Mighty, I can see myself in your reaction at your D’s game. I can almost feel the rage and frustration and anger. Yes, you need to take this under control and not react like this again. It will just feel much different. I’m sure you will get there. You just needed to let it out.
I’m not surprised about him saying that hit the rock bottom. He lost the respect of his kids, he lost the life he had, he is starting a new life with someone who he barely knows. I’m saying that because he will realize one day she is not a good person. She is a predator. She is someone who thinks that is better than his wife and why he chose her. I never believe in a relationship that is built on lies and betrayal. I want to quote another phase from a relationship article (or book): “if you want to marry someone who honors the commitment of marriage, why would you date someone who is married? What does that say about your own commitment to marriage?”
Here is another quote: “Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.”
I also can never get it when a woman gets involved with a married man and causes all the stress and devastation on his family.
Interesting, my son also wanted to go to MIT when he was in a middle school. Then gradually through the high school this goal had diminished. He ended up getting in trouble during the last year of high school and didn't go to the university. He went to community college for a few years, while also working full time. He is very talented. He can set up an office network and troubleshoot the computer problems, and he can also build a cabinet, a desk, or entertainment center. And he can hook up the ceiling fan and replace the sprinklers. Tonight he replaced an old door bell that was broken in my house. He just transferred to the university and started the semester. Hopefully he will graduate in a couple of years with the Bachelors.
17 is the age for the boys when they are adventurous and rebellious. Your son will turn fine, just give him some time. I’m sure you will be very proud of him.
Your daughter seems to be a very smart kid. She will definitely “kill” her father with kindness, LOL. I’m not surprised he is worried about the relationships with his kids. He should be. He is doing the wrong thing thinking that everybody will just go along with it. He is very wrong.
Hang in there, Mighty. One step at a time.
Thanks, Bright. Yeah, the anger and rage thing... it's killing me. Funny though, when I saw him yesterday, I didn't really feel anything. My mom was with me, and I know it was difficult for her, even though she said she was fine and being upbeat. She noticed he was constantly texting and she grumbled something. I felt a twinge, but I just told her not to look at him. She exclaimed, "It's hard! When I look at you, I can see him behind you!" But she never said another word after that. Then she fell down the bleacher stairs. OMG, it was scary. I felt so bad for her. A bunch of guys ran to her. I told her she was a damsel in distress and all the men wanted to save her. She laughed it off, but it was not funny... till later.
Thanks for sharing the story about your son. That means a lot to me. I know s17 will be fine, the timing just stinks for him. His last two years of high school have consisted of his cousin killed in a car accident, his grandmother (whom he is very close to) fighting cancer, our house torn up and him "living" in the basement for a year, only to have a flood and lose all his stuff, his dad moving out, and well... you know the rest. On top of that, his grades have plummeted and he feels like his future has vanished. I am just trying to get him to realize that it may not be the path he planned, but there are still other paths to take. Yeoza!
And the info and quote you shared with me. Thanks, that's some interesting stuff. Something that I am still pondering.
I hope you are well, Bright. You are one smart, kind chicka. Thanks for taking the time to look out...
I have today off for several appointments, so I've been perusing the boards while hanging in waiting rooms. This is a great time-filler!
Yesterday xh sent an email to s17's counselor about his attendance. He checks obsessively to ensure s17 is in class. That's all good...
The counselor responded to him and cc'd me, and their email exchanges continued, while keeping me informed. I did not interject at all.
Today, I had to take s17 to an appointment. I knew xh would see absences from classes online, and start texting s17 about it and email counselor.
So I sent an email to the counselor this morning and cc'd xh informing them that I was taking s out of school for a little bit for an appointment. It was a good way to communicate without directly addressing xh.
One hour after the time I informed through email that I would be taking s out of school, I got a text from xh (I said I'd take him out at 9:50 for an apt and got a text at 10:50. I did not say what the appointment was for).
xh: How is s17 doing?
Me: OK
xh: Just ok?
me: Yup. Just ok.
xh: Perfect!!!
He is such a weird-o. I don't know this guy. I know that does not seem like a big deal, and really, it's not. But I can see how lost and out of control he is. I feel nothing.
Hey uR. So glad you dropped by! I think maybe you could hear my cry for help. Your timing was perfect. Without you guy here, there is a chance that my wordrobe would consist of a straight jacket and scrubs. Not the best look. Pretty hard to apply makeup, I think.
I would say, yup, I let go. In a way, I let go of more than just words. I am really starting to look at this guy from an outsider. It's not that difficult, I guess, because he made himself such an outsider.
It's funny that the whole time he really treated me like we were friends. And now I see him still try to take the same approach. Like nothing. Ummm... Hello??? Does he really expect me to just be like, ok, you had an affair and started a new family, and lied the whole time. Well that's cool. Have fun. I hope it works out and we are good friends, that is when HWW isn't around and doesn't know you WANT to be friends.
I just wasn't to tell him to jump in a lake. (Or something like that)
Yeah, those mirrors. It's got me thinking. Well, xh didn't have much to say negatively about me. The worst was that he could do much better. That is killing me, esp knowing HWW was waiting in the wings. Puke.
I don't think so, but he is shallow and selfish. When I think what others say I don't believe them. I feel like people say things to build me up because that's what you are supposed to do. I don't feel like a slouch or anything. I am a good person. I tend to get along very well with everyone, but I guess I have a hard time valuing myself. Hey, when the person who is supposed to value you more than anyone and throws you out like trash, it's a hard thing to get over.
