Return of the infidel

[wmwb123]

I think there should be consequences, even if small, to having an A.

[Starsky309]

I just want to make the AP uncomfortable to put more pressure on the A. The divorce will put pressure on the A, but I would like for the A to end before the D is final so that there is a chance for reconciliation without going through with the D.

And you think the mere technical ending of the affair will re-attract your wife to you? And that filing this legal action will aid in that effort?

Really?

Look, I happen to be a BIG "affairus interruptus" guy around here -- anyone will tell you. I am ALL ABOUT making things as difficult as possible for people to carry on affairs (blocking their IP address from using the home internet connection to send pics of themselves to their OM/OW, confronting them right before a big rendezvous to ruin their romantic weekend, etc.) . . . and I also happen to believe in legal accountability for adultery, including where possible jurisdictions having civil and even criminal recourse.

But I would ONLY do that if I was DONE, and I wouldn't look for it to be in any way, shape or form a tactic to re-attract my wayward wife.

For example, in my situation my wife's OM was going thru the local police academy, studying to become a cop. I found out that there is a formal review process whereby any private citizen can write a letter of objection (or recommendation) for any candidate, and that "moral turpitude" issues are given very careful scrutiny and taken very seriously. So I did that. Glad I did, and I would do it again. But I didn't for ONE MINUTE think that it would do a damned thing to re-attract my wife. At the point I did it, I was DONE. (we later reconciled).


Starsky

[wmwb123]

I don't think there is a chance of my wife becoming re-attracted to me as long as the affair continues. I think putting pressure on the A in any way I can is the only strategy I have.

[zew]

That will all come across as controlling, and would likely drive your W away farther, faster.

Depending on what state you are in, the standard for proving A is different. It is likely very difficult to prove. Also, in no fault states, judges take a very dim view of filing for cause of adultery, and they will reject your petition and have you refile as no fault, simply to not drag the AP's name into the record for something that you aren't likely going to prove to the standard of the law. This is especially true if you are in a state where establishing infidelity has little or no bearing on support/alimony/property division.

So, talk to a L and find out what adultery is really worth to you. Realize that it is probably ineffective as a way to end A, especially if AP is not married. And even if it scares away this AP, it may just drive your W to the next AP.

Also know that retribution by trying to hurt AP is not on your road to happiness. You have bigger fish to fry. Time spent on AP is time wasted.

[wmwb123]

But I guess forcing the AP to appear in court may give them a common enemy and bring them closer together at a time I need them to be drifting apart...

[Starsky309]

I just see way too many posts by you that seem to indicate that you think the mere ending of their affair would be some sort of "magic bullet" that would automatically make your wife "snap out of it" and be drawn back to you. Posts like this one are just one example:

My thoughts are this: My wife's affair has been going on for three months now (PA, the EA started six months ago). If most affairs end within six months, and I want to save my marriage, then I should at least try to drag the divorce proceedings out so that we do not end up divorced before those six months are up. Once she is no longer with the AP, maybe she will be more open to communication.

There's nothing magic about that "6 months" thing that gets tossed around here, and I've never even seen any research to back it up. And -- more importantly -- if you don't simultaneously WORK ON YOURSELF, your wife would likely turn to an OM2 even if she did end it with OM1.

I do firmly belong in the "you need to separate the addict (infidel) from the source of their addiction (OM)" camp, but doing that ALONE is not going to guarantee you any success, nmwb. I barely see anything in your posts that indicate you are working on the parallel path (GAL, self-improvement, etc.) necessary to re-attract your wayward wife.

That's not a criticism -- just an observation.


Starsky

[wmwb123]

Also know that retribution by trying to hurt AP is not on your road to happiness. You have bigger fish to fry. Time spent on AP is time wasted.

My primary intent would be to scare the AP off. The AP has shut down her FB account during the D process, so she must be paranoid about something, right?

I live in a fault state, and adultery is grounds for a fault divorce. Since they're living together, I think it should be fairly easy to prove...

[Georgiabelle]

Nmw,

I'm crazy logical. It sounds like you are looking for justice in this. The universe and life will teach your W lessons. I would not advocate doing anything that you will look back and cringe with embarrassment or would hinder R if that is what you want.

I don't think I said give up hope and I didn't see Starsky say it either. I said take care of yourself and focus on what you are doing-not what you can do to make her look bad. Hope is fine and have faith (in whatever you believe) that things will work out and you will be fine. Again, I don't see how contesting D or bringing the OM into this will yield results you are hoping for. Just my 2 cents.

[wmwb123]

That's not a criticism -- just an observation.


Starsky

I wouldn't take anything as a criticism. I appreciate your input. I am working on myself. I'm learning to cook, getting in shape (almost have six pack abs now) and volunteering at church. My WW never voiced any complaints, so I have nothing to go on in that regard.

[wmwb123]

Just my 2 cents.

And I appreciate your 2 cents.