Hi Maybell, Thank you so much for your wise words. I know you have been struggling with similar questions with your H. I really appreciate your insights.
I guess in a way realizing that he is (is being?) a crappy stupid person is at least a good first step. I have been so wrapped up in the day to day rollercoaster that I hadn't really stopped to think if he was an [censored] or not.
Maybe now that I have embraced my anger and disgust I can soon move on to really letting go and not caring.
I think someone else's thread was recently discussing how venting can be good and bad. I had a conversation yesterday with a friend about all the BS that has been going on with H and OW and I think that conversation got me a bit worked up. Probably at this point instead of venting to friends I need to just stop and tell them it is all good and I'm over it. People love a good bit of scandal and gossip and they egg you on with negative emotions. They have good intentions but the outcome is not positive.
It's funny how you can get a lot of good advice but until you get to the right place you cannot fully implement it. I give myself the advice to let go, detach, etc etc. I think maybe you have to go through the chaotic journey until you finally are able to reach that wonderful detached place. At least that has been my experience with past relationship woes.
Thanks everyone for the advice and support. Feeling better now! Hugs, Lisa
Despite all the negative emotions, keep doing all you have been doing. When/if he comes out of the fog, you may see the good him again. Besides, everything you're doing is for a better you, no matter what he does.
You'll know when it's really time to drop the rope.
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
Hi DB friends, I'd love your words of wisdom and support.
I'm meeting with the WAH tomorrow to do some moving. I am not looking forward to it at all.
I feel a lot of anger toward him lately. When I think of him I want to yell at him and tell him what a horrible, pathetic, selfish person he has been. So I am hoping that I can hold it together tomorrow through the moving process which will take a few hours.
To make matters worse, I just saw that he sent me a text message last week that for some reason did not go through until now. It was about the kissing incident from the week prior.
He said that he is angry. But not about me kissing someone but the fact that he thinks I did it on purpose. He asked if it was "payback". He said "I am a little disappointed by what you did".
The message infuriated me. First of all, that he had to let me know he was angry but didn't care AT ALL that I was kissing someone but only that I did it purposefully to make him upset.
Now as I write this I see that this doesn't even make any sense. He is mad because he thinks I tried to make him mad? huh? This is some circular logic. It also does not mesh with the way he was behaving that night flirting and like we were best friends.
But now I am mad. haha. If he is "a little disappointed" I am hugely disappointed so where does that leave us.
Luckily I did not see the message until now or surely I would have responded and we would have had a huge fight. Thank you universe for looking out for me. And now I know why I haven't heard from him in a week.
DB friends what do you think of his message? And do you have any advice for a response from me as I am sure he will bring it up tomorrow.
I really really want to cancel. I am so full of hate for him right now I just cannot imagine being nice and friendly.
Lisa, drop it! The anger will pass. The main thing I have to tell myself when I'm feeling angry is -- it's not doing me any good, and it will certainly make the situation worse with H. Put on a happy face, don't respond to his text -- that's in the past --, and "fake it 'til you make it."
Go forward with the moving -- if you cancel, he will read anger and resentment, and that could build for both of you. Think of it this way: it will be good to get his stuff out of the house if you are angry with him. Fewer reminders!
I personally am happy to have my H's stuff gone. I've even gone so far as to throw away stuff that I own that reminds me of him (cards, wedding dress, clothes, pictures). Maybe that's extreme, but I can tell you that it helped me.
So think of moving as a chance for you to have more space from him -- physically and emotionally. You just have to make it through the process.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Thanks Ahoy, you are right that canceling will show I am mad. And I am mad.
I know that he will bring up the text and the incident tomorrow. I plan to let him talk and my replies will be along the lines of "I'm sorry that it irritated you, I didn't do it on purpose, I didn't know you were watching, it had nothing to do with you".
I feel extremely lucky that I did not see the message. It explains why I haven't heard from him in a week and why when he called the other day he sounded nervous and tense. He was probably wondering why I did not respond to his angry text and expecting that I was now also angry. He probably expected that I would tell him to F off. But I was friendly and normal. Luckily.
It miffs me that he says he is angry because I did it on purpose but makes it clear that he doesn't care that I kissed someone in front of him. Seriously?
