He asked to meet for lunch and I agreed. I sensed that he wanted something but I wasn't sure if I was only imagining it.
We met and started out with a lot of awkward silence. After a while we started chatting more and he casually asked me "So, are you dating?" I said "Uh, do you really want to know? Do you really want to talk about that?" to which he said that he thought it was just fine to discuss it.
He seemed relaxed about it and ready to hear the details of my exciting dating life. I said nothing. Things got icy. Then we moved on and chatted about other things.
Later he started again by saying that we spent so many years together and were so close and it is strange not to communicate more about what is going on with us, our feelings and our daily lives. My first response was "that's what you get since you decided to split up", but realized I should listen and validate instead of being defensive. He asked if I was angry, sad or happy about our situation... I threw the question back at him and he never really answered either.
It seemed like he was saying that he missed our friendship and wanted to talk more often or spend more time together. And he felt that talking about dating others was a part of being friends...?
If I take what he said at face value it seems like he is asking to be best friends. But it also seemed like he was temperature taking as he REALLY wanted to know if I am dating. Finally I sort of said I was. However he did not seem jealous or uncomfortable at all (although he has a history of hiding any sign of jealousy). I said "I know YOU are dating" and he rolled his eyes a little as if to say it isn't going so well. I asked if he wanted to talk about his dating but he didn't offer any information. I couldn't really figure out what he wanted.
As we were leaving I told him that if he ever wanted to talk about something that was OK, and I would listen. Then he gave me a big hug.
I can't tell if he misses me as a friend, is using friendship as a way to get close or what... I'm mystified and cautious, and maintaining my boundaries. I don't think I am interested in being his buddy yet, at the same time I am really not sure if I'd want to get back together anyway. I figure my best bet is to let him lead the way and just see what happens next. With my boundaries firmly set of course.
My sense is that he misses me and is not sure what he wants. I think he is saying that friendship is his goal as a reason to spend time with me and talk to me. Maybe that is what he is telling himself, maybe that is how he truly feels, or maybe he is straight out lying to me. I don't know.
We vaguely agreed to have dinner soon, but I'll be out of town for 3 weeks so that probably won't happen for a while.
Someone who wants to be "just friends" with an ex, does not introduce the topic of dating that early in a conversation, this early in a separation. Yes he was temperature taking.
He might be starting to come around. My advice, keep your heart and eyes open. No telling where this all will go, but if you shut down now, it'll never have a chance. If he does turn around, you still get to decide for yourself. You began this journey, decide when you're at a fork in the road, don't put it in the ditch now.
My random thoughts. Hope they prove somewhere useful.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Hi Joe! Thanks for the random thoughts. haha How are you?
Thanks also Raliced and Elsa for checking in!
I've thought a bit more about our meeting and what he was trying to communicate. I'm really not sure if he is simply saying he misses my friendship or if it is something more complicated than that.
It's really hard to read him because he is very "in control" and has always been. He doesn't show a lot of emotion. With most people I could feel the intention behind the words but with him I really have to observe his behavior over time. That is classic DB advice anyway, to not listen to what he says but instead observe his actions.
If I think about it from a normal person's point of view it would indeed seem very strange that he wants to talk about my dating life. But the WAH crazy mind... who knows!? His behavior has been very illogical so it is possible that he truly is interested in my dating life and wants to discuss it. On our first meeting a month after BD he spoke about the situation with OW (in a vague way like he was talking about something he read in a magazine), and I didn't realize he was complaining about his problems with her...to me! WTF. While at the same time denying that there was anything going on between them..?
Even if he is missing me and wanting to get closer, I'm not sure either of us is really ready for that. Baby steps are the best plan. Luckily I'll be out of town for a few weeks so that will force us to stay apart. I didn't tell him I was going away so he may be surprised or annoyed when he finds out. We'll see.
Hope all of you are doing well! Hugs, Lisa
Me: 34 H: 30 M: 4 years BD: 6/15/14 He moved out 6/30/14 OW1: EA then PA after BD Now he's dating multiple OWs I'm over it and moving on.
Wow Lisa, you handled that so well! I am taking notes! My H gave the same "I miss our friendship" thing, and now I'm getting random invitations to do things with him and D14 as a family. It's hard not knowing what is motivating these invitations -- just wanting to be friends, or missing me as his H -- but I'm staying open to them. Like you, I'm not sure I want my H back, but I'm willing to stay open and see how this develops. Kudos to you! You sound strong and good.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Hi Ahoy, thanks for the compliments on how I am handling things. I don't really think I am doing that great but I'm happy that you can glean something for your own situation from it!