I was thinking about what you said today. You are right, I should not give her head space. She ain't worthy! Nothing good comes from it either. So, I am removing her from my head. Maybe I need a lobotomy. Hmmmm... Straight jacket and labotomy- not looking so good for me.
You are right, he is in pain. I think he is swimming in mud, too. Good analogy, uR! I am certain he lies awake thinking about the kids. I know it is eating at him. J don't know how that affects his r with HWW. Who knows, maybe she consoles him and massages his ego, you know, it's MY fault and his kids use him. Whatever, mind reading, headspace- 2x4!! Anyway, thanks, uR. And please drop by again soon!
I have made things pretty easy for him. I am, by no means, a pushover, but I was very aware of xh's inability to deal. I think I believed I was protecting him or being a good wife or something.
So, what would you do differently if you had the chance? Or would you do things the same way?
Look. He's a grown man and you have every to expect him to tell you if he doesn't want that kind of support. It's called a healthy relationship when that kind of thing happens.
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I guess I just want him to know the destruction he has caused.
Can you rationalize with an irrational person? What would happen if he did? Would that provide you with 'closure' or give you the permission to live your life?
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The anger... that is my biggest difficulty now
Well... yeah. I think it should be a problem during all fo this. It's not like you weren't hurt But I wonder... what's beneath that anger? Anger is usually the second layer emotion (or third or fourth or..) and it's just possible that the anger is "hiding" something else. Is it? It's not like you would rationally want a person in your life who did what he did. So what is the anger really about? Some of it, I'm sure is directed (rightfully) at him. What about the rest?
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I feel like a joke
I get that. I've been there. Now own it. Own that feeling. And ask yourself, "am I a joke for wanting my family? For trusting somebody as much as I did? For taking a chance? For being loyal? For doing the things I felt were right and were supporting of my spouse?"
I know you feel like a joke and a cliche. I also know that you're not either of those things. We as a society often joke about things that hurt or scare us. Divorce is one of those things. A cheating spouse is one of those things. We laugh about it because it's how we as human deal with things that scare or hurt us. But when all is said and done, do you feel like you did your best with the information you had? If so, you're not the joke. You're the prize. Your ex on the other hand...
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I am glad I still have my sense of humor.
That's a great sign! A sense of humor is better than gold if you ask me.
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Well, xh didn't have much to say negatively about me
That's because it's not about you
The thing is, you're an upbeat and trusting person by nature. Or so it seems. But you need to be realistic as well. It can be hard when you're trying to maintain balance of emotions not to go one direction or the other. But honestly, being optimistic and realistic can go well together. Personally, I'm very optimistic by nature. And believe me, I could just as easily have been a sour old man after the last few years of my life. But like you tell your son, there are many paths. Don't stop trying just because one didn't work out. Life is all about the highs and lows and learning to cope with them IMHO. You try. You find a way that doesn't work. You try a different way. Rinse. Repeat.
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Really, it just helps me sort through it
And that is why I come back to these boards. To give back what I got when I was where you are at the moment. I've lived it and I know that when you're going through it, you "know" these things, but they seem elusive. I know it was for me.
There is no magic pill to make this stop. As Winston Churchill once said, "when you're going though hell, keep going!" That's appropriate in the sense that you're emotionally going through a tough time. We all do. But don't stop where you are. If all you felt was anger all the time, you know you stopped. You don't, so you're still moving. That's a good thing. If you keep moving, you'll eventually get to the other side even when at times, it feels like you aren't moving. Trust me, you are. And it never seems to go fast enough, but it does.
AJ
P.S. you do know your son watches how you handle things, right? He's going to learn from you how to handle 'difficult' times. Be a good example
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Mighty, I so get what you are saying about when the person who is supposed to value you the most does this..that it is hard to value yourself.
Here's what I know now. The lack of value for me from my xh is a reflection on him, not me.
The reason being is that we should never allow ANYONE to determine our worth. Nope. No one. We get to do that.
Your h made poor choices. But it is a lacking in him that he did. Part of the reason they go into crisis is because they dont value themselves. They are broken. They cant see the people who love them because they are too busy trying to fix what's wrong.
Who does what he's done? I mean, really. It is craziness. And she is as broken as he is.
Best to let both of them blow in the wind right now. You just get out of the way of the train wreck.
Start to look within, M. Find your own value. Dont allow what he has done to make you question who you are.
Hey, uR! "No... Sleep.... till Brooklyn!" Yeah- shout-out to Beastie Boys, uR. I am way on the other side of the state... WNY. Go Bills!- no wisecracks, now.
Thanks for thinking of me. I've been cycling a little bit.. or more. Some of the posts were deleted from the weekend. Once I got out of my own selfish thoughts and saw what was going on, I copied some and emailed them to myself. I am going to repost the ones I have. Unfortunately, not all of them went through. Boo hoo hoo.
Just seems like sometimes things are quiet and sometimes things are showing that they are (we are) going through a process. It just so happened that something was going on over the last few days. Maybe nothing big, but as we learn in MLC land, sometimes the smallest things are a sign of something- or other times it is to be ignored. That is the great thing about these boards, it helps you process them and gain perspective.
So below, I will post some of what was "lost" from the weekend that I do have. (All of this royally screwed me up. I had plans that AJ set me up with- some soul searching, then hearing from xh, then boards off. I swear, AJ, I am not procrastinating on purpose!)
