Thank you both SO much, Georgiabelle and Tarheel, for responding quickly before I did something dumb and counterproductive. I really needed to hear that. It's just so hard to believe that the R is over, even though I know in my heart that it is. I want to keep the road smooth for him to return, but he will have to make that choice on his own. And I must, as you both noted, move on and do things for myself, regardless of his mindset.
I think I was just having doubts because of his "I miss our friendship" proclamation from over the weekend. I really should know better than to read anything into that.
Argh!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
It's just so hard to believe that the R is over, even though I know in my heart that it is.
Ahoy, this was one of the first things Georgiabelle told me. It was hard to hear but I knew she was right. And the further I've traveled down this road, the more I've come to see that not only is it over, it needed to be over for both our sakes. That doesn't mean that H and I can't build a new R someday. And that's why I'm standing, not for the old R, but for the possibility of a really great new one.
It is a hard truth -- but a truth nonetheless. It's good to hear you say that you needed it to be over for both your sakes. I didn't see that before (I had thought everything was fine, that he was just stressed from work), but now I see that I was in a relationship that was being neglected for whatever reasons. And so yes, for both our sakes, it's best that it's over. I just wish I had been given an opportunity to work on these issues, and that he hadn't made the decision on his own and without working with me on them first. But there's no point in dwelling on the past, since nothing can be done about it. I hope everything goes okay when you talk to your kids, rppfl. That is a difficult conversation. I will be thinking of you.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
It is a hard truth -- but a truth nonetheless. It's good to hear you say that you needed it to be over for both your sakes. I didn't see that before (I had thought everything was fine, that he was just stressed from work), but now I see that I was in a relationship that was being neglected for whatever reasons. And so yes, for both our sakes, it's best that it's over. I just wish I had been given an opportunity to work on these issues, and that he hadn't made the decision on his own and without working with me on them first. But there's no point in dwelling on the past, since nothing can be done about it. I hope everything goes okay when you talk to your kids, rppfl. That is a difficult conversation. I will be thinking of you.
Thank you, Ahoy, about the kids.
And I could have written every word of this post, how I thought everything was fine, how I used work stress to excuse behavior, how he had made up his mind before I had any idea what was going on. But the five months we've continued to live together after BD has given me a relatively stable platform to analyze our past R, and see him as he is now and not who I thought he was or who I wanted him to be, and especially not who I thought he was going to be when we were old. And it's opened my eyes. I wish the same thing for you.
Thank you -- yes, there was a lot of projecting going on. I was projecting positive qualities onto him that just weren't true. And perhaps he was doing the same to me. The scales have definitely fallen from my eyes, although it's hard to let go of the illusions of the past at times.
I thought I'd share a funny thing with you to brighten your day. H always went overboard on Xmas presents for me -- he is not a planner, so he would wait until the last minute, and then end up getting me something expensive and useless out of panic/guilt.
So this past Xmas he got me a kayak.
Without a paddle.
Perhaps that was a metaphor for what I could have expected in the coming year: being up sh*t creek without a paddle?
Anyway, I ended up getting a paddle and have been enjoying kayaking -- part of my GAL strategy.
It's just sometimes you have to get your own paddle if you want to navigate through the sh*t.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
You're going to go through a LOT of emotional phases, but keep the focus on yourself & your kids and you will be great either way. It's not easy but it's worth it.
I want to say more but at the moment that's all I've got, so just know I'm thinking of you.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thank you, Maybell! I'm trying to push through the emotional cycling and recognize it for what it is. It's helpful to know that I'm not alone in this process. I am so grateful to you and the others on this board. There's only so much my family and friends can take, and I know I can sound like a broken record at times...
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Best line ever: So after he leaves I spiral into sobbing depression. Talk to my parents a bit, then force myself to go out to listen to a polka band -- because who can be depressed when listening to polka.
About the 50th Celebrations, not all of those are happy marriages. Just sayin.
Leave your H to his journey. You can't change it anyway.
About dates for the holidays, maybe try something like "I need to make my reservations by <date>" If he doesn't have an answer, make your reservations. Don't keep bringing it up.
Now I'm off to listen to some polka! Roll out the barrel...
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
