Inside My chrysalis 4

[Card29]

I'm thinking the same thing. Even a review of it opened my eyes a little:

There are four ways to connect with a man:touch, activity, sex, routines.

The four things that my W neglected with me when I fell out of love with her 4 years ago (I fell back in love in a big way starting about a year ago, mainly because she started fulfilling those needs). I've read about those in other books since BD (5LL, HNHN, a couple others), but it still sinks in when I hear it put a slightly different way.

I'll probably pick it up. But I just cracked open a new book, based on something someone said here (can't remember the user). Stand Up Comedy by Judy Carter. Time to read something light-hearted for a change

[Ss06]

Ugh! H and D just stopped by to pick up some of her meds for the rest of the weekend.

I had the house looking gorgeous, drinking a glass of wine, music on, etc...

The second I see D, I start to tear up and she RUNS into my arms saying how much she misses me and loves me and hates this separation. Then she asks H if she can spend the night here rather than at his apartment. At first I didn't know how to respond. H just looked hurt and looked at me. I told her that this is what we'd worked out and she needed to go back to dad's place. I told her I would pick her up from school on Monday.

She was so upset. H left the room for a bit and I talked to her heart to heart. She said she really wished she could just sleep in the street away from both of us because then we'd both not have her until we got back together. Whoa.

I had to convince her to go back with him and we agreed to meet for breakfast in the morning. Sheesh. This is hard.

I said that to her. That it was hard on all of us but that we were strong and were handling it the best we could.

She said, "It's not as hard on you two as it is on me and that's not right. This isn't how it's supposed to be! What were you fighting about that you guys decided to separate in the first place? I mean, this is not fair!"

Ugh. My heart fell right out of my chest and directly onto the floor at that moment.

And now I'm eating my feelings with a bag of kettle corn in my lap.

I hate this because she hates it.

[Card29]

So, so sorry Ss. I only have a 2 yr old so I don't have those issues. Have you found any users here who have similar child sitches from which you can learn and take comfort?

In the meantime, enjoy the bonus breakfast and squeeze her extra hard after school Monday

[jim0987]

Kids really can push the emotional buttons.

The only thing I can think to say that might help is that in general kids are pretty resilient and as long as they know you still love them, that you are always there for them and that its not their fault then they will be OK.

[Shining]

Hi, Ss,

Sorry your D had a rough time tonight ....

I think the breakfast plan was a great idea! .

She's reacting to these changes, and the unknowns are scary. Things to reassure her of (not during pick-up, but anytime) that helped my kids feel more secure:

1. That you will always be there for her (you'll never leave her, cover that abandonment fear) and even though you're S, SHE is taken care of ALWAYS
2. NONE of this S was her fault
3. BOTH parents will always love her

THIS WAS BIG FOR ME:
They look to us closer than we realize. If she senses tension or sadness from the parent she's leaving that night (not at all suggesting you had any), she will likely be a bit clingier. If both parents are upbeat and positive about the exchange, it helps A LOT in the security department. (Not perfect, but definitely helps)

Also, keeping "transitions" (or hand-offs) quick, and don't linger and feed into the thoughts of "missing" you, which will cue the clinginess. It will get better over time. The difficulty is the guilt....more on the parent side. Kids are usually over it when they get in the car. Sad, but true.

Just my .02.

[vossy]

Ss06, I was around 6/7 when my parents split up briefly. I've written about it on here before, but my mom was a WAS due to a PA. They reconciled after about 6 months and are still together now. I do remember being extremely emotional about the separation.. every night when someone tucked me in, and the other one walked in, I'd burst into tears. But that's ALL I remember.. and it doesn't have any bearing on me anymore.. so she WILL be okay.

I don't know what they used to say to me back then, but I do know that it took years for me to figure out who was at fault (I didn't figure that out until my teens) so they obviously were pretty good at not putting the blame on one another.. I think you're doing a great job to make sure your daughter will feel the same..

[Old Dog]

Oh wow SS. I feel for you, but it sounds like you're doing a really great job.

I'm not looking forward to having the 'transition conversation' with our kids. W and I had just finished our latest 'where are we going' conversation yesterday when S12 came in and asked if we were having anothe of our 'long talks'. I wasn't aware he knew anything about any conversations we gave had: we always make sure they're not around. There must be tension in the air and different attitudes they can sense though.

I will definitely check out that book - and HNHN which I also discovered yesterday.

Keep up the good work. (Not so) Old Dog xx

[gan]

Oh Ss, that sounds extremely rough. I don't know how I could possibly manage this whole debacle if we had children. You sound like you are being really strong and great mother. That counts for a lot in my book.

[Maybell]

Ss, I know that was hard but I've said it before and I'll say it again: it is so much easier to parent a child who shares her feelings openly than one who plays them close to the chest. Look at how you were able to adjust for her comfort and what that showed her. Imagine if she'd had those feelings and you hadn't known. And be proud for being the mom of a child -- especially a difficult child -- who is so trusting and open that she can tell you exactly how she's hurting and give you the means to help her cope. Well done.

[labug]

I'm impressed by your D and her ability to express her emotions. NOt to mention her problem solving skills. Did you catch that she wanted to punish both you and H?

Keep her talking and sharing. Don't let your discomfort with how she's feeling tempt you into making it all better for her. You certainly did a beautiful job in this instance.

You have a great opportunity here.