Thanks CaliGuy! That's a great story that shows how crazy these WAS are...
I just met with a mutual friend of WAH and me. She and her BF are old friends of H. She said that my H had told her boyfriend that he didn't care at all that he saw me kiss the guy but that it was rude of me. He also told the friend that things are not going well with the OW, although he still has strong feelings for her. He admitted that she was probably a rebound but that he likes her "better" than me, that she is more attractive than me in many ways - prettier, smarter, funnier. She wasn't a rebound because she was better... But she isn't interested in a relationship so he is moving on to dating other women. My friend said that he claims he doesn't have anything but friendly feelings toward me and doesn't miss me at all.
I would say that his behavior somewhat refutes these statements but who knows. Maybe he thinks that he is being a "good friend" by contacting me all the time and being upset when I don't want to see him. Who knows.
Not looking forward to seeing him tomorrow. Not one bit!
Ouch. Sorry you had to hear those things. That sure stings.
But I'll be honest. .. I don't think it was kind of this"friend" to tell you these things, And if it were me, I would avoid this person. I mean, who needs to hear things like that, even if they are "true"? Ugh. (And remember--believe none of what they say, or something like that)...
Please find someone or something to remind you of how wonderful you are... stat! (Seriously-- what did this "friend" say **after** the words, "he said she is better than you" ??)
I agree with Claire. Who would say all that? Plus, your H KNOWS they're going to talk to you at some point so do you think he's really going to divulge that he's only kind of happy with OW or that she's only OK-pretty or moderately smart? No, of course not. He's going to play up his "new life" as much as possible so people don't say or think "Dude, you're nuts. You left her for crap? Why?".
Ignore it. It's just filtered BS through your friends. It's still him. Ignore it.
Remember, your H HAS to say those things about OW to justify what he has done. Do you really think he would say to his friend "My W is much hotter, prettier, smarter, etc, than OW, but I decided to drop it down a notch because I got disillusioned?" Of course not. He has to justify to his friends, and more importantly, himself that what he did was right. He clearly is having second thoughts. I promise you that. His relationship with OW is on the way out. So who cares how great H makes OW out to be, truth of the matter is OW does not want your H. It will only be a matter of time before OW is on the receiving end of being uglier, dumber, etc.
You yourself know your characteristics outdo OW. For the simple fact that OW was willing to screw around with a M man tells you that you are a better person. Most men seem to have A with women 'below' their W. By that I mean not as attractive, not as smart, not as funny. Remember, he married YOU for these qualities. He was seeking something different.
Now your friend who told you all of this is kinda rude for saying it to you. Granted, you cannot shoot the messenger, but there is definitely a proper way to say these things. I myself was just on the receiving end of a 'friend of hers' telling me stuff, and the same thing...what she told this friend just did not make sense. Also since my W has not been open and honest with ANYONE including her parents through out this ordeal, why would this random friend be the only one privy to such inside info from her. I suspect the same goes with your H and this person.
I know it is tough. When I heard all of this, it put me in a funk for about a week. It stings and it rips at your gut, so I understand. But please learn from me that you really just need to brush this aside. It means nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Keep your chin up girl! You are a rockstar and he is just a groupie. Treat him as such!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Thanks for your kind words everyone. I was feeling really down.
Indeed it was not nice to hear these things, but I think my friend thought she was helping by telling me the truth. She is one of those brutally honest people who doesn't think much before she speaks. And of course I summarized a bit as well.
Since I was friends with the OW, I actually know how pretty, smart and funny she is. Very. We are a lot alike in fact. I wouldn't say she is better than me, she is she and I am me. She is definitely better looking since she is practically still a teenager. But I know that doesn't matter, and it doesn't even bother me that much.
I am more bothered by the claims of my H that he does not miss me and only thinks of me in a friendly way. Maybe I am insane, but I just don't believe it. Perhaps he believes that is how he feels, since he is deep in the fog. But for the most part his behavior toward me is not that of a friendly guy who doesn't miss me. I'm not saying he is pursuing me, but I don't think he is over me as he claims. It still hurts to hear it.
I've got to pull myself together for the moving day and be happy, relaxed and show off my GAL and 180. It's not going to be easy to be friendly and happy. My heart is heavy.
Thanks again for your support and kind words everyone. They help a lot.
How many guys tell their friends they got to 1st 2nd or 3rd base on a date when they got nowhere? How many guys tell their friends 'oh, I was not interested in her so I wont ask her out again' when the truth is she will not give him the time of day and he begged!
GUYS TELL A STORY TO SAVE THEIR EGO!!!
