Dealing with WAW part 6

[igit]

Pilot I wish I could go somewhere for a week. Rt now I am committed to taking kids to school in the morning. I like the idea I might need to figure out a way for a sub with kids in morning.

[pilot]

Just got a text from W. We had planned on going soccer supply shopping tomorrow with the kiddos and then an early dinner before I had to go to the coaches meeting. The YMCA sent out an email saying Dick's Sporting Goods is offering the YMCA soccer families a 20% discount this Saturday. So she said it would make more sense to go Saturday. I replied OK, but I still had to be in town for the coaches meeting, so if she still wanted to do an early dinner with the kids we can. She replied OK.

So, I guess that adds one more day to show off PMA and awesomeness.

[25yearsmlc]

Indeed it does give you another opportunity.

I wanted to mention two things. The GAL is NOT done for your wife to notice.

Granted, it's often a byproduct of GAL, but the main purposes of GAL is to help you detach, undermine her negative views (also the 180s come into play for this)

and to help you become the man you were meant to become. Further, at least some of these activities are for YOU as an individual to meet new people who don't know your situation and will thus help you detach more. You need to detach lovingly (not w/angry "indifference") and GAL helps with that.


For GAL suggestions, let me mention some of what I did when we lived in the interior of Alaska, even in the winter. had 3 kids including a newborn baby (so you know I don't want to hear about how you are 'too busy' to GAL).

Inertia and old habits are the greatest enemies to GAL. Overcome those, & you'll be well on your way to a happier more fulfilling life. IMO, the more you overcome inertia, the better your R's will be with all people, including your w.
So here are some of the things I did then, some of which I still do.

I volunteered at a battered women's shelter.

I coached a girl's softball team, two summers (my older D was on it).
I was on the board of directors for Wrestling, (b/c our son wrestled).
I auditioned for community theater and met some fun creative people. I got cast, too.

I did stand up comedy (and yes, I still do it). I did a whole set once on a MLCs at the Improv. It went very well.

I learned to cross country ski, & I got better at downhill skiing.

I Learned to hunt big game, to deep sea fish, and became a better shooter.

I learned to use a snowmobile (or a "snow machine" to Alaskans)
I loved riding it.

Learned to fly a plane, and I got a pilot's license.

Went skydiving. Loved it so much I did it again. And plan on doing it again, soon!

Edited a book. (The book ended up on the Best Seller's List. Who knew?)

I Worked out 3-4 times a week, and I really did get in excellent shape. Looking good made a world of difference to me. Found a work out partner and began socializing after the work outs.

(Plus I'd just had our last child and needed to lose the baby weight. It was not easy to do, let alone in the dark, deathly of their long LONG cold winters).

In the winter, I used a tanning booth, which helped me a lot with depression. I felt more energized, and it probably helped my appearance, which also helps us FEEL better.

Saw a therapist and for some months, went on ADs.

Took a pottery class (very odd for me to do, but I liked it a lot).

Joined the Officer's Wives club after 15 years of active duty.

(Wish I had joined sooner! Met two women who are life long friends to this day.)

Joined a writer's group

Took a class in Conversational French

Took a class in Italian cooking

There is more, but I just wanted to suggest to you a few things you can do that do not cost much.

In fact, other than pilot training, most of these ^^ activities were free, or really cheap.

[pilot]

Ok a slight blow to my PMA, but Ill keep it up. A text exchange just now. We were supposed to meet tonight for dinner with the kiddos before my soccer coach meeting. She texted out of the blue just now.

W: I am not going to do dinner tonight. Is your meeting at the Y?

W: The kids love playing there so we can come there.

M: Yes, the meeting is at the Y.

W: Ok, we will come there about 5:30-5:45

M: Ok. The meeting is not till 6

Oh well...

[igit]

Pilot. hang in there buddy! Who knows whats going through her mind rt now. Maybe be happy as a clam when you see her, show her that PMA and look into her eyes and just say its good to see you with a smile and leave it at that! Don't show her disappointment! You got 15-30 minutes to be the best you! Let her leave today with the impression what a great person you are. Give her something to think about when she leaves tonight

[pilot]

Ok guys (gals actually) help me do something we are not supposed to do. Help me mind read something POSITIVE about what could be going on. Because right now I can only see negatives to her recent (past few weeks) behavior towards me.

It almost seems she is mad, or at the very least distant. My gut is starting to tell me there is a new OM at least to some extent. Normally when our gut tells us something there is a reason.

So, help me find a positive spin on things. I know ultimately it means nothing, and all I can do is continue being the best I can be for myself. Still...a little help

[Tarheel]

Pilot, I'm probably supposed to convince you to just focus on yourself and continue to GAL, but I'm going to take you up on your offer to see some positive in your W's actions.

From what I've read (and somewhat experienced), the WAS has to hit rock bottom before things turn around. Maybe your W's bad mood lately is because she's hit rock bottom? Maybe she's going through withdrawal of giving up OM? Maybe she's finally realizing the consequences of her decisions and sees you in a much better place?

Weeks before my W 'agreed' (I use that term loosely) to work on things with me, I could tell she was hitting rock bottom- the tone in her voice, the way her emails came across. I could just feel her emotional instability in all interactions with her.

The point is it really good be anything, positive or negative. From my experience, a WAS's moods flow up and down without any clear indication of why. All you can do is keep on keeping on and not let her emotions effect you.

[pilot]

Thanks Tarheel. Probably exactly what I was looking to hear. Mostly about the mood swings. I am going to go refresh myself on your thread where your W was at this point and see how you handled it.

Thanks again buddy...

[Ss06]

Pilot,

At first glance I got nothin'. If I over analyze I don't end up thinking there's another OM, necessarily.

Maybe it's just me but I don't get asked out every day by some random dude so I'm assuming unless your W is on an active dating site or wearing a sign that says, "hey, i'm single, date me" she's not prancing around with another OM (especially if she has the kids a lot).

Her text, "I'm not going to do dinner" could easily just be, "my tummy is upset and I don't want to deal with diarrhea while in a restaurant." Not to be tactless but there are a 1,000 things one could interpret with that. She didn't say, "sorry, I can't do dinner, I made other plans" she just said she's not doing dinner. Maybe this is HER way of being vague so you'll do exactly what you're doing... wondering.

Show her it's cool. Water off a duck's back, my friend.

[Tarheel]

I am going to go refresh myself on your thread where your W was at this point and see how you handled it

Ha! I'm probably the last person you want to model your actions off of as I've waffled quite a bit. But I did finally reach the point where I was fine either way (D or R) so issued one last offer to W. My W 'agreeing' to work on things was probably a strange combination of me deciding I was reaching my internal timeline so was making a last ditch effort to extend invites to W, having a somewhat productive conversation with her, finding out A was a PA so deciding I was done (and telling her so), then feeling in my gut that I was being 'told' to give her one last chance to end A and work with me.

?????