Standing tall. Trying to rekindle.

[Joe1981]

Thanks for the responses everyone.

Her anger yesterday was not explosive anger. Really, it seemed more like hurt still being dealt with. She tends to only label her negative emotions as anger though.

I'm really not sure what I think at this point. I feel like it's a bit of what you all said. Some of it is pushback at feeling closer, some of it is testing my resolve, some of it may be punishment.

[Elsa]

She tends to only label her negative emotions as anger though.

My old MC said that this is common. Anger is a secondary emotion covering up a primary emotion (like sadness), but it is usually easier for us to deal with the secondary emotion so it comes out as anger instead.

And she very well could be testing you to make sure that you still feel remorseful for what happened. Good for you for validating her feelings and showing her that she can trust you!

[Joe1981]

Oh yeah. This has been a rough weekend in that arena. I never once shied away from being remorseful for my actions.

I screwed up so royally in a few ways.

It's hard though, because at some point I'd like her to understand that none of my stupid actions would've taken place had she not initiated things. There would never have been a rebound EA, because I've never thought about being with other women, except when I thought that was my inevitable future.

Sometimes I feel like she hadn't thought about the kids meeting a new person if we did get divorced. I think she thought I couldn't attract flies, let alone women.

I dunno, there's a long road left to travel and unless she gets some kind of counseling to help her deal with the anger and help her look inward at her stuff. For now, I stand tall and steadfast.

[gan]

Hey, Joe. Just catching up. Sorry to hear that it's been a bit rough the past week. I think at the moment you just have to put it down to "don't believe what they say…" She may well realize her role in the EA but doesn't want to own up to it so pins it on you (in a "I'm hurting and I want you to feel bad" kind of way). Don't be so hard on yourself.

Her anger issues are a recurring theme in your posts though - do you need to see changes there?

[labug]

It's hard though, because at some point I'd like her to understand that none of my stupid actions would've taken place had she not initiated things. There would never have been a rebound EA, because I've never thought about being with other women, except when I thought that was my inevitable future.

2x4 alert!! I get what you're saying here, I really do. But we all have choices and when you felt the need to start an EA with another woman what other choices did you have that you didn't make? And why didn't you make them?

This is a slippery slope my friend, very slippery.

But it may be useful in helping yo see why your W has made the choices she has.

[Joe1981]

The obvious right choice would have been to focus on what was going onw/in me first and become ok w/ me. I allowed a lack of friends, the self-esteem boost of an OW who showed interest in me, and my W's assurances we were done to make me blind to the foolishness of getting involved w/ someone.
I am fully aware of the folly of my ways and that I never should have gone that route. Nothing I can do to undo it now. I quit talking to the OW cold turkey, blocked her on FB and will never contact her again as soon as I saw the error and resolved to fight for my M.

Oh well, this is all old stuff that I'm mentally past. Unfortunately my W isn't. Again, I need her to come to the table emotionally w/ something other than anger. I'm patient.

On the plus, just played my first soccer game in the league I joined. Finally trying to GAL.

[Elsa]

I agree with labug. You have to own what you did, 100%. That is really the only way that your W will ever be able to let go of her anger and forgive. Just continue to take responsibility for your actions and show genuine remorse when she brings it up.

I know it's hard, but at this point, you are probably more invested in the R than your W is, which means that you have to shoulder more of the responsibility for keeping the peace for now. Ultimately, if the R is going to work your W is going to have to take back her fair share, but all things in due time. (Trust me -- this is something that I struggle with often!)

[Joe1981]

I agree too. That's exactly what I'm doing. I know I've got to be patient. I was pretty much just venting here.

Thanks for the encouragement.

[Joe1981]

It has been a pretty good week. D4's b-day party went well. My family didn't do anything to make my W grumpy...at least not too much.

She has been much warmer to me. She readily talks about future family stuff w/ me. We're still not back together in any true sense and we haven't really discussed anything involving putting in the work, but things are still gradually going in the right direction. I do think a lot of the stuff from last week was a test and/or nervousness at her having to deal w/ my family.

I'm expecting a big push back in the next few days because it seems to go that way, but I'm convinced it'll be OK.

Playing soccer on Mondays now, so that's a big plus in the GAL arena.

[Joe1981]

I called it. A busy, stressful day after a bunch of good days and she got pissed at something little and pulled way back. Ugh.

PMA, PMA, PMA.