too late?

[jim0987]

Hi all

For the last couple of years I have neglected my wife. I have never doubted how much I love her but I've always felt inadequate for her.

There was a brief time when my sense of inadequacy got the better of me (she went for drinks with an ex) and I was horrible to her but when I realised what I was doing I stopped and apologised. A couple of months later her dad died and unfortunately my sense of inadequacy reared its head and I just wasn't there for her - the opposite in fact.

Since then I thought I had it under control and that although things weren't great its was OK, in fact i started to get grumpy that my wife always seemed sad and wasnt trying. My wife continued to be sad but I put it down to the other stresses in her life . I didn't listen to what she was telling me which was that she felt I didn't trust her and that I continued to act petty and jealous (my words not hers). So she withdrew and I got more resentful.

The last few months seemed to be getting better until....

Two weeks ago she had a bad day and did the practical support rather than the emotional support. I sensed I had done something wrong but didn't say anything. Instead I festered til bedtime wheb I had a bit of an outburst about her not loving me. She said she didn't want to talk about and the next day was frosty. In the evening once the kids were in bed she went to a friends.when she got home she said something about me not asking if she had a nice time to which I replied 'why would i , you probably spent the whole evening complaining about me' a row followed.

Next day was even more frosty until I had an outburst of 'why don't you love me ? Why do you shut me out?' After it calmed down we talked and she said that she doesn't love me hasn't for a while and wants a divorce. I was devastated.

Over the next couple of weeks I tried to talk her round. Messaged her friends, tried to put my case to her mum - all the while just further confirming that I was insecure and needy. I can't think how I could have done a better job of pushing her away.

Anyway so its now about 16 days since she said she wants a divorce. She is pushing head with lawyers etc. And says its not worth trying as there is no love to try with. She seems to hate me and can't stand to be in the same room as me. I still love her more than I can express with words.

So all of this has made me reflect and realise just what an idiot I've been and know what I need to do to be the husband she deserves. Number 1 is ditch the insecurities.

So I'm asking is it too late to save my marriage? Is there anything I can do? Is it worth telling her what I now realise or will that just push her away?

Thanks

[jim0987]

I do want to tell her that I get what I've been doing wrong and that im goibg to change it whether she will give me a second chance to be the husband she deserves or not. But I'm guessing the advice would be that that's a bad idea.

[Nettles]

So I'm asking is it too late to save my marriage?

No one here can answer that, but it isn't too late for you to change YOU, and that may impact the M. Get the books and start working.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

[jim0987]

I'm going to start working on myself - I have to for my own sanity and its going to make me a better person.

Its just tarnished by the pain I feel now. And I wonder how she will see that I'm changing.

[South74]

Hi jim,
Patience is something I have learned to embrace and you should try .
I Made all the common mistakes early on being pushy ,rediculous demands, getting angry,getting emotional, saying thing I shouldn't have done .
It was a few crazy weeks but I've started to GAL and 180 and keep as busy as possible to stop myself from dwelling and my mind going to dark places .

If you read threads on here you will see that for some people it's never to late .

And remember this motto when times get tough . Become a man only a fool would leave .
It helps me a lot .

[jim0987]

That's a good motto. Thanks south

A good positive for me in the last couple of weeks is that I realise that I have a good network of friends who are really helping me to keep busy on the nights I don't have the kids.

I'm starting to realise that the most inadequate thing about me is that my sense of inadequacy gets in the way of my happiness. Its the root behind all the problems in my marriage - I've never truly believed I was good enough for her

[jim0987]

Just thought I'd give an update. More for cathartic reasons. My W has gone to her mothers for the weekend and taken the kids and it was horrible to have my D3 asking why daddy isn't coming. Soul crushingly sad is about how I feel right now but at the same time I know I'll be OK.

I think its made worse by the fact that my W can't look at me and that the only things she said were about me making arrangements to help her move out (sort out the mortgage so I can buy her out)

I think I also made a mistake by telling her that I know its my fault and that I'm sorry for blaming her when she first said she wanted to leave. I was calm and not grovelly but still it was probably a mistake.

This NC business is really hard when you share a roof and have two young kids.

[jim0987]

I'm going to go for the whole sorry story. Its quite long and I know I'm an idiot for not trying hard enough and somehow expecting a good outcome.

My W and I met at work and new each other for over a year before anything happened. I was in another relationship and she dated a couple of other guys in the office. Wed always had chemistry and so it wasn't long after I broke up with my ex that we got together. She said no for a while and even slept with someone else to try and not think about me. But we did get together and it was great.

After about a year I got a new job which meant us moving about 100 miles from her family. We moved and she was really sad for a while until we bought our own place and settled. She wanted to move home but that would have meant both being unemployed. Things got better and then she got PG and things were great.

One day we thought she was having a miscarriage and were both distraught. We spoke to the hospital and got a scan which said the baby (now my D3) was OK. The hospital said they wanted to run a few more tests and my W said it was OK for me to go to work (it wasn't but I'm not good at empathy and very literal so didn't get it). The Drs said it should be fine but that my wife had to stop running which is something she used to love and that we shouldn't have sex.

My D was born and is beautiful and healthy. My wife struggled for a while and I often came home to find her in tears. She was really lonely being away from her mum but there was nothing I could do. She wouldn't go to any mums groups to try and make friends so she was alone except for me. I also found becoming a new dad tiring and quite hard. I encouraged her to go back to work as I knew this would be good for her (which it was and financially she had to) although she maintains she didn't want to.

