Well Jefe, let me chime in here a bit. It's only been under 2 months since she left. You're really in the beginning stages here. Here's my two cents:
Don't worry about what your W is doing. You cannot control her. Don't even try. You can barely control yourself, and that's really the only control you have. So take control of yourself.
Figure out a plan for self improvement. If the 12 step program is something you think may help, don't hesitate.
Focus on your girls. Be the best father you can be. Give them love and lots of your time.
Focus on your business, work smarter, not harder. Make more money in less time and spend the extra time GAL and with your girls.
You could tell your girls that "mommy is needing some time out and that doesn't mean she loves you any less. She just needs some time alone and she's spending it with her mommy right now" or something like that. Don't demonize her to your kids.
Become the husband only a fool would leave. How do you do that? Take a hard look at what your role was in the degradation of your M. That may take some time. It took me almost 4 months to figure it out.
Take Sandi's rules and edit them to put them in the first person and replace W with her name, so that when you read it it is directly focused on you. I found that really helped me.
Your W will spew all sorts of garbage. You'll need a thick spew jacket when she does so you don't bark back at her. For that you'll need detachment. That's a task in itself.
I know the pain in the first couple of months is unbearable. It will get better. Here's something to say to yourself: "The pain will go away. I deserved to be loved. I will be ok."
Strap yourself in. It's a real rollercoaster ride. You'll have good days and bad days. I would recommend reading DR. More suited to your sitch. Have patience. You'll need lots of that. But you're doing the honorable thing - trying to save your marriage. It's just not going to happen in a month. For me it's been almost 10 months and I've only gone from a 1 to maybe a 4 or 5. Still a long way to go.
Keep your chin up. Smile and whistle a happy tune. And be strong for you kids. They're looking at you right now to help them through this. Have some fun with them.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
You could tell your girls that "mommy is needing some time out and that doesn't mean she loves you any less. She just needs some time alone and she's spending it with her mommy right now" or something like that. Don't demonize her to your kids.
Absolutely not. I love her and try to protect her honor wherever possible. This is one area where we are doing right. We only build each other up in their eyes.
Quote:
Become the husband only a fool would leave. How do you do that? Take a hard look at what your role was in the degradation of your M. That may take some time. It took me almost 4 months to figure it out.
I've got a laundry list of my own crap started and adding to it every day. I can clearly see where I've been a total a$$.
Quote:
Take Sandi's rules and edit them to put them in the first person and replace W with her name, so that when you read it it is directly focused on you. I found that really helped me.
That's a stupendous idea! Doing that next.
Quote:
I know the pain in the first couple of months is unbearable. It will get better. Here's something to say to yourself: "The pain will go away. I deserved to be loved. I will be ok."
Strap yourself in. It's a real rollercoaster ride. You'll have good days and bad days. I would recommend reading DR. More suited to your sitch. Have patience. You'll need lots of that. But you're doing the honorable thing - trying to save your marriage. It's just not going to happen in a month. For me it's been almost 10 months and I've only gone from a 1 to maybe a 4 or 5. Still a long way to go.
Keep your chin up. Smile and whistle a happy tune. And be strong for you kids. They're looking at you right now to help them through this. Have some fun with them.
Thank you Peter. I am so glad I found this place.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Your W will spew all sorts of garbage. You'll need a thick spew jacket when she does so you don't bark back at her. For that you'll need detachment. That's a task in itself.
BTW, Peter, This is the biggest laugh I've gotten in weeks. Except maybe for Devaste saying:
"I listened to her concerns, reiterated them, and then told her WTF did you expect was going to happen?"
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
The wife came home with the kids today after picking them up from school. She brought dinner for all of us and we actually sat down to eat, prayer and everything. I've been doing a much better job of being detached the last couple of days (she sure has been calling me a lot lately since I don't call or text anymore) anyway, after we got done eating she wanted to take some pictures of the kids and realized she left her phone in the car. So she grabs mine and takes some pics. Then she is trying to send them to herself and is all looking through my phone and stuff. I got a chuckle out of this and asked her to go get her phone and let me see it if we're all into phone digging today. She didn't answer. Too funny. She can dig away because I have absolutely nothing to hide. She's NEVER looked through my phone. I find it humorous that she wants to now. Guess this detachment thing is bugging her.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Jefe, that behavior will increase - her looking for things you are doing wrong, trying to catch you or blame you for bad behavior. This is so she can justify her own actions. That's why you need to be squeaky clean and improving yourself. This is not just to avoid being blamed, but also for your own good, because no matter what the eventual outcome of you journey is, you will be a better person and make someone a great husband, whether it's to your current wife or someone else in the future.
My W did that a lot. She's still doing it. When I go away on business out of town, she comes home and goes through my computer looking for things to pin on me. She's found a couple of things and I've been put down for bad behavior. I'm not perfect by any means, but my aim is true. I just want to rescue our marriage and I think that's a noble pursuit.
M: 59 W: 53 M: 9 yrs T: 14 yrs No kids together but D30(hers), S27, S24, D21(all 3 mine) W moved out 11/18/2013 D-Day 12/14/2013 W moved back home 12/1/2014
...That's why you need to be squeaky clean and improving yourself. | ...I just want to rescue our marriage and I think that's a noble pursuit.
I'm definately sweeping my side of the street. It's not squeaky clean yet, but damn close. I'm no saint, but I am cleaning my life for me and my family.
It is a noble pursuit. God WILL reward the diligent and faithful.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Wife just changed her relationship status on FB from married to me to nothing.
I can't freaking breathe.
I know that I am supposed to detach and not expect anything but that hurt deep.
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
...That's why you need to be squeaky clean and improving yourself. | ...I just want to rescue our marriage and I think that's a noble pursuit.
I'm definately sweeping my side of the street. It's not squeaky clean yet, but damn close. I'm no saint, but I am cleaning my life for me and my family.
It is a noble pursuit. God WILL reward the diligent and faithful.