Go with what you know. At the party, your H CHOSE to follow you around. He chose to try to get in between you and others. Your H could have, IF he did not miss you, chose to spend his time with others at the party. But he chose YOU!!!
Do not let this get you down. Remember how you felt a few days ago. That was real. What you feel now is based on false information.
Cheer up!!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Well, WAH and I had our moving morning together. It was actually nice. haha. Of course you probably knew I'd say that, didn't you my friends.
I tried to put aside my anger, my hate, my sadness.. and just be positive and happy and show off my 180s.
I ended up bringing up the kissing incident and we had a short convo about it. I simply said I didn't do it purposely but that I could see how he would take it the wrong way. He said he didn't think I did it purposely but "some girls" he told said that for sure I was trying to get back at him, because that is what they would do. HA. So he told OW and other girls he is dating about this...? Funny. Whatever. I just said calmly that I don't know who these girls are and maybe they would do that but it is immature and I wouldn't do that. haha, got a little dig in there.
Anyway, that passed over uneventfully. We did our moving, we had some food, I saw his new house. I even jumped on his bed.
He was friendly but distant the whole time. It felt very friend zone. I did sit close to him to show him some photos on my phone. I was cool about it, very harmless, but after a few minutes he seemed to get uncomfortable for some reason and got up. Maybe unrelated.
Before BD we were always holding hands when walking together. It feels strange to me to walk next to him and not grab his hand. I notice now he often shoves his hands in his pockets when walking beside me. Awkward.
After we finished he gave me a ride home. An hour later he sent me a text thanking me for my help. Funny because he helped me move at the same time too so he doesn't need to thank me. So that was nice, and unexpected.
So here I am again with PMA. Up and down. I'm happy with the ups! I'm not sure what is going on in his wacky brain. I don't really believe anything I heard and I don't really know what to believe. I honestly think he is in a confused fog and does not even know how he feels.
Thanks again for your support everyone. Big hug, Lisa
So here I am again with PMA. Up and down. I'm happy with the ups! I'm not sure what is going on in his wacky brain. I don't really believe anything I heard and I don't really know what to believe. I honestly think he is in a confused fog and does not even know how he feels.
This is what you should focus on. You do NOT know what is going on in his brain, and of course he is still in his fog. But HE clearly had a good day with you today, and that will remain an impression in that messed up little head of his. Your H may have the same thoughts others here have suggested about my W in that perhaps they think there is no easy road home and is it even worth their emotional vulnerability to try? Not saying my W is there for sure, but I can certainly see how others might.
My 180 from the past few weeks, and maybe yours too, should be how can we continue our PMA, GAL, as well as show the pathway home is not as bad as it might seem. Not an easy path for sure, but not an impassible road either.
You sound like you had a great day and I am happy for you. Do not mind read into the little things he did or didnt do (get up after a bit while looking at photos or hand holding). There could be a million reasons, both positive and negative. In the end, take today for what it was. A good, good day for you.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Hi pilot, too funny! I just went for a jog. While I was jogging a random thought came into my head. Hmmm.. if he admits to himself or others that he still has feelings for me and maybe made a mistake, wouldn't that be really difficult? I mean, it would basically mean that he has to admit that he was wrong and that he really screwed up. And that would be really difficult to do. I'm not even talking about admitting it to me, just to himself.
Then I returned home and read your post. And it sounds like you are saying something similar. Of course I have no idea what is going on in his head but IF he did happen to have uncertain thoughts, have I made it seem an impossibility? Or is the hurdle too high to jump over?
The follow up question is: how to balance NC, GAL and all that with keeping the path open? How do I seem like I have moved on but still keep that candle in the window for him to see?
The answer might be to be mysterious. Go ahead and GAL, go ahead and not contact them, be happy and friendly when you do talk, but don't wave in their face that you are dating someone else. I guess you pilot have learned this in your situation with the LF.
I guess the answer is to have your own life but be friendly to them. My question about that is how friendly? It's very possible that my H just wants to be friends, which I don't want at this point. So if he wants to chat or spend time with me, how do I stay open to it without being too open...? Or is being friends really a bad idea?
One difference between a friend and a person of interest might be to always leave them wanting more.
Oh and by the way pilot I found your comment about guys telling stories to be so interesting. I always wondered about this as most girls will tell their girlfriends all the embarrassing details in order to get advice or sympathy.
Very early in my relationship with H when things were uncertain he was telling his friends that he didn't care at all about me and didn't want a relationship with me. But oddly, he was begging me to be with him and I was the one saying I wasn't interested in more. I always found it strange that he would tell his friends that he wasn't into me when he clearly was, all the world could see his behavior. I guess that explains it. Thanks pilot!
