It's been quite a roller coaster the last year and a half. My story in a nutshell is that a year and a half ago my wife had an affair with a co-worker. I filed for divorce and this past March my wife said she wanted to make our marriage work. We went to several counseling sessions that were really rough as she basically said she was not going to stop talking to OM. We stopped going to counseling and things got better. We were going on dates, sleeping on the same bed (no sex though) and she was texting/calling me more frequent just to talk, calling me pet names, etc. Overall, it seems like progress has been made.
However, I've come to find out that she is still talking to the OM (going out for lunch, texting him, etc). I even found a recent hallmark card he gave her telling my wife how proud he was of her and that he will always be there for her, etc.
Overall, my wife is still very protective of her phone but I do get the feeling that she is "just friends" with OM as she is almost always at home instead of going out. But it bothers me that she refuses to cut off communication with OM. I know that if I bring OM up she will have a fit.
I feel like I am living a lie. While things are good on the outside, I feel like it is a huge sign of disrespect that she still keeps this guy in her life, even if it is just as friends. On top of that, she just moved into the same department as OM.
Am I just deceiving myself into thinking that this marriage is good when it is not? We going on dates, I am holding her at night (but she does give me the cheek if I go for the kiss), and we are spending more time together. At the same time, I make a considerable amount of $$$ and sometimes I think that she is staying with me to support her lifestyle (I basically pay all the bills, any discretionary spending, etc - so I do feel used sometimes in that regard but she does not make a lot of money). I wonder if I am just wasting my time, if I should just pretend that OM does not exist even though he does. It bothers me that she never admitted to the affair or taken responsibility for her action.
Sorry, but it sounds to me like she is cake-eating. You get no physical intimacy, she continues contact, you pay all the bills? It might be time to set boundaries -- no contact, transparency. So what if she pitches a fit? You're either prepared to continue living a lie in a loveless marriage, hoping that the tide will turn. Or, you can stand up for yourself and ask for NC and transparency. If she's not willing to do that, then I think you will know for certain that she is choosing him over you, and just using you for convenience. It's hard but true. I'm just a newbie, but there are plenty of other threads that address NC and transparency in "piecing." Best of luck.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks Ahoy and Labug. What makes this difficult is that superficially things haven't been this good for a long time (maybe my standards have fallen and I am just happy to eat crumbs). I don't know if I need to bring this issue up or continue to DB/work on making me a better person, going on dates, spending time together and hope that things turn around (which honestly, I think she sees nothing wrong with having OM as a friend).
I'll be very interested in what the vets have to tell you. I feel for you as I am in a very similar situation.
The fact that they cannot be apart because of being work associates makes it hard if not impossible to not be friends too. How can you work with someone that you have to un-friend and how can you know that if this un-friending happens, it is not just symbolic for the sake of keeping the house together?
It is a slippery slope. I feel that with all of the DBing and turning things around, the relationship could mend, but that still leaves OM in the wings.
I have very little to offer as I have asked myself and others the same questions. Is it cake eating or working toward a great relationship?
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
Thanks U-turn. I too am interested on what advice the vets can provide. I think this is a very gray line and it is hard to tell at what point are you DBing vs just being quixotic/naive.
Very similar to my situation but my W is just about to leave . She kept telling me that she will only see the OM at work and that he will only say hello to her . It's so hard when they work together and you have got to try and trust them . Problem my W has she isn't a very good liar and almost raises a flag when she has been up to no good .
And been having to put up with the whole being protective about the phone it never leaves her pocket or hand .
I suppose though you need to agree to what your happy with and if you do think it's about the money then you will always think that .
Me 40 W 37 Together 22 years S18 D12 WaW 12/08/14 after affair exposed , suspected for several months W returned home for 2 weeks to see if can handle family life After the 2 weeks she has left .
A friend of mine recently went through a similar situation with her H, although he did not have an A. A woman was hitting on him at work over the course of many months, even though she was married. My friend told her H that he should tell her to back off. He did but she persisted. Then my friend said that H had to get a new job if he couldn't keep the situation under control. And he did. But that's what can happen when both partners are committed to preserving the relationship, value their family, and are not in an A or MLC.
However, if your relationship is in a vulnerable place, then making demands like changing jobs might backfire.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
thanks for providing the scrabble word of the day (had to look that one up)
LOL - Glad I could be of service.
Quote:
But that's what can happen when both partners are committed to preserving the relationship, value their family, and are not in an A or MLC.
That is so true. Unfortunately, when this was brought up in counseling she had a huge fit and said she did nothing wrong and will not stop talking to OM, that they were just friends, etc. Since the counseling session (last one was in May I believe), the topic of the OM has not been brought up. My wife's best friend is a guy, she grew up with 3 brothers (no sisters) and in her eyes, OM was there for her when I wasn't (which is true) - so for her to break the friend with OM would be cruel since he was there for her - at least that is what she told me during counseling. In her eyes, she did/is doing nothing wrong.