We had decided to get married a few months after my D was born so my W could get her figure back (what she wanted I thiugh t she looked great regardless). Things were a little tense but I just put that down to new parents and how lonely she felt. Just before the wedding she went on her hen night and had arranged to meet her ex. I found out as she left her facebook page open and when I asked her she lied about it. When I challenged her she said she lied because she knew that her meeting her ex would hurt me. We went ahead with the wedding but it wasn't all rosy even on the wedding day.

Over the next couple of months I got really insecure about why I wasn't good enough for her and so I started asking questions about her exs. I was comparing myself to them and kept finding I came up short. My W tried to tell me to stop and that she had married me but I just couldn't get it out of my head. She thought I was making her out to be a 'cheap whore'. When she said that I realised how horrible I'd been to her and stopped. Suppressing my insecurity.

Things were frosty after that and she still had no real interest in sex so I began to feel rejected. This carried on until her dad died a few months after the wedding. On his last few days they went to hospital everyday while I stayed in MIL lounge with our D. I felt trapped there for day after day and when they got home I was ignored except to be told how wonderful SIL new boyfriend had been. I wasn't happy but I was OK after all her dad was dying and this is what she needed from me. On the day he died the family decided to go for a walk in a park. The same one where W had told me about the man she slept with to avoid me. I couldn't cope - I just felt so hurt all the insecurity from the previous months came back. I tried to keep it in but when W mad esome kind of comment about me needing to pay attention I made some sarcastic and unfair comment back. I can't remember what it was but I know it would have been awful. I have apologised time and again but She has never forgiven me for that and although its no excuse my emotions got the better of me.

Over the next few months she grieved for her dad but my lack of empathy meant I didn't know what to do. I wanted to help but didn't know how. She took this as me not caring and said she did all her crying in the car home from work.

Things gradually got better and she started showing some interest in sex again. Quickly got PG with our S. And her sex drive evaporated overnight.

He was born 9 months later with no issues or problems. Though delivery was hard on my W and she really struggled. I had to go back to work when my 10days leave were up but she didn't want me to. I assumed that whenever I went back she would feel the same. And I had commitments at work which needed to be met. Over the next few months I took leave and rejigged my hours to be home as much as I could because my W was so sad and seemed to be struggling. My S was a real pain with feeding and sleeping and my D was jealous of him.

Around the same time I noticed that my W had stopped kissing with any feeling and that she withdrew when I hugged her. She also started telling correcting me on stupid things or dismissing my job as unimportant. When we went to MILs it was like I didn't exist for anything other than childcare. I felt rejected so put more and more effort into being a good dad thinking if I do this then she will come round and I don't need to keep making efforts and getting shrugged of. If I hugged her she would say she had a headache to make sure I knew there was no chance of sex. It got to the stage that if touched her I would feel I had to pull my hand away and apologise. She told me this was stupid but I couldn't stop myself

Things did start to get better but I was so resentful that I didn't notice and although I didn't realise it I had started to regularly make little cutting and sarcastic comments. when she was telling me that I was doing this and that it was upsetting her I just kept thinking that she was having a go just to tell me how rubbish I am again. I didn't listen I was too busy feeling hard done by. She got more sad. When she tried to tell me she was finding juggling work and parenting I thought she was having a go, reminded her of what we had agreed and got annoyed at the extra pressure she put on me (I do just under half the childcare). She got more sad.

A few months ago we went on holiday. She was so worried about it before we went that it was hard to be excited. She was tense throughout and it felt like I was just managing her stress levels and then she was in tears at the end because she had a nice time and we didn't have any more holidays booked. Although she has since told me the holiday is when she decided she was happier in a separate bed from me (the room forced this).

We got back and were making plans for the future. And i deluded myself that Things were getting better. I was just trying to get us to do something other than watch TV of an evening though we've had hardly any nights out because she always found reasons not to. I was also quite negative about the amount of time she spent on her phone - I objected to her ignoring me and the kids she kept accusing me of not trusting her.

All this to the weekend about 3 weeks ago which I described in my top post. I know I forced the issue and pushed her and it blew up in my face. All she can see of me now and i think since the wedding is negativity and security so everything I do is viewed and judged against that.

I do know that I have an unpleasant, insecure and sarcastic side which can't be nice if its directed at you and that I probably was making her feel bad as a way of dealing feeling rejected. I need to deal with that for the sake of me and my kids. I also know that someone who is as useless with other peoples emotions as I am is a pretty poor rock when you have big things going on in your life.

So here I am, being left by a woman who still amazes me and is as beautiful as she has always been. I would do anything to get that relationship back to where it should be but Im scared there has just been too much hurt for 4 years now. I'm not really sure what the right 180s are and detaching feels like it reinforces the I don't care view. I am going to follow some of the advice I've already been given and make myself the best man I can be.

So there's my story. If you've read it all, thank you. If I could offer you a cookie I would (my D and I make awesome cookies)

[jim0987]

Ive read so many of the other threads on here and can really see that making a difference to myself is the way to go. Its a shame I've not found more threads where the marriage has been restored through the efforts of the LBS.

Its hard as I feel my world and heart has been ripped out. Just before this blew up we were cuddling up together, making plans for the future and she would tell me how she couldn't sleep unless I was there.

The change is just hard to take. She is just so cold and determined to divorce as quickly as possible and be 'rid of me'. She takes every opportunity to remind me she is leaving and seems laser focused on making the arrangements (she's viewing new houses to move out to next week). Our D3 told her to hug me and she looked repulsed by the idea.

She says that there is no love left for me at all and her behaviour backs this up its just hard to believe - I don't want to believe it.

I need to detach from my old M and move on. I just hope its to a new and amazing R with the woman who has left me. Id like to keep the gap and hurt to a minimum is all.

As the WAW video says - she's given me the kick I need to be the man she always wanted. I just need to make those changes and help her to see