Arcola, bd is bomb drop. First notification you get that the spouse might leave/is cheating/whatever. There is an abbreviations thread at the top of the newcomers forum that is very helpful if you find more indecipherable abbreviations.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I've been thinking a lot about my M and what went wrong and how I could have done things differently. I see on other's threads discussions about helpful books and great ideas for better communication and I just feel left out. I didn't have these types of problems in my relationship and I'm just trying to figure out if there is anything I can do or could have done to save my M.
What could I have done differently? What went wrong?
And in thinking about this I cannot see that many big things I could have done differently. And so I wonder- why am I here trying to DB? Yes, of course I can work on myself, we always can improve. I'm very far from perfect! But it has little to do with my marriage, we got along great and had a very easy and fun relationship.
He always told me how much he loved and cherished me and was so happy with our perfect marriage. At some point a few months ago apparently he decided he didn't want to be with me or wasn't sure he did, but he didn't communicate this to me at all. And his pretty coworker began flirting with him. After a few weeks of that he started acting strange to me and when I pushed to know why, he left me and tried to start a relationship with her, and then when that didn't work, with others.
When I look at how he treated me I am enraged. I was supposed to be his best friend, his most cherished person in the world, and he treated me with no respect. He lied and abused my trust. We can say he is in a fog. But does that excuse these actions? NO!
I was with him because he was kind and honorable and caring and loyal. He was a little boring but he was a good kind person and I thought those people are hard to find. I had rarely met a guy that could truly be trusted and I thought I was so lucky to find that rarity. So even though he wasn't the smartest, richest or best looking - I held on to my gem.
Now it turns out he is not loyal, he cannot be trusted and he isn't so kind. And I wonder - was he really ever kind and loyal or was this bad person always lurking inside? Was he just with me waiting for something "better" to come along?
When I imagine him coming back to me, begging for forgiveness and asking for another chance it makes me feel good. But I truly wonder why. Is it because I cannot live without him? Or is it because I want to gain back the upper hand? That I want to know HE didn't reject ME. That I want to repair the blow to my ego. This question scares me a bit.
I know I need to focus on myself and just move on to be honest. I realize that there is really not much I can do to salvage the relationship. If anything happens it is on him. I wasn't perfect but I was pretty great, and now I am even better. If he doesn't realize that, there is not much I can do.
If you have followed my thread he continues to reach out to me in a friendly way. But at this point I don't feel friendly to him at all. I feel a lot of hate and anger and I have no idea why he thinks we can be friends after the disrespect he has shown me. I feel like any friendly feelings I have toward him are based on the past, when he WAS a good person that I trusted. And since he has shown himself to be a stupid selfish A-hole, I don't really want to be friends with that person.
Lately I have mostly kept my distance and been very cool in response to him. He has no idea where I live or what I do every day. Our lives are quite detached now after 3 months of separation. I feel like soon I will go fully dark.
I do doubt myself a bit and wonder if I am just reacting to being hurt, and if I should be more friendly and open to keep the road home easy.
What do you all think? Any advice?
Hope everyone is having a great weekend. Heavy thoughts here. Hugs, Lisa
Lisa, your story is similar to mine in many ways. All I can say is that if I didn't have a kid, I would probably be done and go ahead and dissolve the marriage.
Here is a question for you though -- do you have to be in a hurry to D, or can you just move on with your life and see if he files. A good friend whose been through tough times with her H told me that it took them about 9 months to feel different about each other. My parents best friends went through the same thing, with a similar timeline. So I guess maybe ask yourself if you have to be in a hurry to get clarity. Or can you just enjoy your life for what it is right now and maybe not give so much attention to your H. Just let that evolve as it will.
That being said, I feel the same way many days. I want the limbo to be over. I want to move on. But I also want to be a person who is not reactive. And I want my H to take responsibility for the D if that's where we end up. Sometimes I think he is pushing me to file so he doesn't have to take the blame for it. I'm not planning on giving him that -- he will have to end the M knowing that it was his decision, and that I'm not the "bad guy." Then if he has regrets later, he can only blame himself.
