Need help. Scared, confused, and hurting.

[Jefe]

Focusing on the underlying factors IS what is going to even give you a chance at getting your wife back.

What has your wife said were the reasons she needed to leave?

What issues do YOU need to work on? How can you make yourself a better man?

For the most part she has just said she wants time to work on herself. But that changed a little a few weeks ago.
Night before last, the same day I found "the rules" we had a deep conversation by phone. I was struggling to remember all the rules and she was baiting me into our usual dynamic. I played it cool, blew some of the rules and was scared I screwed up, but what I got from her was this; She said she is so confused because if she comes home, she's not going to be happy and if she leaves, she's not going to be happy. She said she loves me, we're great friends, she cares about me deeply, but the intimacy is missing and she doesn't know if it can be repaired.
I know I have a lot I need to work on. I own big bunches of these problems, that's one reason it hurts so much. I caused it. Now, she is responsible for her actions and how she has reacted to it. She is dealing with this totally inappropriately and she is on a dead-end road.
I am working on me, HARD! I just hope she can/will notice.


Starsky - I copied that prayer of yours I found in another thread. I love it, my friend. My knees are very sore these past weeks.

[Jefe]

Man, it's just crazy how the lives of so many people can just change in the blink of an eye.
I wish I had the last 5 months to do all over again. I would certainly make some different choices.

[bdub]

To her, she is NOT dealing with it inappropriately and is NOT on a dead end road.




Keep working on you, and do it for you, not for her or your M.

[Jefe]

I am doing the best I can.
My emotional state swings from one extreme to the other, minute to minute, sometimes. I have lost 15-20 pounds, I haven't really slept in weeks, I don't want to work, I just want to crawl under the bed and stay there for days, but I can't. I have 2 daughters to raise and be strong for. I feel like I am doing a crappy job some days.

So, it really hurts to see her out having a happy time with friends, staying out every night at the pool halls (She now has time to play in 2 separate pool leagues, yay). Generally doing everything but being a wife and mother. She told me 2 weeks ago that she was happier being away from me. Gee, with zero responsibility to anyone but herself, I wonder why?

I'm working on me as best I can. And trying to just surrender - let go and let God, but damn, it's hard some days.

Thanks for the support guys.

[Jefe]

Crap, I just got off the phone with her, and did not follow the rules, AGAIN!

[MrBond]

Can you detail what happened?

[Jefe]

We started our own business last year and she is very stressed about money, like extremely stressed which is one reason why she took another job when school started.
She called asking about what jobs I had that were going to be paying, etc. I'm not maintaining the happy go lucky attitude like I should and I also started talking about the future, although she kind of started it.
She was talking about the potential loss of one client, a real pain client but he pays well when he finally pays, and asked what are we going to do? I replied: "Do you just want me to give this up and get a real job? I can. If that would make you feel more secure. I know this situation really stresses you out completely and it's just not that important to me, really."

And honestly, it's not. I have stood on principal and fought and argued way too much when I should have just shut up and honored my wife. Just don't know if this was the best time to say it.

[FunDad]

Jefe - You sound like a good man. You are going to get though this. God promises you will. Welcome to Job land brother.

Yes, follow the rules, detach. Don't have any expectations from her. Your expectations need to now come from God. That ring on your finger is a covenant between you, her, and God. I know how bad it hurts, but how bad does it hurt our savior when we reject him? Who died in that relationship? You are going to need to get closer to God in this and not mad at him. You and God must stand while she can not. She's deceived, and the enemy is having a hey day with it. You are a broken vessel btw - look up what Gidean did with a few of those. That can be you, let your light shine and watch God work. Don't let the religious people at the church run her down. That's not gonna help. It's supposed to be a place of healing, not condemnation. It's a fine line that I hope your leadership can walk out in love.

Get out of bed, and just walk. Walk. Call a friend while walking. Listen to some praise music. Kick a ball with the girls. Say the word "Fart" out loud a few times and see if you laugh. I'm serious. Don't snoop on her, it's going to hurt you like a razor hot barb and just tick her off. You must get out of the poor me, I'm going to be a zombie now cause my wife is acting human, and in sin. It happens. Don't hurt her back, but don't enable it either. Be the leader you should have been before, and it will draw her back. Be the husband Christ made you. Show your kids what love really is. Love endures ALL. Love is patient, kind. Remember?

Another book that is GREAT is Dr. Dobson's Love Must be Tough. It's got the answers you need and follow the divorce busting technique very close.

This won't be fixed over night. Restoration is a process. The grace of God is a critical piece. Hopefully yours won't lead to divorce, which is where I'm heading unfortunately.

Hang in there!

FD

[twinmom]

Ok, not trying to be harsh or prying but........

Don't make this all about her.

What are you doing for you? What specifically do you need to work on?

[Jefe]

FD, God bless you. That is just what I needed and at the right time. I wish I could say that I didn't have tears running down my face right now...

I am reading the DB now, I have been looking for God in it because that's important to me. I actually have Dr. Dobson's Love Must be Tough on the way as well as Gary Chapman's Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed. And a few others.

Our church is all about healing families and I promise they're not running her down at all. She just copped a flippant attitude with one of the pastors that rubbed him wrong, he called me later asking how long she had been acting this way because he had never seen her like that. They are ready, willing, and able with open arms to embrace us in love and help us. We have a huge amount of resources at our church for marriage repair. including the Re|egage Ministry.

Thank you again, FD.