the pain is pretty bad. My chest hurts and I am just sad.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Re: Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo [Re: shodan] #2496406
10/12/14 02:56 PM
10/12/14 02:56 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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shodan  Offline OP
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my response on my other thread...trying to consolidate on to a new one....

quote=shodan]I am confused more than anything else. When my W and I are together, things can be pretty great. We act and look like a marriage couple sans any true affection. She lays on me at night and we sleep very well together.

But my concern is that allowing this to happen will only give her the oppty to stay in her A and have all of her needs met by two men. She has no reason to stop the A. Hence my boundaries: I will not share my W with a third party.

Part of me wants to just give her time to sort out her life. Based on the convos that we have had, she had a lot of bottled up hurt and anger. She just was not happy and admits to never telling me. She had been thinking about asking for a D for a long time. Further, since she is cooling it with the OM (to some extent) part of me wants to give her time and not continue to push for the D and just let it play out.

Here are some of the signs of her cooling it with him:
- she is spending WAY less time in NYC
- when she goes, she has gone on first flights out in the morning or taken the last flight home...she easily could have stayed another night
- I am gone this weekend in FL visiting my parents and my kids are with my MIL...she is alone for two days yet she is home and not in NYC (I have spoken with her a few times this weekend about my mom (she had a massive stroke) and have a good sense for what my W has done this weekend...the OM is not there)
- her text exchange with him implied that she is cooling it

But, she still is in contact with him via phone and text. Even if the PA has now become an EA, the EA still is damaging to our R.

So what do I do? Give her time and be patient OR enforce my boundary that I will not share my W with a third party.
[/quote]


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Re: Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo [Re: shodan] #2496407
10/12/14 03:02 PM
10/12/14 03:02 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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shodan  Offline OP
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Ultimately I am confused...

I believe strongly that my W is moving her PA to an EA (based on my comments above). Although I am pushing for divorce mediation because I do not want to share my W with a third party, I do not want to give up hope. My W has seen changes in me and has commented about them. But she still has a lot of hurt bottled up inside. When we connect, I know she feels the true connection that we always have had. But I also know that my pushing for the D will seem to her like I am trying to control the situation (per usual) rather than letting her move on her own timeline. And therefore, she likely will let the D happen even if she knows it is not the best move for our family.

So the DB method would call for (I think):
- be patient
- give her space
- be fun, be the husband only a fool would leave
- do everything I can to detach and GAL, which will help with the second bullet (give her space).


Do I keep divorce mediation in my back pocket, or does that convey weakness?


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Re: Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo [Re: shodan] #2496413
10/12/14 03:33 PM
10/12/14 03:33 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline
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Since I wasn't the one to file, I don't know how it works, but can you keep the process going but slow it down?


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo [Re: wmwb123] #2496435
10/12/14 06:53 PM
10/12/14 06:53 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 350
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shodan Offline OP
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shodan  Offline OP
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Yes I absolutely can. She is not looking to push the D. She only mentioned it the one time back in June. What she has said is "I don't know how I feel" which is actually an improvement from June/July when she said "I have no feelings for you."

Today, she texted me some pictures of our living room...she bought a new carpet and some new pillows and rearranged the furniture. I called her to let her know that it looked very nice and to thank her for doing it. We talked for about 30 min about all kinds of topics (not our R). She also mentioned that she wants to refinish our dining room table.

So our life would appear to be moving forward except she is not committed to our M (and has the OM on the side). Only once has she said she is committed to working on our M (when we talked back in August). Right now, her refusal to stop all contact with the OM is based on the fact that she is not sure she wants to work on the M.

That is where I am confused...if I just chill out, act like I don't are about the OM and her and just go about my life in a very fun and friendly way, that may bring her back into the fold. Or it may not. I think she views the D as me controlling her. I know that is a huge issue for her. My dad is SUPER controlling. Most of my convos this weekend with my W have been discussion about how controlling my dad is. She told me that she sees glimmers of it in me and that is why she wants no part of that future.


Me: 40, W: 40
M: 15, T: 18
D - 10, S - 7
D announcement 6/7/2014
A discovered 7/20/2014 (but denied by W)
Still living together and sharing same bed
Re: Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo [Re: shodan] #2496436
10/12/14 07:01 PM
10/12/14 07:01 PM
Joined: Jul 2014
Posts: 316
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wmwb123 Offline
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wmwb123  Offline
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Posts: 316
Yeah, but not wanting to be in an open marriage is not being controlling. Some ladies at my church said I was being controlling by telling my wife's parents about her affair. I just don't understand that line of reasoning. I'd say the person breaking the wedding vows and doing their own thing is the one who is exerting inappropriate control over things.


M 16 T 17
W moved in w/ AP (OW) 5/14
ILYBNIL 5/14
A discovered 6/14
D papers served via USPS 8/14
Filed my response 9/14
D final 5/15...
Re: Moving towards mediation, need to stop limbo [Re: wmwb123] #2496444
10/12/14 07:29 PM
10/12/14 07:29 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,102
Dallas, TX
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Jefe Offline
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Jefe  Offline
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"I think she views the D as me controlling her."

Shodan, the only thing I have to say here is don't mind read. She either has expressed that specifically or she hasn't. In addition, it would only be controlling if it was used as a bluff or ploy to win her back. If you move towards a D because you are truly done with the whole mess. No controlling here, just a life decision being made.


Me 47 - W 35
M 9 - T 10
2 Daughters - 7 & 9
Discovery of EA- 8/4/14
S - 8/5/15
D mentioned - 9/11/14
R & Piecing - 3/17/15
Regard one another as more important than yourselves.
- Philippians 2:3
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