Long ramble... WAH asked me to dinner yesterday and things were even stranger than last time. We ended up getting into a quite intense conversation.
We discussed the issue of him asking about my dating. Basically he explained that our relationship was now different and he wanted to understand where I was so that he could accept that we would both move on to separate lives. He said that he didn't want to be blindsided when he found out I had a boyfriend or something. He revealed that he is dating (as I knew), but nothing serious. But he has a "friend" who he sees several nights a week (not the OW). From what little he said it seems he is using her to keep from being lonely, and he claims that she is aware of his lack of feelings and commitment... what a winner she must be!
He said he was sorry that things had gone the way they had and wished they could be different, but when I questioned him he only expressed remorse that I felt hurt or angry, and not that he had made a mistake or wanted to reunite. We then got into a heated discussion about how he has treated me and I complained that I felt he was very disrespectful surrounding BD. I wish I had been able to say this in a calm way but I ended up getting a bit emotional and ranting about OW. Then he shut down and stopped talking, which is what happened last time we got in a discussion like this.
He admitted that he has been very unhappy since we split up. That should have been music to my ears! But he explained that he expected it to be like this because it just takes time to get over a relationship...and that it was mostly due to the fact that he doesn't like to be alone and feels that lack of companionship. So he wasn't exactly saying he missed me.
All in all the conversation made me feel very down afterward. It sounded like he wants to have everything other than the romantic part of our relationship. He wants to hang out with our mutual friends, to talk all the time, to support and care for one another but not be involved in a relationship. He did not come out and say this exactly, it is just what I got from the conversation. Cake eating.
He definitely misses me like crazy and loves me as a person. But I don't notice any flirting or sexual tension and the lack of passion or spark will hold him back. That was one of his main complaints at BD.
I'm very uncertain about what to do next. I don't know how to encourage sparks. My GAL and 180s have definitely attracted his interest and attention, and he repeatedly told me how much he respects and admires me. This is a dramatic change from his opinion of me 3 months ago at BD. If the goal of DB is to regain his interest and admiration, it has been very successful.
However, a marriage is not built on friendship alone, we need that flirty spark.
I am not sure what to do next IF I do want to try to repair our marriage. (he needs to work on himself a lot) At this point I don't want to encourage cake eating and provide him with my friendship if that is truly all he wants. On the other hand, maybe starting off with friendship would allow us to repair a little of the pain so we can get close again.
I know passion is inspired by longing and distance, not by familiarity. Distance between us is definitely sparking his emotional interest, but I'm not sure about his passion. And that is what I need to spark.
I'd love advice from you all on this. What do I do? Should I be friendlier? Should I be flirty? Should I be distant? keep doing what I am doing? Do something new?
This thread might lock soon and if so I'll start a new chapter ...sigh.
I wish I had the answer but i'm in a similar situation...
the friend zone
my H has no idea that I do not intend to share holidays and hang with his parents if we are divorced. Or to sit and shoot the chit about what's going on in my life. Nope. I do not intend to be his buddy.
So, if you don't mind, I'll sit by and grab a bag of popcorn and my notebook so I can take notes on what people respond to you.
DB definitely works... but reigniting the passion and the sex appeal... that's a harder thing to write an instruction book on, I guess.
Here is what strikes me about this conversation. You say he wants every other part of the relationship other than the romantic aspects - but frankly that does not jive with someone who doesn't want to be "blindsided" when he finds out you are dating. "Blindsided" seems like a strong term for him to use. He sounds like someone who does not know himself well enough right now to know what he wants.
Which leaves you to ponder how long you will wait for him to become self aware (and who will he end up being). Its a variation of so many stories on here, which is why all the emphasis on what you can actually control. I would keep on doing what you are doing.
If he's so content to live with the relationship completely sans romance of any kind, why is he concerned about you dating? And, you clearly had to become ok with him dating, even though he's clearly unhappy, why is that something he is afraid of being "blindsided" by?
Without going way into mindreading here, I think it's relatively safe to say that he does want to want you romantically. It's a sign of someone very lost and confused and thinks he can control his desires. Maybe he can. Maybe my husband can, too.
How are you?