Train, roll on ...

[Train]

Oh no!!!!! It makes me so sad to hear that, Starsky. I don't know first-hand yet, but from what I know based on what so many others say about their feelings for their grandchildren, this MUST be breaking your heart.

Are you going to be the one to tell your wife? I'm sure she will be devastated.

I am so sorry.

[Starsky309]

Yes, when I get home. It's going to be gut-wrenching. She knows it's a possibility, but we'd been praying so hard about it and holding out hope. With everything going on with her dad's health (we recently moved her 92/93 year old parents in with us, and her dad has some worsening dementia and other issues) our little munchkin has been the one constant source of joy.

This "Pa" is just heartbroken today.

Sorry for the hijack. I've known since last Friday and haven't been able to say anything yet, as my daughter was waiting for some final details and I didn't want my other daughter's baby shower to be spoiled last Sunday. We do have the birth of that granddaughter -- due Sept. 30th -- to look forward to. But the whole family is so close, and my pregnant daughter is going to just bawl like a baby when she finds out her little niece is moving 1,000 miles away.

[Train]

No apologies, mister. This isn't a hijack in the least!

Your family sounds so close that *any* distance is too far. But 1,000 miles is a huge move. I bet your granddaughter isn't going to take the news well, either. My daughters and I lived with or near my parents the first four/five years of their lives. So I know EXACTLY what you mean when you say your wife is like a second mom to your granddaughter. And I'm betting you're like a second dad. Those bonds are intense and amazing. And I could see my (now grown) kids moving away from ME before moving away from my mom.

Dang, Starsky. Another sh!t sandwich!

I'll think of you - and say a prayer for you and your family - tonight. I know you're right: breaking the news won't be easy.

[Starsky309]

Thanks, Train. Actually I'm more like a FIRST dad, since her biological dad is barely in her life and my daughter's new husband has only been around a year and a half or so. The first 3 years of her life, I basically was the father figure in her life.

[Train]

Yep. Exactly how my dad was with the girls. Their dad was absent, too.

So that makes it even HARDER on you and your granddaughter.

In what state will they be stationed?

[Starsky309]

Great Lakes, in north Chicago.

[Train]

[Maybell]

Train, there's a new poster in newcomers named Bitzie who could use your unique expertise. Thanks!

[Wonka]

Train,

What you are really raging against here is the loss of "innocence" and the fact that your M is forever altered by your H's affair. I get that totally. We cannot ever recapture that innocence. And that stinks!!!!

As for you asking H about his affair(s), I think it is within your right to do so as you are not yet fully confident and secure. Perfectly understandable.

I'd suggest that you print off some articles from DearPeggy.com for the wayward spouse to read so your H can understand why you have those moments and feelings. I think H can stand reading these short articles. This isn't War & Peace, y'know.

Chin up, honey!

[Train]

Got it handled, Maybell! Thanks for the heads up!

Wonka, thank you so much for the validation. And yes. I think the loss of innocence is absolutely at the root of a lot of it. That and questioning if this is just a character flaw in H that pops up every eight years even though between those years he is largely amazing and loving and attentive.

It's so funny you mentioned Dear Peggy, because that's exactly where I turned yesterday evening. I had read a lot there during our S (thanks to your recommendation), but it was the perfect place that I had forgotten to go to read about the piecing stage. It helped put my mind at ease a lot. And I think you're right: H can read short paragraphs and (I believe) would really welcome that right now! He's being so patient and understanding and keeps saying, "I am willing to deal with the consequences of what I've done for as long as it takes you to trust me again." He walks on eggshells, too, but he's doing it because he's afraid he's going to trip my trigger or make me so mad that I leave. But I told him the other day it isn't healthy for either of us to walk on eggshells; OTOH, it's GOOD to stop and think about what we are going to say before we say it. That's a habit we can both develop and be better for it.

I rebounded a bit last night. H needed to go to the place he works to work on his car. I hadn't gone to a "garage date night" in a while, so I offered to go along. He lit up like a light bulb, smiling ear to ear. So I went and helped him out in ways I could. At one point, I mentioned that something he had said the other day in one of our conversations really resonated with me. Just hearing that made him perk up. That's because it's well known that I'm the one who reasons more and has "all the answers" around here; he's more spontaneous and adventurous and knee-jerky about things (and he lacks some social common sense - lol). He, unfortunately, feels very "inferior" to me, intellectually, which has sometimes presented a challenge in our relationship; he feels like he can't "measure up" to me and/or my interests, like religion and politics. (His insecurities are absolutely not my doing, just for the record; I ALWAYS tell him that he complements me beautifully and that he's the person who keeps my feet on the ground and reminds me to chill-out and have a little fun instead of keeping my panties in a wad all the time.) So anyway, I told him what he had said that caused me to really stew on some things in my life, like which direction I want my life to go (specifically, work vs. staying at home). And I said, "You were absolutely right." I'm not sure I've ever told him that something he said had caused me to think ... and that what he had to say was really powerful and valuable. I could tell it made him feel really proud of himself. And it took practically zero effort on my part to do it; I was just speaking the truth.

We left his work, and he said, "Thank you, Train, so much for going with me tonight. That was fun, and you helped me out a whole lot."

I actually just stood there and worked an air-gun to blow off all the shavings from his metal screw holes as he drilled. Lol. But, hey, if that's "helping a whole lot," then I'm happy to help!

So for future reference, I really need to remember that I can post here for help, too, even though I'm in piecing. I think it helps me find my center. Puts my head back in the game ... or at least keeps it screwed on a little straighter.

For that, I thank all of you.

Now Starsky, if you're still reading way down here, I've been thinking of you for 24 hours straight. How did yesterday go? How's your W handling the news of the move?