So something notable did happen yesterday. H stopped by the house to pick up a change of clothes for D6 (he kept her an extra night) and inadvertently ran into my parents who were there to check on the pooches.
Keep in mind that since the day of the BD, H has pretty much cut himself off. He only responds with one word responses via text to his Mom, (who is very very close to) shut down his Facebook acct, and by his own description "has no friends" (other than OW, I presume). When he picks up D6 from school, he bends over backwards to ensure that he doesn't run into my sister (who is there at the same time to pick up my nephew). Anyway- he always really liked my parents. So I think it was a good thing that they were pleasant to each other. Apparently they all brightly said "Hi!" and then all proceeded to talk to D3, instead of each other. Maybe when he realizes that people aren't going to try to throw rocks at him, he will at least behave with a little more normalcy.
I had my first DB coaching session about a month ago. The goal that we set at that time was at least civil, pleasant communication, and I think we have gotten to that (although it is very limited). Set up my next appt for next week, and I am trying to to think up some goals - maybe getting H to participate in some type of family activity, like coming to D6s soccer games (he hadn't been able to do that before because of his schedule, but now he should be able to). Any other thoughts for short term goals?
Does the DB coach encourage making goals for H -- like him coming to games? This is one of those DB points that I get confused about. Sandi's rules say "don't make dates" and "don't initiate contact" but then also that it's okay to invite them along to things as long as it's clear that there are no expectations. How does one do that?
For me, I've been NC, just responding to him and child-related stuff. As a result, I got asked to dinner Sunday with him and daughter. If it were me, I would be hesitant about setting goals that involve H at this point. I would set goals for myself that may (or may not) affect how H sees me, but they would be goals for my own benefit. But that's just me!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks Ahoy - My DB coach specifically mentioned (at the tail end of my last call) that because my H appears to be depressed, getting out and doing family activities might be beneficial for him. I think in my case because even the necessary communication regarding kids has been so strained we had to at least get that on a more positive footing - but it was approached as me giving him words of affirmation.
Coached D6's soccer game (We won 6-0, thank you very much) Painted another hallway Completed a project of picking out a bunch of the best photos I have of the girls, framed them and put them up in freshly painted hallway. I decided not to inclde photos with H (not because I have a problem with it, but because I think he would not like it right now), and since I didn't include H, I didn't include me, just grandparents and cousins. Continued winterizing house by cleaning out the gutters, which used to be H's job. And can I just say, I don't get what all of the hullabaloo was about - he always presented it as such a major deal, and frankly it seemed kind of easy. Had my parents over for dinner.
Was feeling really good and then got an email from H with his proposed days to have the girls this month. Nothing bad - its just that I still can't get used to the fact that I am discussing visitation with my children. So far from what I ever envisioned...sigh.
Tomorrow will go to church, run, finish painting project (one more hall to go), clean out gutters around garage and figure out what I'm supposed to do with the waterpipes for winter so that I'm prepared when we have the first freeze.
I still can't wrap my head around making visitation arrangements for D. I don't think I'll ever get used to it. It's so unnatural and just a glaring reminder of DIVORCE in all its glory.
I see what you mean about these jobs that H referred to as a hullabaloo. In LA we don't do a lot of winterizing but many of the things H used to do and complain constantly about I now do without thinking twice about. What was all the complaining about?
I'm impressed with your hanging photos and painting. I've been doing my share of decorating. I've been planting indoor plants like crazy. They add life to the house and bring the outdoors in. H, when he left, said that he hated the house and how it felt to him. I think that's always in the back of my mind. Our home was not a place of comfort for him and that hurts. I'm definitely putting my own stamp on it since he's not here but it definitely feels like more of a long-term home (H.aving moved around a ton as a child I'm guilty of not officially moving in for a while. Hanging things on walls, etc., just feels so permanent. I crave permanence but it's hard for me to bring it.).
Anyway, It sounds like you're building a foundation and a place of comfort for yourself.
Honestly, I have struggled to figure out where to do 180s, and therefore I am focusing on things like the house. I'll freely admit to being a bit of a slob, and since I work full time as well, the house got extra chaotic. Plus, H and I never really synced up our cleaning routines. I did asked him if it bothered him several times and he always claimed it didn't, but who knows? I figure having a polished comfortable, clean, uncluttered home is one of the most visible 180s I can do right now and more importantly makes life nicer for both me and my children right now.
It was fun going through all those photos and I have a nice mix of casual shots and studio portraits - I got a zillion cheap Ikea frames so that I can just keep adding. That part did feel good and the girls love looking at pictures of themselves and happily I didn't get zinged with a "Where's Daddy's picture"
Out of nowhere, D3 started chirping "Where's Daddy? I want Daddy!" over and over again. She's on the young side of 3, still a toddler really, so when I explain she'll see him tomorrow, she doesn't completely get it.
I should say that this kind of stuff pre-dates the BD. H's work schedule was always unconventional and changed all the time - so I have lots of experience of answering "Where's Daddy?" and "When are we going to see Daddy?" - but now of course, with the separation, these comments are a lot more poignant and heart wrenching.
He comes to get them ready one day a week, and when D3 wakes up and sees him - she is so overjoyed (Daddy, Daddy, you're here!). About a month ago, I was thinking, "He would have to be made of stone not to be affected by that" and then I realized that is just a version of mind reading. Who knows, maybe his ego is stroked by their excitement, and being Fun Dad one or two days a week is really all he wants. I decided it would drive me crazy to think about, so I stopped doing it. That made things easier - but when I have a morning like this, those thoughts start to creep in a bit, and I have to firmly tell them to stop.
In GAL news, I inherited a large greenhouse from the previous owners of our house, and I've never really done anything with it. Going to look for some extension gardening courses and try to get some ideas for things to do with it in the winter. I would love some projects that the girls can do with me as well.
My S6 has gotten in Ws way as she hustling out the door, asking her why she's always leaving, and once insisted that we do an activity "all five of us together". I too expected that to hit W like a ton of bricks but....no. We had an opportunity to do just that yesterday but she predictably bailed.
How do you answer the increasing g questions about where Daddy is?
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
My situation is a little unique - my H is a deputy sheriff and he has always had weird hours, including graveyard shifts that require him to sleep all day. Really, there hasn't been a huge decrease in his time with the girls. For the time being, we have told the girls that he needs to sleep closer to work (he works abut 45 minutes away). D6 has accepted that. D3 is still too young. It was actually a little surprising to hear that from D3, because she's always been a complete mommy's girl (this actually caused some strain in the marriage because it really hurt H's feelings, and I think he actually blamed me a little).
I'm okay handling the "Where's Daddy" questions (although it hurts my heart). What I'm really dreading is the day D6 notices that we never do anything all together anymore (we didn't do a huge amount before, due to his schedule, but we did do some)and asks about it.
Yeah that is similar to my sitch. W and I work schedules such that we've always kindof traded off parenting duties. She's just kinda flexing that little by little, assuming (mind reading I know) that it's imperceptible to the kids. But it's glaringly obvious. And yep, we used to do things all together (although sadly not enough, this status quo has been developing long before BD) and now that's disappeared.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