Time is your friend, Lisa. Don't be in a hurry. You don't have to love him right now, just love yourself.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Being in limbo is pure torture. I keep waiting for the other shoe to come crashing down on my head. My H keeps telling me soon our D will be final but honestly I am pretty sure he hasn't done anything. It doesn't take 6 months to finalize a divorce. I feel like he is keeping me in the wings until he finds someone else. The really infuriating thing is that this is exactly what he did with his first marriage. I was the someone else. H started a relationship immediately after BD. It has since crashed and burned. H had to make sure I knew it was over. Is that messed up or what. H is self destructing before my eyes and I am powerless to do anything. I am praying that he wakes up and realizes what he walked away from and decides to come home. I know that it's a long way off before that happens.
H:45 M:44 D:15 D:11 M:16 T:22 BD:4/14 OW:4/14-8/14 H still refusing to try Praying every day for a miracle
Lisa, I've been wondering how you've been doing. I figured you were either too busy GAL or you've been mulling over things.
Aside from my H being a bit of an avoider, I too think that we didn't have that many problems. We did a lot of the things we were supposed to be doing (talking with each other about the day, not arguing over the small stuff, spending quality time together….) I think we just fell into a rut and got stuck on some stuff. Have you read any of the books mentioned on other threads. It has taken me reading them to see that there were some problematic dynamics that I just simply didn't appreciate. But I maintain that our M was pretty good (at least for me, clearly H felt differently).
Here's the way Iook at it: What would be different if you weren't trying to DB? Actually I don't think things would be that different for me. I wouldn't be jumping into another relationship right now (I'm just not ready), I would be trying to get myself in order, GAL etc.
People keep asking me "am I moving on" yet but I've come to think that is a concept Hollywood made up. It's just not that black and white. Am I getting on with my life? Sure. Will I close the door on H? Maybe. Will one of us file for divorce when we are eligible (June 2, 2016)? WTFK. This whole experience is teaching me that nothing is certain. It never was though…why on earth I was under that illusion I just don't know.
I think the most difficult thing is acknowledging that we are in this situation. Sure we wish we weren't here. But we are...so…the.only.way.out.is.through. All will be revealed in due course...
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
It's true, without DB what would I really be doing differently? Not much. But I guess maybe I would stop hoping he would wake up from the fog or wondering whether I should be friendly or tell him to F off...
But I guess I just need to keep focusing on myself and being polite to him to maintain my dignity. If I opened the floodgate of anger and hate at him I don't know if I could close it. He wouldn't really hear it and I wouldn't feel better anyway.
I know we had some troubles in our relationship but they were not major problems. Definitely things we could have worked out I think. Now I see that WAH was feeling doubts but the OW pushed him over the edge. I think she really preyed on his insecurities and also on my trust. She and I were friends and I told her details about my relationship and about H. I think she knew the buttons to push. This isn't the first time she has broken up a relationship, I think she gets satisfaction from it.
I'm not blaming her for everything I am just saying that his unwillingness to work on our minor issues was in a huge part due to his hope that he would have a better life with her. He told several people this exact thing in fact. He said there was really nothing wrong with us, but he just didn't feel the sparks with me as much as he did with her. Well, yes, when you meet a sexy new person who flirts with you it is much more exciting than the real person you have seen at their worst.
Ganb8te you are truly right that nothing is certain and in my strong positive moments I get strength from that. And I was also guilty of taking my relationship for granted, probably the biggest mistake I made.
Ahoy, I hear you about the timeline. I have several friends who have reconciled and typically it takes months and months, if not years. So I know I shouldn't be in a hurry. I guess I just feel less and less like I want to reconcile and that scares me a bit. It has been 3 months. In 6 more months I feel I will be completely detached from him.
I have been GALing like crazy and things are mostly going well in my life. I just feel this cloud over me. I'm not crying all the time or unable to eat but I can't seem to let go of anger and sadness. Perhaps I'm just in the stage of processing those feelings and so they are popping up. I see something that reminds me of WAH or OW and I have these hateful thoughts. I would like to block those thoughts so that I don't feel so much anger but I can't seem to, they just keep coming back. Hopefully I will get through this stage and then I just won't care.
Part of me really feels that going dark is my next step. I feel that he left me, he said he wanted to be rid of me, and so he can't keep having me at arm's length when he feels like speaking to me. He needs to really feel what life will be like if I never communicate with him again. At this time I don't even like him so why would I want to be friends? On the other hand, do I just want to punish him? Take away the one thing I can take which is myself?
I also know this path takes unexpected turns. Tomorrow something new could happen in my situation that changes everything. I guess I have to hold on for the ride.
