After 24 years, she leaves.

[mindsin]

DayOne - To be honest, I think you're in the wrong forum.

This is a forum for people who want to save their marriages. If the marriage can't be saved, then the journey of going through the methods discussed here will make them a better person and be able to move on and find peace with the end result (divorce).

It seems like you've already made peace with the end result, and have a secondary interest in saving the marriage. Am I wrong?

I'm relatively new here, but that's my 2 cents.

[SunnyB]

Wow. Just wow. Obviously you two seem to completely miss what i'm trying to say. And yes, i find it offensive, really. At least i know now which forum members get a kick out of stomping on the outpouring of feeling and emotion by someone in pain.

DayOne, you haven't been on the boards long enough to realize the wisdom of both MrBond and 25years. They may say some things you don't want to face yet, but if you stick around and try to absorb instead of lash out, I think you'll be glad. You are very defensive right now, that's understandable. You are going through something very hard. Believe me, we all get that. But you came here for help, and you would do well to recognize it when it's being offered.

[claire7]

I second that. The advice and (sometimes) tough love that I got from Mr. Bond and 25years have been life-changing for me.

Hang in there.

[mindsin]

DayOne, you haven't been on the boards long enough to realize the wisdom of both MrBond and 25years. They may say some things you don't want to face yet, but if you stick around and try to absorb instead of lash out, I think you'll be glad. You are very defensive right now, that's understandable. You are going through something very hard. Believe me, we all get that. But you came here for help, and you would do well to recognize it when it's being offered.

I was exactly the same way when I joined this board 3 months ago.

The epiphany comes when one decides that their desire to understand is greater than their desire to be understood.

[25yearsmlc]

Let's try again...

What do you want to know?

Your ages, your financial issues if any, intimacy issues, if any,

health issues, if any. Professions, interests, educational issues if any. Describe your wife to us.

Tell us what YOU think YOUR WIFE would say were HER COMPLAINTS were about you...if she were here.

And what do YOU say are your complaints about her?

What does conflict resolution look like in your marriage?

What does forgiveness look like to you?

And how was it shown in your childhood?

How are the relationships between you and your children, and her?

And have you read the book(s) that form the basis of this site?

This site is NOT like other pro marriage sites. It's solution based, so even though things like your childhood and other historical issues may be relevant, we focus more on the present and what works NOW, than we do on how you got here.

But the "how you got here" certainly does matter. It's just that we want to get to do what helps the marriage, and NOT do what hurts. Sounds simple but a LOT of marriage counselors focus only on how one feels now, or how one sees their marital history. Depending on whom and when you ask, those version of history can vary widely.

I'm curious about your approach, b/c when your w MIGHT have sent out an olive branch, with the note of thanks, you snipped it right off.

That was strange, considering you claim not to be angry. It sure looked hostile.
Why did you say that you don't want her to contact you "for awhile"? How long is that?

How can she contact you again, short of begging, with her tail between her legs?

Also, if either of you decides to date, try NOT to decide NOW what you would do...

besides, dating does not always = sex.

When my h and I sep, we both dated.

Speaking for me, I dated a few very nice men, including 2 who were very attractive. We did not sleep together, and even though I enjoyed their company, for the most part I Became more convinced that my h and i were actually well suited for each other. He takes care of his health, some men our age don't. He is educated and smart and gets my jokes, not every man does or is. Things like that were noticed more by me...

I missed him more when I was on some dates, not less. So that can happen.

Give us some details about your background and what you think lead to this, and we'll be able to asset more.

Oh and PLEASE Do not skimp on reading the books.

Read at least one of them or you won't get nearly the benefit of this site that you could get. (Plus, to me it looks lazy not to read the dang book but to want advice from people who are using the book as a frame of reference and overall guide and the terminology we use comes from the books....so you'll get a LOT more out of what we say if you know why and what we were are talking about.)

The Div Remedy is the newer edition, and it does not go into as much detail about why divorce is bad, as the first one. If you are not sure how you feel about divorce in general, then read the first one (Div Busting) B/c it surprised me to learn how unfavorable divorce is down the road.

Div Remedy is similar, but spends more time on the actual techniques to use to get through this time.

You can get through this and your marriage CAN improve. But it won't just happen, in my opinion. SO "waiting and seeing" with the separation won't do it for you.

You will need to do some brave digging.

But they say the real journey in life is an inward one. I believe that.

So dig deep and be brave.

I look forward to reading your posts.

Can you answer any of these questions or give us any of the above requested information?

[MrBond]

I think he left. In case you haven't.

"Wow. Just wow. Obviously you two seem to completely miss what i'm trying to say."

No we didn't miss it. I think you should re-read what you wrote and see it from our perspective. We don't know you or your situation. We just respond to what you write.

In the beginning of the post you talk about infidelity which isn't your situation, then you talk about how you went to marriage counseling but didn't explain why you went and then you went on about wanting to save the marriage but wanting to focus on you. That sums it up.

We have no personal information on you whatsoever so we can't make any recommendations either way. If you look at our signature lines we've been at this for a long time helping others. And yes 25yearsmlc and I have both saved our M in case you're wondering.

[Roberta]

I know that there are many threads attached to your posting. This is only in response to your original post. I know at this point, you are speaking to a counselor and your goal is to find out more about yourself, than saving the marriage. However, I urge you to consider speaking to a Divorce Busting coach as well.
You will find both perspectives extremely helpful. Use your Divorce Busting coach to help focus on yourself and see where that self stands inside and outside of the 24 year old marriage.
Call me to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004.

[25yearsmlc]

I think he left. In case you haven't.

"Wow. Just wow. Obviously you two seem to completely miss what i'm trying to say."

No we didn't miss it. I think you should re-read what you wrote and see it from our perspective. We don't know you or your situation. We just respond to what you write.

In the beginning of the post you talk about infidelity which isn't your situation, then you talk about how you went to marriage counseling but didn't explain why you went and then you went on about wanting to save the marriage but wanting to focus on you. That sums it up.

We have no personal information on you whatsoever so we can't make any recommendations either way. If you look at our signature lines we've been at this for a long time helping others. And yes 25yearsmlc and I have both saved our M in case you're wondering.

I went back to read the original post and see all the "emotions poured out" and all that I "missed".

I could not find the following statement anywhere "I feel......". So I don't know what feelings were "poured out" b/c I could not find any there.

Just a lot of what went on in your head and a ton of analysis on your part. And a very detached tone as well.

No, I really don't know why you're so offended. You chose two of the shortest replies to focus on, you ignored every other post, including the long one I wrote.

There were a ton of questions asked, and you replied with another question for us...that is just a really unusual interaction. No one is "prying". We are trying to help you, for which we get no pay. I mean, you do know this is volunteer work, right? What's with all the anger and personal attacks? That rarely happens here.

I'm unclear as to what you want from people here.

So what would "support" from us look like to you?