Obviously he cares or he wouldn't be angry about it! (If you didn't care about someone, would you care if they kissed someone else?) Don't believe anything they say, right? Even if he is upset that you are kissing someone else doesn't mean he wants to come back to the R though. It's a tough bind.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Let me see if I can help clear things up a bit for you. First, forget the words your H said. He is upset at you kissing another guy. That much is clear. He is upset because he was not emotionally prepared to see it, or to deal with YOU moving on to another person as he has. It stings. It probably would sting any WAS to watch their spouse with another person. Just human nature. What your H is trying to do is push blame, or make YOU feel bad for your actions. Maybe as an attempt for him to further justify his own actions.
As for what to say IF he brings it up, I would be calm, but honest. If he asks if it was payback, then ask him payback for what? Appear confused that he would even suggest it. YOU did not kiss this guy. The guy kissed you. You just got caught up in the moment. He was a nice guy, a hot guy, and he was making you happy. You acted like any single girl would have under the circumstances. You can apologize to him if it hurt him, and say it was not your intent. Tell him it has been exciting with all the attention other guys are paying and if your new 'single life' upsets him, that in the future, you will try to keep it from him so he is not hurt in the future. Your assumption all along was that he was ok with you moving on since he was the one who sent you on your way. No malicious intent involved.
But do not cancel your scheduled time. Remember no matter what, keep your PMA at 100%. He will probably want to suck you into a fight, to help remind him of why he pushed you away. Be cheerful, exciting, and if you MUST get away to avoid fighting, just calmly let him know you have made prior plans with a new friend, and you do not want to be late, so you need to start getting ready. Do not give any details if he asks, just say out, or early drinks, coffee, dinner, etc.
Last edited by pilot; 09/10/1407:12 PM.
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
One last thing. You do NOT know for sure the unanswered text is why he has not contacted you. There could be a million reasons why. It is possible, but you do not know...
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Good points! As I had some time to cool down I realized that my best plan is to PMA all the way. He will bring it up I am 99% sure. I will listen to his complaints and like pilot said just validate and act innocent about it. I realized that indeed he is trying to start an argument over this, and also to justify his own crappy behavior he is saying that I am a jerk. I honestly did not do it to piss him off and I didn't know he was watching.
I like the advice to say "payback for what"? haha. Sorry honey, payback would be sleeping with your best friend in front of you and then saying I'm in love with him and never loved you. Briefly kissing some random guy is not even close to payback.
As I had a bit more time to think I feel that he is upset about the kissing even though he is saying that he is just mad that I am trying to make him mad... What??? It made him angry for whatever reason when it happened, then he thought about it for a while and probably talked to his "friends" and they told him "oh she did it on purpose to upset you" and then he got mad about that.
I don't think that he didn't contact me because of the missed text message but I see that he was angry and that was probably why he wasn't being his chatty self this week. Of course other factors are always at play but clearly he is angry. He brought this up three times already saying he is angry about it, therefore I think it is safe to assume. Not that it matters, it was nice to have a break from his pointless contacting actually.
Tomorrow will be a challenge but when I know what my plan is I do better. And my plan is follow your advice. PMA, cheerful, innocent, calm, confident. Validate and listen. As long as I can maintain that he can't start a fight no matter what.
As much as I have been wanting to beat him to a pulp lately, I realize that being angry and mean is not going to accomplish anything. No matter what the future holds, maintaining my composure and dignity is more important than telling him he is a jerk. He won't hear it anyway.
Thanks very much for your words of wisdom! Hugs, Lisa
Lisa ... looks like you are on the right track. I had a similar issue recently .. went out to dinner with some old friends of mine ... nothing at all but catching up and dinner, just so happened all 3 of these friends were women. WAW was not happy, in fact she was very upset that I was out with 3 women... regardless of the relationship... like you I was WTF I did not say IDLY nor did I sleep with any of these women and shove your face in it. She was upset I went on a "date" with them .... I simply validated, told her I was sorry she felt that way (At the same time this was a great GAL moment for her to see I was moving on with my life) ... this .. like your sitch most likely confused the WAS... and that's what we are trying to do here, make them think about it, your H was not ready to see that ... accident or not ... and those emotions mean something ... if he was 100% checked out her would have shrugged it off and went about his day.
Stay positive, be mysterious, GAL .. 180 your tail off.
