Yesterday, He mentioned that he does not want marriage. I nodded as acknowledgment & acceptance.. Then he restated that he may want marriage. That he just doesn't know.
This ^^^ was the part that jumped out at me. This screams to me, "I may or may not want to marry you, but this is all going to be what *I* want, make no mistake! And I'm preparing you in case I decide EITHER WAY!"
Geesh, talk about trying to have your cake and eat it too!!! MM, don't you see this????
I noticed this ^^^ too. He just baited the hook and MM bit hard.
MM, I will say to you what I told someone in Newcomers today: As long as you are giving off the vibes that you'll be waiting for him he will not see you as someone of value.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
"As long as you are giving off the vibes that you'll be waiting for him he will not see you as someone of value."
From the position I am finally in now... it took almost 2 years to get here... how do you suggest that I give different vibes? please be specific...
He says he has a 1.5-2yr plan of how he can get to an end result with me... this includes me. He wants to spend time together (share accommodations) while he gets his house ready for sale. Meanwhile, spend time back and forth between 2 houses.
#1... I need to be independent (get my own house) #2...
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
You keep pressuring him about everything--spend time with you, talk about a future with you, buy a house with you. He knows that you do everything in response to what he says or does. He knows that you want nothing more than to have him back.
You don't put you first so why should he?
Move forward with your life on your own terms. Make your own decisions. Be your own person. Start with reading "Codependent No More."
Quote:
He says he has a 1.5-2yr plan of how he can get to an end result with me... this includes me. He wants to spend time together (share accommodations) while he gets his house ready for sale. Meanwhile, spend time back and forth between 2 houses.
That's nice. This is all about him and what he wants. Are you willing to waste another two years of your life waiting on him? What about getting what you want?
If my H had said anything like that to me I would've laughed in his face. I was doing him a favor by giving him a second chance, not the other way around. I knew what I wanted and laid it out there. If he didn't want to meet my requirements then I understood and wished him well. But there was no way in hell I was willing to expect anything less from him. I deserved better.
Last edited by pearlharbr; 10/02/1410:35 PM.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
Wow, MM, how romantic of BF! What a great story to tell the grand kids "Yes, your GF said to me that he had a 2 year plan in place to get where he was in a position to "want" me in his life and well, if I didn't like it that was unfair pressure...., in fact he basically told me that if I wasn't willing to wait and not expect a single thing from him in that time I was free get lost. Yes, your GF was such a hopeless romantic....".
Are you really willing to settle for that, MM? You know how you give off an "independent vibe"? By being independent! We've been over this before, MM. Until you really truly can take him or leave him, until you love yourself enough to understand that he's lucky to have you in his life, he won't ever really want you! Why does this guy have such power over you? Answer: Because you allow him to!
Pearl... Yep.. I keep pressuring & he does know that I want him back. Although during our discussion tonight I did say "I don't know" several times to him about it.
You are right... I don't know how to put myself first. Its not even a thought that comes to mind. Its not natural to think of "self first". As a mom, you naturally put others first.
I have read co-dependent... guess its time to re-read.
What I want?... hmm, I want to be a family again and be IN our own home. That quoted statement you repasted IS about him and how he feels stuck & the only way he can see himself out of his position. He is suggesting that we still be a family & do family things while living between 2 houses (and that could change within X months of "trying this" and he may want more or I may lose interest...who knows)... What else am I to do? PUSH for more? or walk? if I walk, I am in a same position with someone else anyway... waiting for the right time in that rel'p to move in together (approx 2 years).
Yes, I need to understand that I am doing him a favour by being available to consider our relationship again... I think the way to believe this and be believable... is by doing things on my terms. <<<< I need to think about what my terms are.
Matt, I am currently looking at houses. This will be my first real step towards independence. Yes, I have been allowing/enabling him. He has such a cocky quick/sarcastic/funny attitude that challenges me and my self-worth. I need sharper/witty tools to be able to banter back. He has such a confident attitude about things/us. I guess THIS makes me weaker. I wish I could think of how he does this, so that you could guide me with sharp wit back. I guess my best defence would be to give "I dunno's" & "maybe's" back, like he gives me... and not be eager (I have been more casual lately, however)
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Tonight, he made the time to discuss my living circumstances. He reassured me that he does want the end result to be LTCR, living together again... meanwhile, its only been a few weeks of our re-connection & wants to continue to see how it goes. If I buy a house, he would like to spend time together between two houses, until he is able to relieve himself of his responsibilities of his house. That house requires ALOT of cleaning up & preparing for re-sale. He did say that he wants to move out.
I'm not good at recalling the way he says things so that I can repeat it here verbatim.. so, what I write may come across poorly and not in his favour at times.
I confronted him tonight based on the earlier statement of why he wants to give our rel'p another chance... that I don't accept being "plan b"... he doesn't see it that way and said its because of our history. Our 20 years means something to him.
He also brought up that he does not want procrastinate about finishing our deal... its just that we get so busy with our clients (true) ... he was prepared to sit & discuss it tonight, but I was not in the right mood.
We ended on a light note & he came to hug me goodnight.
He is clearly not ready... I am not going to push that.... or by being demanding.
My head is full of the different approaches to handle this, as well as the decisions I need to make about being independent. I will ponder more the thoughts of above & make my own decision of what I am willing to do to get what I want/need.
Last edited by makingmagic; 10/03/1404:30 AM.
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
Are you really willing to settle for that, MM? You know how you give off an "independent vibe"? By being independent! We've been over this before, MM. Until you really truly can take him or leave him, until you love yourself enough to understand that he's lucky to have you in his life, he won't ever really want you! Why does this guy have such power over you? Answer: Because you allow him to!
Apparently many people have given you the same advice, repeatedly, and you make excuses as to why you don't take this advice, repeatedly. I could write a lengthy response to your post but honestly, it makes me want to bang my head against a wall. I don't need the additional frustration.
It really comes down to one simple thing: all this nonsense stops when you say it stops.
I was a mess when I discovered BF's A. I tried to nice him back and all the standard mistake for a few months. Then I realized that I deserved better. I packed him a bag, took his house key, and told him to get out. If he wasn't willing to give up OW then he needed to leave, I would not tolerate that disrespect. When he came back sniffing around a month later I told him no. I would not be his OW and why would I settle for a cheater? He kept asking for another chance. I made a list of requirements to even consider it, and there was no guarantee. After he met these and I finally decided to give him a chance because of the years we had spent together I did not spend more than one evening a week with him at first because he didn't deserve any more of my time, he had to earn that. I did not let him move back in until I was ready, he had to prove to me that he was working on himself to be a safe partner. Frankly, my new life was looking pretty good without him so he had to work hard to convince me otherwise.
That is what works.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
He is giving u false hope. He is giving u just enough to try and shut u up but at the same time wording this so u can't come back and say......but u said blah blah blah. He doesn't want to be alone lone so he keeps u on a string until something better comes along or he eventually does move to tinbuck two.
If u won't listen to these people please listen to what I'm saying,,,,,I lived this for three yrs, believing all his excuses, right down to the promise of US being together forever,,,,,Word For Word!!!! You are in for a long disappointing ride,,,,,,,that ends badly for u. Get out while u can. If he wants you, he will find u and if he loves u, he will put u first for once. Scared to be alone?....so was I. Guess what....I got over it and I am getting ready in a few mths to graduate nursing school at 48. Take charge of ur life and Listen for once to these people.
