1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 7

[Wonka]

(((MDU)))

Wow...that's a lot on your plate with your H and your Dad being unstable. Sometimes it's hard to do the right thing at times.

Chin up...we're right behind you right here.

[Train]

mdu,

My grandmother got kicked out of a nursing home once for knocking the crap out of another resident even though my grandma was in a wheelchair. But she didn't have a legitimate medical reason; she was just mean as a snake!

Seriously, though, I'm sure it's really, really tough to watch something as giant as a dad wilt away and act completely differently than we remember them being all our lives. H's grandpa died of Alzheimer's not too long ago; it was especially difficult on his daughter (my MIL).

Sending positive vibes your way.

And switching gears: fwiw, I must agree with Bond.

I *still* wonder if there are things about your H that you think or assume you know - even based on how he's learned to behave or what he says when you ask or put him on the spot about it - but you don't really *know*. You've historically tended to dig your heels in on that issue and *know* you're right. And maybe you are!!! Or maybe you're not. And I wonder if that heel-digging and insistence that you *know* you're right could be one of the issues in your M?? IMO, it's at least worth some exploration in YOU.

In fact, I was going to ask you earlier (before your post about your dad) if you would consider listing for us here the permanent changes you've made in yourself since H has been gone - the changes that will help ensure you're not back here after H moves back home.

How 'bout it?

[mdu]

Probably the biggest change I've made is stopping the blame game with H. And if I do get into it, I very sincerely apologize which I rarely did before. I have also cut way back on the sarcasm & criticism. Again, I can't claim perfection at this point & when I screw up I try to apologize quickly & sincerely. I've also taken a greater interest in sec which had really stalled for us, but was really good early in our relationship.

[MrBond]

"Probably the biggest change I've made is stopping the blame game with H."

It's still there. You blame him for having an A and much of your resentment and negative thinking continues to grow from it. It is much smaller than it was, but it's still there. Just be aware of that because it's easy to fall back to what you feel seems natural.

[unbidden]

You also seem to blame him for not moving back and going fully transparent.

[mdu]

Yes u both r 100% correct. I am honestly not sure how to get past blaming him for the A. And also the separation. I hate being separated & I definitely blame him for continuing it. Heck I never really wanted to separate in the first place. How do I get past this? All I can think is to keep reminding myself of how I hurt him. But nothing justifies an A. So my mind goes round & round. Any strategies or tips, please share

[mdu]

P.s. D4 bday is coming up in 2 weeks & our anniversary is the day after. I know no time lines but must confess, I think these milestones are getting me in a bit of a tizzy. I feel the blame & resentment bubbling up for sure.

[unbidden]

Your premise is incorrect, you say that nothing justifies an A, but he clearly felt some things in the M weren't working and he acted out. He made a mistake, a bad one. But you don't seem to be willing to really see things from his perspective. Regardless, you can choose at this point, as 25 says, to be right or to be kind. It's a choice and it's time to make one. It's time for love not blame, IMO. Wouldn't you want him to forgive you if you had messed up as badly? If so, do the same for him. It's such a blessing and opportunity for growth.

[mdu]

Thx unbidden. Well said. I truly could not get through this without u & every single other poster who takes time to follow my story & provide much needed perspective

[Train]

All of that up there is what you really, really should be working on right now, mdu.

As you know, this process is as much - if not MORE - about changes we need to make in ourselves as it is changes we need to see in our WASs.

Until those genuine changes are made in ourselves, our Ms won't change.

If you could switch the focus from H moving home to working on the issues in YOU that led to the breakdown of the M in the first place, it would be a big step in the right direction of really affair-proofing your M in the future. You may also, then, start viewing this time of S as more of a blessing than a curse. (More on that in a second ...)

I'm *still* trying not to play the blame game, mdu. I'm trying to learn a different way to communicate with H - a way that works for both of us. And I still fail at that from time to time because sometimes I start feeling overwhelmed and that there are only two possibilities: I start talking about one issue and then it builds until I start raining down a shi!tstorm of old grievances ... or I just keep my mouth shut and let things fester and build in me. I throw all that "validating," "boundary-setting" stuff slap out the window in the heat of a moment. And that's shameful because *I* am the one, of the two of us, with the PhD in relationships and communication (thanks to being here and reading a gazillion other books and articles on the subject when H was gone). It's proven to be extremely difficult to navigate through my hurt feelings and pain while also not blaming H for me having those feelings in the first place.

I tell you all that just because I feel like my experience is probably typical in the piecing process. You'll likely be getting there soon. And if I could rewind time - and if H and I could have afforded to continue maintaining two households at once without H having to work around-the-clock to do it - I would have *preferred* a continued S while we worked on things.

I think you could possibly twist your anxiety and fears around in your mind and instead of looking at your S as such an awful thing, maybe you could see it as a blessing in disguise. If you can't go *that* far, then maybe try to see it as the opportunity it is. You and H have an opportunity to DATE (hubba hubba) and to really solidify your re-attraction to one another and your love. You can practice new communication skills while not having to be in each other's space and face all the time. You can talk about more fun, light things than bills and household maintenance and such all the time. While those things still *matter*, they're not hanging over BOTH your heads, and in your faces all the time, like they are when you're living together.

I have no advice on how to stop the blame game. I may be in a minority here, but I don't think forgiveness is as simple as waking up one day and saying, "Well, I think I'll forgive him today." All the feelings associated with the transgression don't magically disappear when you decide to forgive and stop blaming. I think it starts with a decision, which is followed by a process. A very winding, bumpy process.

I don't know that any of that helps, mdu. But I hope it gives you at least a different perspective.