Inside my chrysalis 3

[Ss06]

yes, labug, I also got How to Improve Your Marriage, too. That amazon bill is going to be a doozy.

so, just blabbering here...

I always find myself down and anxious in two specific scenarios.

1. After I pay bills, I realize how much money we're spending, realize I can't discuss this with H really, realize he's going out to dinner here and there at $200+ a pop (not just him, clearly), realize how badly we need good health insurance which catapults me into anxiety over getting a job and wondering why the 20 jobs I've applied for either think I'm not good enough or I'm TOO good.

2. Nights that I don't have D. She's at H's tonight, just one mid-week night and I do have GAL plans (yoga with friends is GAL, right?) but it's still hard coming home to a big empty house alone.

Sigh. I guess it's good that I recognize the source of my sadness and anxiety instead of spinning out of control with no understanding of why.

H is here working in the studio in the garage. He comes in, helps himself to something in the fridge, comments on my rearranging of the furniture in the family room very nonchalantly ("hey, looks good" with zero inflection) which was VERY difficult given that I'm a small woman moving LARGE furniture all over a room but whatever.

I immediately started mind reading and assuming that he's thinking "I don't know why you're working so hard on moving furniture around, we're selling this house soon." WHAT? Why does my brain do that and go directly to the WORST? And then, I want to react to that mind reading and pursue and temperature check. ACK!

I promised myself I wouldn't mind read because I'm always wrong. It's hard to step out of that mindset though. So, I'm changing my mindset right now. I moved the furniture for ME. I kind of like it (I don't love it but it'll work for now and it changes the perspective of the room and I'm all for any change of perspective right now). I don't really care that much what he thinks about the rearranging of the furniture. So there. Plus, he's probably feeling a bit down because he hasn't gotten a film in a little while and I'm sure he's feeling pressure.

And he's wearing a shirt I complimented him on last week. He's working from home today, he didn't have to wear such a nice shirt to hang out in the studio.

No more mind reading. I just have to talk myself through it. Whew. Not easy but I did it.

[Card29]

H is here working in the studio in the garage. He comes in, helps himself to something in the fridge, comments on my rearranging of the furniture in the family room very nonchalantly ("hey, looks good" with zero inflection) which was VERY difficult given that I'm a small woman moving LARGE furniture all over a room but whatever.

I immediately started mind reading and assuming that he's thinking "I don't know why you're working so hard on moving furniture around, we're selling this house soon." WHAT? Why does my brain do that and go directly to the WORST? And then, I want to react to that mind reading and pursue and temperature check. ACK!

Ss, nothing sends me off the deep end faster than any mild hint that suggests that this is truly permanent. A few weeks ago, we were getting the house ready to sell, and putting lots of stuff in storage. We were packing up some dishes and she wanted to separate them into "mine" and "hers" boxes. To quote you: ACK!

I'm learning (very slowly) to dodge those thoughts. I really don't think she has a grand plan in her head, so small hints now probably aren't indications of anything definite. In your case, your H was probably just offering a mild compliment. In my case, my W was just being practical - if we do split, the china is already packed, at least. We have to dodge these obsessive thoughts or the misery will continue!

[vossy]

Ss06, I have mentioned this elsewhere on these forums, but I taught myself something that helped neutralize the mindreading I was doing. IF I mindread, I have to counter any negative mindreading with a positive thought too. For example, if your negative thought is "We're selling the house" you could counter it with "Maybe he can see himself back here."

Or something similar. It helps on two counts (a) Like I said, it neutralizes the negative thoughts and (b) It shows you how silly mindreading can be - because if it's so easy to go in one direction, it should be just as easy to go in the other.

[Card29]

Exactly, vossy. Depending on my mood, I can convince myself she is filing any day now, or has already seen the light of our M and will open up to me any day. Both thoughts are silly to obsess over! I am typically a very positive person, so I don't mind allowing myself to be optimistic. I'm just trying to stay in a zone where I feel:

- Patient to wait on her
- Eager to work on myself
- Convinced our M will work if she tries
- Convinced I will thrive if she files

[Ss06]

Wow, you guys are awesome! I love the idea of countering any mindreading with something positive. Great smack of perspective there, vossy!

Card, you're really doing a great job. I love the male perspective and given how I treated my H (assuming he didn't have feelings, etc) it's SUPER helpful to hear that side of things. Thank you!!!

[Ss06]

got it, pilot!

[Ss06]

H is taking D for the weekend and once again I find myself sad and mindreading.

So I'm going to do what vossy suggested, here goes:

H, as indicated on FB, that he is hanging out with his buddies at work drinking scotch around a fire pit. Having a blast, I'm sure. He called to talk to D before bed, they chatted for a bit and then she hung up. He just has no reason to talk to me and frankly I have no reason to talk to him.

Am I out of sight out of mind? Do I even factor into his day at all? Does he think about me? Without anger or disdain? Does he miss me? Why do I feel like he doesn't. At all.


Ok, here goes on the positive mindreading:

Maybe he's disappointed that I have nothing to talk to him about at the end of his call with D, too. Maybe he does miss me and wants to see me but assumes that I don't want to see him. Maybe his IC is going well and he's facing some demons and needs space to do that.

Ok that wasn't as good as I'd hoped but it's balancing things out in my head a bit.

I really wish this would end.

[pilot]

Or...maybe it is much more simple than you are making it. Maybe he just does not have anything to say. Not in a bad way, not in a good way. He may have just called to talk to D and get back to his friends. Not trying to 2x4 ya on your thought process. I know when you are looking at the big picture, it is easy to take events like this and try to apply meaning to it. But remember, guys are simple creatures. He called to talk to D, so that is what he did. Same way when a guy goes to the store to buy milk, he buys milk, and that is it. Girls will come home with enough to feed an army.

Just because your H does not talk to you or even ask to talk to you, does not mean he does not factor into his thoughts during the day. Look at me. I think about my W constantly, yet I do not ask to talk to her, nor do I try to talk to her. Granted I am DBing, but the reasoning is the same.

Hang in there ss!!!

[Ss06]

Thanks, Pilot. It's hard to remember that men are simple creatures. If that's true, why are things so difficult with them. Hahaha. Don't answer that.

Thanks for your help. Simple it is. He's got stuff going on. No biggie, right.

Whew. I needed that.

[pilot]