I just found out she called two different lawyers yesterday. Is she trying to get more information and figure out which one she wants to use? This is now beyond 'exploring' and 'learning her options' - she is actually figuring out which lawyer to use. This is not going to end well for me.
Once again, mindreading.
How did you find this out?
How do you know it's more than that? And what if it is? There's nothing you can do about it.
This is where your work is, Seattle, learning to control you.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Once you let go with what you cannot control you will find yourself much happier. I know it's easier said than done but trust me majority of us giving you advice have been through similar struggles in the very beginning. The more you push for control the further you are pushing your spouse away.
Yes so she's calling lawyers. I did not want a D and had no clue if my ah was talking to lawyers at the time but I consulted with 3 different lawyers to protect myself, my boys and my assets. I'm not saying this is what she's doing
But what can you do about it? You CAN control your response. GAL do things for you that make YOU happy.
Be a strong confident man that a woman would want.
Would it be a 180 for you to stop trying to control every detail and. Just let go of what you can't control. Trust me I struggled with this. But once I started following the wonderful advice from the great people here I started seeing changes. Most importantly I started feeling so much better
I was thinking about this anniversary card she gave me last year. It basically said: i have never loved you more than i do today. And i would do all of this all over again.
How can someone go from feeling that 1 year ago to behaving the way she behaving today? How much is it the OM, unhappiness, me, stress, etc?
I am just so confused still. Also, how can someone go from saying those things to not wanting to work on the marriage?
Seattle, it is most definitely a phase for you and for her. The question is what phase is next? that is not entirely up to you, as she had to make up her own mind on which direction to step next. You can't control that. What you can control is YOU. The best way to prepare for the next phase (whether it's reconciliation or a new beginning) is detach, GAL and especially 180. If you don't make changes and learn what makes a marriage thrive (fulfilling emotional needs, mainly), you will be right back in this position eventually, either with her or someone else in the future.
btw, I have a similar trajectory with my WAW. We were in our best place in 9 years together at the end of 2013. It was punctuated by a Facebook post she wrote in Dec 2013, just before my arrival from a 2 week business trip, about how much she missed me, how excited she was for me to return, how it was the longest we've been apart since we'd met, and she never wanted to go that long again. Things change. I believe they can change back in the other direction, though. But I want to be prepared to help carry them in that direction if given the opportunity.
Me 38, WAW 30 D11 (former marriage) S2 T 8 years M 3 years BD 8/20/23 S 8/20/23
Picked her up at work. Brushed teeth, listerine 2x, floss, cleaned face, hair gel, cleaned car. She didnt want to do the activity i had planned because she was scared. Ok so i took her to buffalo wild wings - we love that place. We used to go in other cities.
Great convo,work, friends, and a little personal.she is going to counselor on monday solo thank god. She said she is sad about the situation, but the space has been good. She said the dinner was fun and nice several times. Went home together and watched neighbors a great movie for us to watch together. It was fortuitous. She touched my arm at one point. She gave me a kiss on the couch after the movie. She then hugged me and kissed before she left. She seemed to be crying or about to be upset. She said we'll talk soon. Neither of us said i love you.
Also, things were great. I did a lot of listening and validating and generally tried to be sexy for her. It was another high quality get together.
I dont know why she was upset when she was leaving?
Happy she is going to counselor on monday. Hope that works out in my favor in the longrun.
Sad and scared because i didnt see much change. But glad we had a high quality evening together. Worried she thinks to herself: i just dont love him.
Just got back from a long weekend playing golf with buddies. Had a good time for the most part - had trouble letting go sometimes and not bringing up my situation. But overall I had a great time.
Got a text from W last night about getting together tomorrow night. It was too late for me to text her back so I will text her back in a bit. I am thinking I may say that I already have plans for tomorrow night and am free later in the week.
I also have been doing some web research on Narcissism. She really is displaying a lot of the behavioral traits and has been for a while (the emotional coldness, focus on appearances, inability to develop deep friendships, lack of feeling, etc). She may not have an extreme version of it. Maybe I'm just looking to put a label on something.
Anyway, she is going to an IC tonight to work on 'communication issues'. Hopefully the counselor helps her through more than that. I am starting to wonder if I even want to be with her anymore.
