Well returned Saturday W maintains nothing happened on her Friday evening visit to OM. He had his kids and they were late putting them to bed and so "did not have much time to talk" She says they mainly talked about the issues with his exW (who also knows about the affair). She will deal with the rest of the stuff with him "later" For the rest cool and distant all weekend. Though we did spend the afternoon Sunday working together in the garden. I let my doubts get the better of me and brought it up again today - and of course W angry that I "keep on about it" I work from home frequently and she is also grouchy that I am around today. Will spend rest of the week at the office then. It is just so hard to not share my doubts and worries with her. She is not really open to then right now. Going dark is hard....
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
After a bad start today I got my DR head back on. Had a good discussion with my W this evening while out for a 45min walk and realize that so often my pushing for answers and decision is just turning her off. So the key is just trying to find a productive way to turn off my doubts and fears. It is odd for me to see that, if I listen, my wife is telling me what she needs. It is a bit of everything at the moment. MLC EA PA and our history of a sex starved marriage. We agreed that our marriage as it was is over. Maybe we have a shot at making it over anew. I reflect on one of Micheles posts which is a letter from a man who resolved to be his WAW's best friend regardless of what she did, and so created the changes and space for her to find her way back to him. Maybe that's the road I need to take. Anyone got advice for dealing with the demons & doubts while away on business travel?
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
On the sex starved marriage point...One thing a small step forward to celebrate - my wife is interested in getting our sex life back up to speed and has asked me to go buy a book on the subject for us to read. Up to now she was always of the opinion that. sex just happened and was not something you could learn/ get better at. Small steps...
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
"Had a good discussion with my W this evening while out for a 45min walk and realize that so often my pushing for answers and decision is just turning her off." My wife, too. She told me repeatedly to back off and I did not until she started talking divorce and I found this site about the same time.
Last edited by Cristy; 10/06/1409:57 PM. Reason: per forum agreement, do not mention other books, authors, websites or forums
Me 47 - W 35 M 9 - T 10 2 Daughters - 7 & 9 Discovery of EA- 8/4/14 S - 8/5/15 D mentioned - 9/11/14 R & Piecing - 3/17/15 Regard one another as more important than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
Indeed she has been cuckolding me...but that is basically the case in any affair.
Only when the betrayed spouse knows, and his cheating spouse KNOWS that he knows, and he continues to just "wait" for her, knowing she's going off with OM.
Does that mean you have to divorce them immediately, or you are being a cuckold? No. But you have to be clear that their current behavior is UNACCEPTABLE to you, that you will NOT remain in an open marriage, and you are beginning to MOVE ON with your life, and you hope she will decide very soon because you won't wait forever.
And then you begin moving on. Legally, financially, GAL-wise, emotionally -- everything.
So she wants to have sex with you while having sex with the OM? I hope you really don't think that's wise.
She has stopped having sex with OM she says. It happened 5 or so times Mar-Aug this year, while I was away on business travel. I got an STD test (negative). She thought that was ridiculous as OM is a family Dr. (not ours needless to say but he practices in the city we live in) - and she knew he was also having sex with one other woman over the summer.I insisted, suggesting a test for her would not be a bad idea seeing as OM sleeping around. Gave her pause for thought. So I am taking it as a step forward that she tells me that with OM it was not so great and with me good and she wants more with me.
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
Thx Starsky - agreed - and I have been crystal clear to her that current behavior=unnacceptable and she accepts that I will not wait forever. This is the rub in the DB/DR process. Moving on myself, GAL, and giving her the space to get her head on straight so she can recommit to me...it's clear. But how long is too long to wait, having been married for 20yr? Part of the issue is that for her to work out what she wants, she needs to round things off with OM (remember this was her boyfriend before me - 21+years ago - they started dating as teenagers - she has a lot of idealizing to unwind).
She is almost there, being done with him I mean, and I do not want to falter at the last post by coming on strong with demands/ultimatums. That is why the DR focus on myself/GAL is so useful - and avoiding cheeseless tunnels I think it is only myself can decide when I am done - when I have to say goodbye to all that. And I am not sure there are objective criteria for throwing in the towel - and after all this is what DB / DR is all about...never giving up hope.
Me 51 W46 S 20,18,14 T21 M20 DDAY 1 Sept 2014 Current: W ending A?
