[gan]

Thanks, sjallda. I'm glad my Dad didn't threaten the electric chair!!! I bet that did create problems for you though it sounds like your circumstances in the previous M were very difficult. I hope you moved on to better things…(sorry that you find yourself here now).

I figure worst case scenario the reply text from my Dad activated my H's guilt button. I talked with my Dad about it, asked how he would have felt if his FIL sent the same thing to him. Dad's reply was that his FIL would have strangled him by now; no way would his FIL have stood back and been so uninvolved if my dad left my mum. Interesting perspective...

[gan]

I could really use some input on how to handle my upcoming move. I have no choice but to poke the bear for this one, so I'm looking to do as little damage as possible.

Recap: We lived in a rental apt (lease ends mid-Oct). H moved all his day-to-day stuff out soon after he moved out. So I am left with my stuff, our joint stuff and his "not so day-to-day stuff" (documents, safe keeps etc), all of which needs to be cleared out of the apt in 1.5 wks when I move out. Bear in mind that we've had little contact since we separated 3.5 months ago and no R talk - so I really have no idea where we are at and what he's thinking about the future.

So how do I handle this? There are a few things that I'm trying to work through:

1. Joint stuff - he has said he doesn't want anything (furniture etc) so my main question is about the sentimental stuff (wedding gifts, things we picked up on our travels together). Do we split this now? I'm tempted to just pack it into a box and take it with me given that he's not expressed a desire to have any of it. But then I don't want to seem controlling on the off chance he asks me about it. Do I bring this up? Guys perspective?

2. His stuff - clearly he is entitled to take it. I've gathered everything into a couple of piles but stopped short of putting into boxes for him. His new place is apparently very small whereas I will have a storage cage. Should I offer to hold on to it if he can't? Also, his stuff includes a whole lotta items that would normally stir up emotions in someone who wasn't in fog land (old love letters from me, gifts from my family etc). I'm not sure how he'll react - can I do anything here to make this less stressful or guilt/shame inducing? Actually I don't think he realizes how much stuff is still here.

3. Should I be here when he comes to pick it up or no? I get so few opportunities to see him but it is bound to be an emotionally charged process for both of us and may well lead to R talk (are we splitting this stuff for good?) I'm not sure if I can handle that.

Any thoughts or shared experiences would be appreciated. Rather stressful times here…it has NOT been fun packing up by myself and coming across boxes that just 12 months ago would imply that our lives were thoroughly intertwined and showing no signs of changing any time soon (e.g. a single box containing trinkets from both of our childhoods). :-(

[LisaB]

Oh ganb8te, we have so many similarities! I recently went through this exact thing. Here is my input.

1. joint stuff
If he doesn't express interest just take it and keep it to the side or keep it for yourself. And when you talk about his stuff you can mention it again like "oh and if you want to go through the joint stuff let me know!"

2. his stuff
After my WAH left I threw all of his stuff in piles or boxes. And yes there were sentimental items in there too. I know some stuff has had an effect on him as he has recently gone through the boxes but he is in crazy fog land. He reacted to some things but in a crazy way sending me random emails. I feel like his reactions are on HIM not YOU! So I wouldn't worry about guilt or shame.
Anyway, I would tell him to some get his stuff before you move and you can also be nice and mention that you have a storage space if he needs it. My WAH actually offered his house for storage for me. I did not take him up on it as I didn't want to have to rely on him. Probably your H will not take you up on it either. But it is nice to offer.

3. be there or not?
I hated being there when my WAH would come get stuff so I would always try to be out. But yes it is a good opportunity to see him. Is there any way you can be in another room keeping busy while he goes through his things? I did that once or twice and it was ok. I also helped my H move his stuff into his new house. I thought it would rip my heart out but actually it was fine. Weirdly. I just kept a PMA the whole time and tried to be happy and helpful. A good way to show off 180s and PMA! But I agree going through things together would be very hard. We didn't do that. I just put his crap in his boxes and left him to feel weird by himself.

I hope this helps some? I feel your stress over this, it was very very nervewracking for me deciding what to do when moving. But in the end it turned out fine.

Good luck my dear!
Hugs, Lisa

[gan]

Thanks Lisa. I was hoping you might weigh in because I knew you had been through something similar. I'm looking forward to moving into my new place, just not the bits have to happen before then!

[Shakspr]

Dad's reply was that his FIL would have strangled him by now; no way would his FIL have stood back and been so uninvolved if my dad left my mum. Interesting perspective...

And folks wonder why the divorce rate was so low before 1970.

There's a better joke in there somewhere, but it is certainly offensive to someone!

[NewLeaf]

Hi ganb8te, just checking in to see how things are going. I'm really not looking forward to the packing/moving part of this journey but I think what Lisa said makes a lot of sense and is how I'll probably approach it too when the time comes.

[gan]

Thanks for stopping by, NewLeaf. No major news over here. H is all set to come over tomorrow to pick up his things. I've been a bit sad and anxious in anticipation of his visit. We're at 4 months this Friday (wow…where did that time go?) I really have no idea what he's thinking at this point - if there's an OW, if he's in IC, if he thinks we are done… It's tempting to ask questions but I know I shouldn't. I pulled out DR again and re-read Ch 6&7 to remind myself. It's just so hard to know if there is any progress or if what I am doing is working given that there is so little interaction.

Last time I saw him - a month or so ago - he told me it made him sad to see me (despite or perhaps because of the PMA I was showcasing). On the positive side I was glad to see that he'd moved beyond the angry stage, but based on what I know of my H I could see him avoiding me just so that he can avoid those feelings. Sure enough he's turned down two invitations for a casual drink subsequent to that last meet up (we also had things to discuss…which he emailed about). So I get the message, he doesn't want to spend any time with me at the current time. Backing off…trying to focus on me.

[Maybell]

It's no fun but it's good he has an emotional response to you. I'm sorry I haven't been on top of your threads... Does labug visit you? Because I know on my thread, she'd say that him avoiding his feelings is his to work out. What's your task?

I'm starting to understand the idea of the marathon. Marriage is the long haul. You're in the "for worse" part right now. Let him do his thing (I *know* how hard that is) and keep up the good work on your thing. We're behind you!

[gan]

Thanks so much, Maybell. I do accept that his feelings are his to work out, just get frustrated by his tendency to ignore, not deal, deny (there's a history there, estrangement in the family following his parents' separation). On the other hand, I think he does process things internally in a way that I probably don't appreciate. In fact I think this sensitivity was one of the things that attracted me to him in the first place.

My task? My task is to let him be (I'm generally doing ok with that). My other task is to work on me. Our separation came so quickly and with so little discussion that it's been hard to identify the 180s I need to pull from H's perspective. As for my perspective, I've identified a few things (e.g. reactive communication style, anxieties around work) that I am working on. I need to throw some more fun into the mix too!

No Labug doesn't visit me as far as I know…but I would love it if she did (hint, hint). I have gone back and read her old threads up until she and H started dating again. Her personal journey was an inspiration to read…particularly since she also went for long periods without contact with H.

[Maybell]

Sometimes the task can be just to sit with things and let them simmer until you know which path you want to take. Any 180s you try to pull from your H's perspectives are going to be mind-reading and unsustainable, so I don't recommend that one. I bet there are ways in which you've felt constrained in your marriage that can be 180s for now.

I read a relationship book a few months ago that pointed out that often the things that drive us most crazy about our spouses are the "flip sides" of the qualities that drew us to them. It's like the technique Vossy uses to pull herself out of a spin. Hmm...