still waiting

[jim0987]

That's a good sentiment maybell. Its the sort of thing cadet should add to the welcome message

[B-V2]

True! Thank you for those insights, raliced. I do need to think about the situation more objectively (and less emotionally). I saw that same percentage about separated couples getting divorced, and also found it depressing. I am doing EVERYTHING I possibly can to help get us in the 30%. I'm am DBing my butt off. All of my interactions with H since I started DBing (two weeks after BD) have been almost exactly what is recommended. Right now I am failing in my detachment, obviously, since I'm so emotional right now. But I'm not sharing these emotions with H, and am continuing with him "as if."

But I know it might all be for naught. And it drives me crazy that I can't just tell him exactly how I'm feeling, and how daughter is feeling. Because I know if would drive him further away. There is no honesty in the relationship. He won't be honest with me, and I can't be honest with him right now (because he doesn't want to hear it, and I'm not supposed to talk about R). So I just smile and act like life is grand when I feel like I'm dying inside, and I just don't know how long I can keep that up, truly. But I'm trying.

Ahoy: for sure many here, myself included, can so fully relate with exactly this. Keep going and keep posting, you have great support here.

Also, thanks rd for the kind words. I know this journey is supposed to be about me -- even more than about restoring the M. Must. Remember. That.

^^^^ this. And how are you doing at the moment?

[rd500]

Hi Ahoy sorry your feeling so down get a hug from your D. And know that we all feel your pain. So sorry your down Tomorrow's another day

[Ahoy]

Had lunch with a friend who works with my H. She said he mentioned that he enjoys spending time with me as a family. I don't know what else he said because I didn't want to put friend in an awkward position and ask. I figured she would volunteer information that was relevant. She is friends with both of us, but doesn't agree with the way he is going about things.

I'm having a lot of anxiety about the health insurance sign up, even though I know that it will be fine -- it's just another hurdle and will help me get my independence.

Having trouble not fixating -- waking up and thinking about him and the whole situation. I know there's no point, but my brain really wants to "fix" this problem. I'm visualizing a stop sign, following all the advice I've been given. I can't will myself to detach though. I think I can try, but realistically I think detachment comes with time as much as with practice.

[Ahoy]

I need talking off a ledge here. I am having a hard time with limbo this week.

Here is what I would love to write to my H:
Although I enjoy spending time with you and as a family, that is not something I'm interested in doing right now if there is no possibility of us working on our relationship. I will always be friendly toward you -- that is in our best interest, as well as in our daughter's best interest. However, if you are truly done, then I need some time and space to myself. If you don't know yet, that is fine -- but if you do know and are just afraid to tell me, I would rather that you just told me.

But I know this would not be wise, right? Because I'm supposed to enjoy the gift of time so that his feelings can evolve, right? Argh. I hate limbo!

[South74]

I need talking off a ledge here. I am having a hard time with limbo this week.

Here is what I would love to write to my H:
Although I enjoy spending time with you and as a family, that is not something I'm interested in doing right now if there is no possibility of us working on our relationship. I will always be friendly toward you -- that is in our best interest, as well as in our daughter's best interest. However, if you are truly done, then I need some time and space to myself. If you don't know yet, that is fine -- but if you do know and are just afraid to tell me, I would rather that you just told me.

But I know this would not be wise, right? Because I'm supposed to enjoy the gift of time so that his feelings can evolve, right? Argh. I hate limbo!

Must be the day for thinking too much about limbo land .

I'm in a similar dilemma want to contact W to find out what she wants but know this is not the correct thing to do as it's been only 3 weeks since she left for the second time .

Wish we all had crystal balls and time machines .

And I'm resisting contact or putting any pressure because like you say it's not wise .

Have re read sandis rules and also an article on detachment if only to take my mind from thinking to much about W.

[Ahoy]

You're right, of course. I know, intellectually, that initiating an R talk is not the right thing to do. Some days limbo is harder than others. . .

[Zues126]

Right. No letter for all those reasons and more. When you temperature check you force them to give you the most conservative answer (they feel conflicted but won't tell you that). And pressure or threats are just controlling behavior.

Look at it as the ultimate 180 to focus on his needs. He needs space, time, and patience from you right now. You want clarity, comfort, commitment. If you can't put his needs first now how are you going to stay M even if you got together?

Finally, remember to act with the character you wish he had. You can't expect more from him than you will put in. So stay patient, be the best Ahoy you can be, and showcase the strength you wish he had.

[Ahoy]

Thank you for those words of wisdom, Zeus. I hadn't thought about it in terms of a 180, but that is a good way of seeing it. I need to be strong. I know I'm showing him my strength, but when I'm on my own I'm a mess emotionally so I feel like a phoney. My needs (for clarity, comfort, commitment) are not being met, as you say. I need to find a way to meet my own needs. Find clarity and comfort in myself somehow. But I ache. It is hard. I am tired. I miss the love and intimacy. I know, intellectually, that there is no point in lamenting and feeling self-pity. I am trying to rise above these feelings. It is a struggle.

[Maybell]

I do think you have the right to take the time and space you need to heal, though. If you don't give yourself that gift then any reconciliation that begins will fail under the weight of *your* pain and anger as much as his.

You have a couple of options: just decline the next invitation or two and see what that does for you, or say outright, "I appreciate your invitations but I find myself struggling after spending time with you so I'm going to step back for a time to take care of myself." Or something along those lines.

You know not to do any temperature checking or R talks. you're just upset and impatient. Your separation is fairly new and getting all that time with him is confusing. It is a lot easier if you can back away for a while and normalize things. Take it from the Meltdown Queen.

You've been really, really strong up to now, and I am very sure that this ledge you're on is just a step up to the next stage in your healing. Do something loving for yourself today. I know for me something that helps is looking at the strangers around me and realizing one of them could be one of the anonymous friends I've made here who have been so generous in cheering me on. Remember that for yourself, because it is true.