It is good that you are now taking the time to consider things rather than reacting.
I believe reacting is a learned trait. Being a protector, as ts pointed out, puts you in many situations that lead to reacting. Because it is a learned trait, I also believe we can unlearn it. I am having too and I think you are starting too.
Once you stop reacting then you will be on the road to detaching.
We both also need to stop being the protector. We have to stop trying to carry them. Let them deal with the good, bad, and ugly like everyone else. Don't try to soften the landing. Let them feel reality.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
I too was /am a protector. Slowly over time, I became more and more protective. I thought i was doing the right thing and making my families lives easier. What I was really doing was suffocating them. My W has repeatedly said I made her feel like I was her dad. It is EXTREMELY difficult for me to let go of this.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
No matter what you did this was going to happen. If you were too controlling it would have been that! If you weren't looking out for the well being of the family...then you didn't care enough to take care of her, Yada, Yada, Yada. Whatever you did the reaction from the spouse would have been the opposite.
It's great that you see what your faults/flaws were but the crises was within them and one day down the road the trigger would happen and Bam you get the fallout that was eventually going to happen.
"Give yourselves a break". I know its tough to believe that you had very little to do with where they are at......but it does give you a chance to improve yourself. Please use the time wisely.
I was chatting with Mach about this, and he told me something that really, really, pissed me off (yeah Mach, I was pissed... )..."You do realize, that THAT contributed to her being where she is, right?"
But I'm her H, a man, that is what we are supposed to do!!!...right Matt?
Nothing wrong, or dishonorable in that...
I still hold that value strongly, but Mach 's little truth dart made me dig deeper to SEE why...
Awww....Deuce...That must have been hard for you....
I'm sorry....(((((hugs))))))
: )
Matt, he is right though..
And what I am talking about when I say, it is about HOW we go through this that matters...
It is changing HOW we handle things...
Another way to let this sink in....
Is that we, as Men, are pre-programmed from the factory, to fulfill that role.
And over time, we tend to take over that role, and run with it. Forgetting to actually "ask" if it is okay or not. It comes across as control to another person, not only because of the lack of control that THEY feel, but also due to the lack of input that they have.
What it becomes, is OUR fix, for THEIR problems. And over time, it can become quite damaging...
And it doesn't matter if it is true or not. It is true for them, and their truth feeds their emotions, thoughts, and actions....
Matt and Mach, Early in our MR my wife said " score points, make a decision" She said it 100 times the first 3 years. I took that and ran. Today, she says " you were treating me like you are my father. Always making all the decisions and I never get any input. You took me for granted and never let my needs come first"
Just this week she left the oven on, forgot to lock the doors, missed getting s10 to practice on time, forgot a dr. appointment and left the dog outside all night. (hes an inside dog) and almost missed picking up s10 from practice last night.(I called to remind)
What do I do? As long as her struggles do not affect the boys I let them go. Sooner of later, I am going to have to "drop the rope" Is it fair to her and us to just let it all go all at once? I trained her to depend on me, basically. Can I just step aside and watch since I had a huge role in it?
I am pretty controlling. I admit that. I have let some of it go but it is a struggle every minute of every day. I watched my older brother struggle in life because he was very "reactionary". Life ran him over basically.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Just stole this quote from labug in another topic:
"...Then the ER doctor said, while stitching me up, that he'd read Traveling Mercies years ago, and that it might be a good book for his daughter. I asked nonchalantly if his daughter was going through it. His eyes filled with tears and to his horror, fell down his cheeks. He had to stop. Grace met us right there. It meets you right where it finds you, but it does not leave you where it found you. It moves you toward breath; moves you towards things being a little bit better: wow. Grace WD-40. Grace is water wings. Grace makes you shake your head with wonder, and laugh and cry. I said to the doctor, "This is your lucky day. I just had 28 years clean and sober. I am your daughter's new BFF." Now the daughter is in rehab, but the big story is that the doctor is in a rehab program for the families of alcoholics, who tend to have TINY psychotic control issues. I said to him, "Get off this poor girl's back. Your help is not helpful, except to help keep everyone sick. This is HER hero journey: you don't get to run beside her with juice boxes, Chapstick, and your control freak ways. If your help was helpful, she would not be in jail." This had never occurred to the doctor, that he had a disease of Good Ideas for Other People. I do, too. Now we are in recovery for this disease together. I put him together with one of my close friends,... who is also in recovery for these tiny control issues that make people just as miserable and mentally ill as the addicts and alcoholics we try to fix and save and rescue. "
We never know what lessons other people need in their lives.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Matt and Mach, Early in our MR my wife said " score points, make a decision" She said it 100 times the first 3 years. I took that and ran. Today, she says " you were treating me like you are my father. Always making all the decisions and I never get any input. You took me for granted and never let my needs come first"
Just this week she left the oven on, forgot to lock the doors, missed getting s10 to practice on time, forgot a dr. appointment and left the dog outside all night. (hes an inside dog) and almost missed picking up s10 from practice last night.(I called to remind)
What do I do? As long as her struggles do not affect the boys I let them go. Sooner of later, I am going to have to "drop the rope" Is it fair to her and us to just let it all go all at once? I trained her to depend on me, basically. Can I just step aside and watch since I had a huge role in it?
I am pretty controlling. I admit that. I have let some of it go but it is a struggle every minute of every day. I watched my older brother struggle in life because he was very "reactionary". Life ran him over basically.
Bdub...
Well, that IS a slippery slope isn't it...
First of all, you HAVE to quit keeping score with all the "wrongs" that she has done...
And I know that you are just journaling and expressing what you see...
What I would suggest, is that you stop watching her so closely, and delve into yourself a bit.
Just knowing that you are controlling, a bit, or a truck full...
Control IS control...
And something that you should try and understand about yourself...
In MLC, you are gonna be damned if you do, AND damned if you don't...
The MLCer will twist and turn your words, and make you think that you are ready for the white jacket...
MLC ?
Manipulate Lie Cheat
What works best for YOU ??
WHY does that work best ??
CAN you step aside ???
I have talked to several MLCers who have come through the tunnel...
And the one common them that I have heard, is that the integrity of the LBS, was a driving factor for them to take a second glance once they came through...
Be who you want to be, for you...
You don't see too many Airplanes with training wheels do ya ?
Is it fair for me to just step aside completely? Like I said before, I basically trained her to depend on me. thus far my game plan has been to let go of everything that does not directly effect my boys.
I am not sure I CAN completely step aside yet. I have found that letting go is actually almost liberating. I still want to protect the boys though. One of the uglier thoughts that I have had is that if I let go regarding stuff with the boys, is that they will end up seeing her selfish (her words) actions and maybe feel like they are not a priority. I dont want to see W's relationship with the boys deteriorate.
I get your point about keeping score. Honestly I have not "thrown it in her face" but I have mentally kept score. that changes how I act. I get that.
More than once my WAW has almost had me convinced I am ready for the straight jacket.
I am trying to be the rock, trying to hold it all together. I am trying to to show the boys that they should work through adversity and handle tough situations head on with integrity and honor. Doing that without bashing their mom is proving to be a tough task.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
