Let's try this again

[T384]

And wounded yes I definitely did convey to him how thankful the boys and I were.

[woundedfool]

Sandi - I wish I could have give more time than allowing him to move back in.. It will be about 10 weeks when he moves back in. Financially it just wasn't really possible. A lot of our issue preDB were financial related and we both didn't want the finances to be a hardship anymore than they already will be from the debt H has accrued. I am by no means making excuses for him just trying to explain it better. Ideally we would have dated and spent more time figuring things out. Luckily I am still working my second job until December so it puts us crossing paths on my days off and it allows him to run the household when he moves back in on the days I am at work (I leave the house at 5am and usually don't get home until 9pm) so it is good for the boys and me as well for him to manage the household.

I agree you should have had more time before moving back in, not to be totally punitive; but in that spirit: He made his bed, now sleep in it. Plus it give a chance for you to have some "you time". But if the wheels are already in motion to change.... as long as you are comfortable, and still recognize the need to stay on top of old habits.... so be it.

But geez couldn't he have found this out by something less traumatic! What's done is done but it still stings.

No real suggestion here, other then: there is no "harm" is keeping that abated... in fact (and as always IANAL) it probably protects you from his decisions during the separation.

The big thing I struggle with is did H come back because Ow broke up with him? I've asked. He stands by no. But I KNOW she ended it.

Anyway.. None of that really matters because it is the past but wondering why he came back still gets to me. Is he being honest? the sad part is I don't know that I'll ever truly know.

You kind of said it... none of it really matters. Would you feel better if he left because of a pregnancy scare? an accident? financial reasons? drug or alcohol problem? legal problem? Hell, I think I even specifically said something like "19girl is a typical teenager... she will dump him once the novelty wears off, or wakes up and realizes: holy crap, I am dating a 40 year old". So you might need to put her on your Christmas card list for the gift she gave you.

Whatever the reason, it was serendipitous... don't look a gifthorse in the mouth.

[T384]

I am comfortable with him coming back as long as the changes are still happening and bad habits aren't resurfacing. You know MC is actually what even let me be open with the idea of letting H come home. I really hadn't planned on it based on what everyone was advising me here and my fear.

I hope I am not making a mistake. I trust the MC and my gut says go with it. But I def think I would have liked more courting, dating, pursuing. Oh well again. It's done. We have been having weekly date nights at H's initiation and planning (for the most part).

And the only reason why I brought up who ended it is because I want an H that is back bc he wanted to me because we were his first choice. Not bc he got dumped and was lonely.

[woundedfool]

And the only reason why I brought up who ended it is because I want an H that is back bc he wanted to me because we were his first choice. Not bc he got dumped and was lonely.

Oh... don't misunderstand me. I would not want to be a plan "B" either.

I have no real thoughts or advice here, other then:

I think you want to hear: "yea, she dumped me, and I realized I couldn't do better"

when it might be: "she dumped me, and I no longer had her as a distraction, I really took a moment to see what I was doing, and thought: you dumb SOB, you had everything a man could want and walked away... you better get your a$$ in gear and work to get 2B back!".

[T384]

So just a question ... H had been consistently texting/calling everyday to wish me a good day and tell me he loved me. I have not reached out first but would always reply thank you hope you do too. The last few days he hasn't initiated and neither have I. I'm unsure of how to look at this. Is he putting less effort and getting comfortable because moving home is on the table? Do I bring it up? Do I start initiating? Sorry for all the questions. It just makes me a bit uncomfortable that this has ceased. The C said H should be doing all the work which is why I thank him but never iniate the texts.


Any thoughts are appreciated

[woundedfool]

Experiment & monitor.

Maybe fire a text with a ... hey were was my good morning text?

see if it keeps up?

But that being said.... I am a little thrown off by the C's line (or at least how you absorbed it):

The C said H should be doing all the work

While I would agree he needs to put in a lot of work.... I don't think that means you only need to be a spectator.

[JCred]

s he putting less effort and getting comfortable because moving home is on the table? Do I bring it up? Do I start initiating? Sorry for all the questions. It just makes me a bit uncomfortable that this has ceased. The C said H should be doing all the work which is why I thank him but never iniate the texts.

Yep.. He's getting comfortable.
No don't bring it up.

[T384]

He meant H needs to be doing the work of pursuing. We both need to be doing the work of repairing our marriage but H needs to be doing the work of setting up dates and pursuing me.

I feel he's getting comfortable and really don't know how to contend it.

[woundedfool]

I feel he's getting comfortable and really don't know how to contend it.

Like I said... experiment and monitor, stop going down a cheese-less tunnel.

[woundedfool]

Well, anything new?