EA then PA with her ex

[Sotto]

Yes, I think my H was woken up to the fact that there are no easy roads to take at this point. Each road carries some big loss, and it is hard to face that.

I"m just keeping my boundary in place and trying to GAL - but it is hard sometimes. I think I manage to appear detached from him. But I struggle not to remain attached to an outcome (him choosing me.) So I keep working on that.

He still seems to be all over the place, but from what I have heard seems to be more towards OW at the moment. That said, he's really struggling with 'separation related' things we are doing now - trying to re-home a much loved pet etc.

Only you can decide on your boundaries - but the advice all concurs that the worst long term resolution is a 'stable triangle' where S and OP get 'crumbs' from the WS.

So, the fun continues....:-)

[Starsky309]

Starsky - I understand your message. W accepts that she must conclude the A and she seems to want to find her way out of the fog. She has 20+ yr of idealization, 18 mo of EA and 6 mo of PA to unwind/wrap up in her mind. So what I see right now is her struggling to do that, some of which she needs to talk thru with OM.

Bullchit.


You don't "talk thru" the need to go no-contact with someone, by having even more contact with them to discuss it. You end it (strongly preferred), with a letter, the content of which is approved by your husband and the letter is MAILED by your husband. Or, you end it by, you know, just ENDING it.

The whole "I need to wrap things up" thing is a load o' krap, Anaru, and that's what's putting you dangerously close to "cuckold" territory.


Starsky

Don't say I didn't warn you.


How you respond to her continued violation of your core boundaries will determine much of the rest of your life, Anaru. I would suggest to you that THAT is more important than what happens to your marriage (and I say that as someone who is as pro-marriage as anyone . . . I just think your OWN core boundaries of personal integrity trump all, and any good IC would tell you the same thing).

Your wife is testing you, and watching to see how you will respond, and so are (or will) your children.


Starsky

[Starsky309]

I think it would be wise to insist on her being tested for STD. You can't just take her word when it could affect your life. Until you see the results with your own eyes, please be very cautious.

x 5.

[Anaru]

STD test done - was negative
Appt again with IC tomorrow
Am moving to plan D(detach) now scheduling appt with the bank to start separating finances unilaterally, moving my salary & overdraft facility from joint account (which W have has been using with abandon to pay for beautician visits, new clothes, the usual) back to account in my name only
I read somewhere that the WS will only stop their behavior when the perceived cost becomes too high and I guess I have not made it costly enough up to now

[Anaru]

Appreciate the post about the worst case outcome being the stable triangle (someone else calls it being the hypotenuse)

[sandi2]

How about an update?

[Anaru]

Thx - nice to know folks are watching...
MC on Thur encouraged moving on - telling sons true state of play, also MIL. Also to protect finances and also a good idea for me to move upstairs - to let W really start feeling the consequences
Saturday W was away all day with a female friend at a symposium.
I pulled myself together and discussed the situation with oldest son (20) who confirmed he had suspected as much. He feels she is being very selfish and has been lying to- and betraying him (and his brothers) just as much as me. I did notice he has been pushing back on W's drama recently, so it is good to know he has not been blind to what is going on.
Encouraged - I also discussed with S18 and S14.
S18 also had concluded it was an affair - he thinks OM is a slimebag and was definitely not happy that W had him over last Sunday afternoon.
S14 thought I was going to tell him *I* had been having an affair (he is more susceptible to W's kool-aid as he has a slight autism diagnosis)

So a burden shared is a burden halved. I emphasized to the boys that it was still a thing between and me and Mum and it is not for them to call her out on her behaviour.
Trying to decide what to tell MIL - not looking forward to telling her.

Yesterday (Sun) afternoon - W wanted to go out for a walk in the woods - enjoying the late warm weather.
At the start I briefly tried to hold her hand - which she rejected (duh) - I remarked she was not into public displays of affection with me. Her response - we're here (out walking) aren't we?
I studiously avoided talking about the A, kept the subject on her (her favorite topic).
After an hour walking/talking she came with "I know you don't want to hear this but I'm really worried about <OM>" - then reasons why she is worried about him (poor little rich guy, divorced, no real friends, malpractice suit, blah blah blah)
My reply was I always want to hear what she has to say, but not to expect any sympathy from me for his situation. It is of his own making. He screwed up his own marriage and can soon add a second (ours) to his scorecard...

Later in the car I asked what she expected to *do* about her worries - she says she she realizes she cannot help him.
I asked if she had paused to think about the impact of her extramarital activities on our relationship.
Long pause then "I have always been concerned about people who are alone, like <name of friend recently divorced after her husband cheated>"
My reply was "So the answer is no".

Just clear as day that I do not figure in her consciousness.

Later in bed (after busy evening w sons+girlfriends+MIL over for dinner) I relented and asked to cuddle in bed (spoon)
She agreed happily - but - she just lies there like a block no physical response or positive feedback.

Appointment with bank tomorrow (to terminate overdraft on joint account and start process of moving control of income to my a/c
Deciding when I will move upstairs. Probably today or tomorrow

[Anaru]

Updated the MIL yesterday on the true state of things over the last 2 months. I felt bad - telling bad news to someone who does not deserve to hear it - as MIL has done nothing but support me in the marriage (FIL died - dementia - 2.5 yr ago - they both have been a godsend to me on occasions)
It went OK - she feels she has lost her daughter - as W has been avoiding her and generally complaining about MIL to me.
W is pretty much alienating everyone around her with her egotistical behavior

Process started to separate bank accounts.
Not looking forward to angry response from W when I tell her I not her keeper of lies anymore

[Sotto]

It's nice that you have such a supportive MIL. I'm pretty upset with my PIL at the moment. I sent them an email a couple of months after BD. Not really telling them anything, but letting them know how I was doing, and sending best wishes to the family etc.

I didn't hear from either of them for a couple of weeks, and then got curt two-line emails back from each of them. Not horrible emails as such - but barely neutral ones..no warmth

Now, I have always had a really good relationship with them. They are transatlantic to us, and I have kept them in regular touch with what our family were doing etc. They have had many visits to us, and I've made a big effort to welcome them.

I'm not even sure if they know H has had an A. He hasn't told them directly, but 'presumes' they know, as his sisters know....He said it is hard to admit to your parents that you have had an affair.

It's horrible, because their 'cool' reaction hurt me, and I felt as though they feel I am to blame....guess I'll just have to decide what to do with this (if anything) at some point...

[Anaru]

Mine is (was?) an international marriage too - with my parents being on the other side of the planet to where I live - so it made a really big difference that my PIL really supported us/me.

I agree he has probably not told his parents