H's MLC #4

[job]

Yep, we had the ring discussion not so long ago. If you want to wear your ring, wear it. If you don't, then don't. However, don't leave any kind of note about it. You've had your say about the ring, so leave it alone for a while.

Also, he's pretty much stated his thoughts on affection towards you, i.e., by not kissing you in public. Sex is just that...sex. If I'm reading correctly, he doesn't have any real emotional connection to you in loving and responsive way...am I correct on that? Mlcers can't bond w/us on that emotional level and to them sex is just a way to get some relief/satisfaction at the moment. My question to you is this....do you sense any real connection from him when you are having sex or is it just something he wants to do routinely?

I may be wrong, but your h has a ways to go before he's even half baked.

Keep your expectations low or even at zero.

[2BHappy]

Job
Yesterday I thought there was an emotional connection from H, more so then any other time we had sex since BD.

But I'm so confused with trying to "read" H emotions or responses I could be wrong.

H may not even be 1/2 baked, but I'm not sure I will be here for him once he finishes cooking.

H was home from work when I got home from my parties. I ask him about his friend, and if he planned on going to funeral...just wanted to let H know that I care about how he feels about his friends death.

I know I need to pull back, I think I was testing the waters and not really happy with the responses, but I know I need to NOT expect anything.

[job]

I would detach a little bit more. Just be yourself and try to accept your h as he is today. It takes a lot of energy to "read your h's emotions and responses. Keep in mind, his emotions bounce all over the place, so the response you get right now may be totally different in 10 minutes. Best to leave him to his little adventure in La La Land and you try to keep the focus on you and your family.

BTW, don't be surprised that when you pull back, he'll pursue and rope you back in, be it w/comments and/or actions or sex.

[2BHappy]

Job
That is very tricky, I have already noticed when I pull back, he will respond with sex and or comments or more friendly talking, more smile.

GAL today shows me how much progress I have had with working on myself. I went to brunch with a good friend and her group of friends, I would have normally been very uncomfortable to meet with a group of ladies that I dont know, would have thought of myself of the odd one out, but I had a great time, I was very comfortable in who I was, so had no problem meeting up with a group of ladies I did not know.

H did give me the side eye as i was rushing around this morning to get dressed to meet the ladies for brunch.

A comment from my Mom thru me off a little, she commented that I'm doing too much without my H, without going into all the details I told her that he is not really interested in going or doing things with me right now, my mom commented that he seems depressed and stuck in a rut to her and that I needed to be patient, but she was proud of me for not just sitting around, and that she hopes my H soon starts to spend more time with me. But she thinks I should make sure to let him know that I would rather be doing more things with him.

[daring]

Good for you 2B, I'm glad you were able to GAL and out of your comfort zone no less!
I've had a couple of those " blow ups" like you describe. They didn't involve rings but still were related to our R and his thought processes and behaviors.
Luckily FY coached me through one of them and that despite my fears, a big truth vomit conversation wouldn't make or break the sitch- and he was right.

I'm sorry to hear about your H's friend- it can be especially hard for the to cope in the midst of MLC and already spinning. Deep down I'm sure he appreciates your offer of support.

[woundedfool]

While I can see you recognize the blowup was not the right way to handle things, this may come off as kicking you when your down. But I am NOT trying to kick:

I want you to change perspective. I want you to look at the past few days from your H's view:

• Had really good ML last light
• I attended S's game
• I even had her listen in my my call when I needed to pull a double, and I even called her during my break that night.
• So, I didn't kiss her.... and she goes all WWIII on me and "throws" her ring at me.
• On top of this, I still need to get a suit for Bob's funeral.

Could you please re-read DB & DR for me. I think you need to get back to some of the fundamentals.

You still need to do some major detaching: The whole point of detachment is so you get off HIS crazy train. Not to start your own.
You also need to focus on those GAL's.

When you are still "attached" and not following through with your GAL's, your mind starts spinning/wandering/thinking (why is he taking a double shift, why didn't he kiss me back, why doesn't he wear his ring). Doing the GAL's and detaching not only keeps us occupied, but also burns energy. Helps us sleep better, keeps us from going nuclear over a kiss (or lack thereof)

[2BHappy]

I can see a lil from his possible view...

Detaching ...I'm tying to detach ....it seems like when I feel detached H seems to reach out to me.

Is detaching harder with the MLC in the house?

I need to focus on pulling back...H was off today I was off and he made a point to watch a movie with me..I wanted to be alone but I watched movie with him.

When S came home we ate dinner and watched another movie.

Hard for me to detach mentally and emotionally but not physically.

rereading but my mind is blocked I feel like I want things to change now!!!

I'm confused

[job]

Your h is playing the "dance". You distance and he becomes nice and reaches out to you. Once you do so, he will then begin distancing from you. The best way to break this cycle is to remain neutral and continue as you have been while distancing.

Detaching is hard and it can be more so w/the mlcer living at home because they are around in some fashion 24/7, but if you can look at him as a roommate you can detach a bit more.

The only changes you can make are to you and what you are doing w/your life. You can't change him, he has to do that himself.

Continue detaching and stay the course.

[2BHappy]

Job
Neutral? Hmmm,,,So when H reaches out, so I stay neutral in my mind and emotions but not in my actions? Like H wanted to watch a movie, should I have declined? Are watch the movie but watch it while in my emotions and mind, I'm watching with my roommate not my H?

H has mentioned several times lately lil comments about my social life, again came up yesterday so I ask him if he wanted to be invited, told H when I did invite you always responded NO or had some excuse. I said do you want me to invite you places or not, H said he might go it depends on where and who else is going. So he wants me to invite him places?

Neutral...do I not invite him? If he ask to spend time with me do I say no?

Like I said this back and forth now has me really confused.

[woundedfool]

I can't speak about detachment while living together. So maybe some others can chime in with better expierence.

But that never stopped me from throwing my $0.02 in the pot:

So he wants me to invite him places?

Sounds like it to me. Although it is conditionally (he wants to know who and where).

If it was me: I would say: "Hey I am meeting Jim, Ed, Sally and Sue at Applebees... You are welcome to come along.

Like I said this back and forth now has me really confused.

The confusion goes away with detachment & GAL's (see my above post), keep working on them. They will not happen by osmosis, you need to put in the WORK.