Thanks Starsky and wmwb- I know enough from reading these boards to not get my hopes up- she apparently didn't end the A by choice, and there's just as much chance she will go 1) reconcile with OM1, 2) find OM2 or 3) work on the M.
I know I really need to be careful here- appreciate any and all guidance.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
Well, W is now in bed reading after a "normal" evening of dinner, homework, etc. No mention of any "situation" by her and I sure as heck didn't even so much give her a look that suggested anything was different or that I wanted/was expecting to talk.
So, back to the ruse, it seems- I doubt W would have said anything if OM hadn't called me. With me gone on business all week, its unlikely to come up by phone, either.
Tomorrow I'll txt her about arrangements for the D mediator and we'll go from there.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
I, for one, applaud you. So many men in your shoes hear what your W told you and assume she means she's back in the M. But that is not necessarily so......and I believe you are staying pretty calm about it, so far.
To be blunt, she was basically telling you that her first option (or plan A) fell through and now she will have to go to plan B. Does that mean "you" are plan B or a divorce is plan B........or find another man.
I guess I am cold hearted, but I would have found it hard to show any empathy toward her and probably would not have validated, but you handled it well. When she tells you this type of information (or update in her drama) and leave it with open ends.......a out all I would know to say is, "I see". Continue using your poker face and voice. I mean, what was she expecting from you, when she called?
I loved the way you talked to OM! It was perfect! (Have you been mentored by Starsky, b/c it sure sounded like something he would have said.).
I don't have to tell you that this is a very critical time. The way you deal within the next several days could turn things one way or the other. I don't think I would ask her any questions about what she plans to do now. Certainly no talk about her & OM (until something is mentioned about reconciliation). I think you are correct in acting as if nothing has changed for you, and proceed about checking with her about an appointment with mediator.
Her fantasy castle was shattered yesterday for plans with OM. Doesn't mean it's over for them, but she's angry at him. While she is good and mad at him for not leaving his GF, I think is a perfect time for her to see you will not settle for left-overs. How far you want to go with it is up to you. But my point is that any chance of becoming a serial cheater or rekindling her A with this OM needs to come to a screeching halt, and the best time for that to happen is now. She will be watching to see what you are going to do.
If the A ends, She will still have to go through the withdrawal, etc., but one day at a time, right now.
I hope Starsky will come back and shed some light on this, b/c I think he had to go as far as to file for D in his stitch-- before the M was saved. I do not have personal experience with mediators, divorce lawyers, etc. I have read from others that they have gone right up to the court date and then the WAW would back down, however, there are never any guarantees and it can't be used as a bluff (in case it sounds as if I am suggesting you call her bluff). I just believe this time frame you are in at this time is critical.......whatever you decide to do.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks, Sandi- you nailed it- Starsky is the one who changed me from the desperate clinging H who walked in here a month ago to the new improved version here today.
To answer your previous question, no ML since A was discovered as EA in the end of May- we did some handholding and innocent smooching while doing MC through the summer, but once I discovered at the start of Sept. that the A never ended there has been no affection at all- I completely withdrew on that front. W is just fine with the no ML part (historic issues there we will have to work through if we ever R) but the lack of any affection has bothered her- as all her comments about "not moving closer together" (um, hello!) evidenced.
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I don't have to tell you that this is a very critical time. The way you deal within the next several days could turn things one way or the other....I think you are correct in acting as if nothing has changed for you
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Don't try to be her buddy or BFF.
OK, critical times and I need to make sure I get this right- I'm concerned that if I maintain 100% lack of affection, set up D mediation and keep contact as dark as I can given kids, the message she will hear is that there is no chance for the M. She has no real close friends to turn to and I'm worried lack of caring/support from me will just drive her back to OM.
Remember being a hardass and not creating calm, supportive home environment were some of my historic shortcomings- also W is such a strong willed, prideful person I can almost see her letting the M go to the grave b/c she's too headstrong to be the one to reach out.
I realize my being strong forced the situation with the OM so I need to stay the course with what has worked so far, its just that the stakes are so so high. I realize all I would be doing would be restating my willingness to work on the M- which would be read as weak by her, but boy is this tough to just sit back and watch.
Txt from W this morning asking me about flight times started with "hi Hun" and bantered about nothing- critical time for our M yet I feel like we are still in the twilight zone.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
I should also add that when W called yesterday to say "I told OM it was 100% over" she quickly backtracked and added "there was clearly still some talking going on"- so she isn't admitting the A continued in any way shape or form, but is still trying to keep up the facade of it just being a "close friendship." Not sure how much that matters but wanted to get that clarification out there.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
Alright, I'm putting this one to a vote- W just txted me with some banter about my trip and ended it with "looking forward to a nice weekend together"
So is this fantasy land, or have I now been identified as plan B?
I responded with "thanks (to the trip part)- see you Friday" but now am second guessing an email about mediation dates- which might be seen as me shutting down any R talk.
So do I stay the course or instead hold off the mediation email and see if she more explicitly raises R? Personally this seems way to soon for R talk as she should still be hurting from OM still, but don't want to blow whatever chance Imay have here. My gut says gently raise mediation in a day or two- will think about this during my 8 hour flight.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
STAY THE COURSE, Bart. It's working, and DB's main mantra is "Do What Works!"
The key is in your TONE, your DEMEANOR. Don't BE a "hardass" if that's what you were before. You want to go for a "gosh, this hurts me more than it hurts you, but I need to protect myself here . . . I wish this was going differently, I really do" sort of a feel (not those WORDS, but a FEEL). Does that make sense?
When my wife went into her "St. Sally" routine (not her real name) and tried to push her A underground, I used a lot of "Gee, I wish I could believe that right now, I really do"s with her. I wasn't a d*kk about it, but I made it clear that her lying had made me need to protect my heart, and our family, and that I just didn't believe her right now.
OK, critical times and I need to make sure I get this right- I'm concerned that if I maintain 100% lack of affection, set up D mediation and keep contact as dark as I can given kids, the message she will hear is that there is no chance for the M. She has no real close friends to turn to and I'm worried lack of caring/support from me will just drive her back to OM.
This is no doubt the #1 thing that betrayed spouses -- especially betrayed HUSBANDS -- articulate here, in my experience. "Won't this just push her away more?"
Look, first of all . . . do you REALLY doubt your wife knows how you feel about her? That you still love her? Really? How many times have you articulated your position during your sitch? And if she ever DOES really, REALLY need to know, don't you think she will ask you?
You WANT to give her a feeling of "Oh crap -- I've gone too far! I'm losing Bart!!"), that's the whole idea!
Secondly, you have to come to grips with the understanding that driving your wayward spouse and their OP together is actually the 2nd best outcome you can have. Obviously, the 1st-best outcome is that she end her affair, and you two reconcile and work on your marriage together. But the WORST of the three possible outcomes is that she continue to string you along in what is essentially an open marriage, with you as her fallback "Plan B" in case things with her OM don't work out. Everything we've encouraged you to do here is to remove THAT as ANY option that in any way works for you, and continue to make changes in yourself that make her give Option 1 (end her affair, and come back to YOU) the best possible chance. But you cannot do that unless you're fully ready and willing to have Option #2 happen, at least in the short-term. Otherwise, you'll be paralyzed by fear (of losing her), she'll smell that a mile away, and she'll continue to string you along.
Trust me, #2 is NOT the worst option (#3 -- the dreaded LIMBO is!!!) Affairs often implode on their own once the mystery and intrigue have been removed, and both affair partners have to deal with each other on a daily, real-life basis.
