Ok then it only got nicer because I'm pretty positive that she is not cutting all ties but instead just being more secretive by using a messenger rather than texting and is still friends with him on fb. She uses the excuse that she works with him not to sever everything but at this point I see that as a reason to continue unencumbered as you said.
I'm going to have to do some aggressive affair busting I think... I mean at what point does the BD discussion have to happen?
Well we kind of just talked about it. I said I was willing to work on the underlying problems plaguing our marriage before I left if she would tell the guy that her affair was over (which she hasn't done yet). I've made significant changes to how I behave and act towards her in terms of appreciation and treating her like she should be treated as a loving wife, but it's all been overshadowed by this affair.
If she won't tell him then I will, and it's not going to be polite. I've let her know that if she can't separate from him outside of the occasional work encounter (they work for partnered marketing companies) then the BD is coming on the grounds of adultery. I've been sleepless the last few nights thinking about what they were doing while I was away, I can't deal with it anymore.
If she won't tell him then I will, and it's not going to be polite. I've let her know that if she can't separate from him outside of the occasional work encounter (they work for partnered marketing companies) then the BD is coming on the grounds of adultery.
Rev, you and I stared here about the same time, so I'm new too and can't offer much in the way of advice but you may want to ask yourself if the above is likely to get you closer to your goal and if it is DBing- detaching, stop talking about the A or the R, etc. You're not going to be able to force her to end the A, and ultimatums usually don't work (I've learned that one the hard way). Chilling out and backing off is hard, hard hard but confronting the OM is only likely to drive the W to him. I thought I was at the end of my rope too, and I told the W I want a separation- now I've discovered new found strength here and I wish I didn't. Don't do anything rash or that is going to drive her further away. Wishing you the best.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
It sounds like we're going through similar things at the same time then. You're right when you said that ultimatums don't work, she's said yesterday and today after the second round of discovering sexting between the two of them that the rules I've laid down and preparing for separate lives has made her feel driven away and controlled. But at the same time, I can't in good conscience let an affair continue unabated while she's living under my roof (and possibly once I go back to work conduct the affair under my roof).
It sounds like we're going through similar things at the same time then. You're right when you said that ultimatums don't work, she's said yesterday and today after the second round of discovering sexting between the two of them that the rules I've laid down and preparing for separate lives has made her feel driven away and controlled.
Total wayward SCRIPT. Right up there with "I don't want to see ANYONE right now, I just want to be single for awhile (while they're busy fooling around with OM or OW)."
"Controlling" = "YOU WON'T LET ME CARRY ON MY AFFAIR UNENCUMBERED!! bwwwaaaahhhhh!!!!"
Well, looks like the BGP's are coming out. She just got offered a promotion to double her salary, and was told she's next in line for a regional management position covering 2 possibly 3 states. Crazy how that happens when separation becomes a bit more real. She's got a big event that I was supposed to go to in 9 days that the OM will be working too, so I just can't bring myself to go. Anybody have any experience with something like this happening, as in, what she might do next now that she will have a larger income and contribution to joint bills?
Rev, I can somewhat relate as my W was a SHM for most of the kids younger years, only entering the workforce on a part time basis about 5 years ago. A few mos ago, she received a new job paying double her current salary. I worried that this would lead to W getting her own place and feeling justified to leave me now that should could afford to be on her own.
I don't know what advice to give you, other than I tried to be supportive and encouraging to W. I made sure to ask lots of questions about her new job and I continue to do so when we're together. If nothing else, I think it's made W feel more comfortable around me and is helping build a bridge of communication between the two of us. Remembering and asking about even small troubles or challenges she's having shows that I care about what's going on in her life and is giving her someone to talk to
But at the same time, I can't in good conscience let an affair continue unabated while she's living under my roof (and possibly once I go back to work conduct the affair under my roof).
Boundaries are about what you can control- the affair will continue whether your "let" it or not. What you can control is where you live (or where the W lives, if she is willing to leave the home) while it continues. If your boundary is not living together while the A continues, then set that boundary, but you've got to be prepared to back it up by leaving yourself in the event she continues the A and doesn't move out. Otherwise, as has been pointed out to me, you lose all credibility. Just make sure that's 100% what you want first- everything I read here says its a lot easier to DB and GAL while you are together, and physically separating is perhaps best saved as part of TLR (The Last Resort) or going dark. It's damn hard right now, but it DOES get better and easier to deal with- that's what everybody here has shown me.
Me: 45 W:43 M: 15, T:21 2 Kids- S-14, D-12 A Started: 10/2013 Discovered as EA: 6/2014, as PA: 7/2014 A changing, not ending Start DB'ing 9/2014 Same house, same bed
