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A Message from Michele
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To Pursue or Not #2484336
09/02/14 07:41 PM
09/02/14 07:41 PM
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Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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Arcola  Offline OP
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Hello, I'm a newbie. I'm currently married and my W of 8 yrs, 5 kids together, wants a divorce after me trying to change my ways after discovering she had an EA with OM; not physical at all. My ways have been that I didn't show her affection and now all of a sudden since there is OM she thinks it is fake. So along with my changing my ways I have also made the mistakes of an ultimatum, begging, crying, criticizing. Unfortunately for me the ultimatum brought us to the point of getting ready for divorce.
So lets fast forward. I've made changes and have bought DB as well as working with a coach alone. Things are a rollercoaster. Some days are good and others are bad as far as us talking to one another and getting along. Currently, the rollercoaster is at a high and I have been pursuing her through touches, massages and holding at night. However, she hasn't shown that she necessarily dislikes these acts and on a couple occasions she has complied right away with me asking. I've even asked her did she not want the massages since they were massages a masseur/masseus couldn't do in public and thats why I do them. She simply laughed and didn't say yes or no or that she hated them or wanted them to stop. So should I continue these acts until I see they are no longer effective, or am I completely wrong continuing this approach?

Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Arcola] #2484350
09/02/14 08:22 PM
09/02/14 08:22 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Is she still with OM?


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Starsky309] #2484354
09/02/14 08:38 PM
09/02/14 08:38 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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Arcola  Offline OP
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Yes, she is still with OM.

Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Arcola] #2486544
09/09/14 06:13 PM
09/09/14 06:13 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
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Cadet Offline
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Cadet  Offline
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Originally Posted By: Arcola
My ways have been that I didn't show her affection and now all of a sudden since there is OM she thinks it is fake.

Why did you not show her affection?
Was their a reason for this?
So now you are showing her affection, WHY - whats different besides the OM?

5 kids dont happen in 8 years without SOMETHING happening.....

I am confused.

Fill us in some more.


Me-65, D33,S32
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Arcola] #2486559
09/09/14 06:49 PM
09/09/14 06:49 PM
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Posts: 6,810
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Starsky309 Offline
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Originally Posted By: Arcola
Currently, the rollercoaster is at a high and I have been pursuing her through touches, massages and holding at night.



Have you read DB or DR? Pursuing is a huge no-no at this stage. What message do you think you are sending to her by trying to "cuddle" with her when she is having an affair??

I can guarantee you, she is thinking some combination of:

a) NOW he does this. It took me HAVING AN AFFAIR to get his attention;

b) This is WEAK. How can he not have more respect for himself? He knows I am having an affair and he's trying to snuggle with me??? WTF???

c) Arcola must be okay with what I'm doing. I've still got him as my "Plan B" in case this other thing with OM doesn't work out. (also unattractive)

Are you doing this as some sort of genuine self-soothing for yourself, as a technique to show her affection to win her back somehow, or because you genuinely WANT her at this point?


Starsky

Last edited by Starsky309; 09/09/14 06:49 PM.

M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Starsky309] #2486603
09/09/14 07:58 PM
09/09/14 07:58 PM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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Arcola  Offline OP
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Cadet,
I'm still trying to find the reasons I didnt show her affection like I should have. Reasons I've come to are that I was under constant stress (job, maintaining life status, foster care, time for myself). I believe I felt W and I didnt connect when I wanted to talk about those topics and how stressed I was. I find her very attractive, but I believe I was more focused on self wants and not her. Another biggie in the lack of affection was not showing affection in public. I know for a fact that was due to me feeling it was inappropriate around the kids as we never were able to go places much alone. So I believe that rubbed off into times when we just so happened to be alone in public.

I'm showing her affection now, because I fear losing the W I love. Initial discovery of the EA and discussions I soon realized my lack of affection to her allowed her to seek it elsewhere emotionally.

With the kids we had three birth losses before having our blood D. We later adopted my oldest D and are in the process of adopting 3 more. Moreover, last year we lost another child shortly after birth. So with the kids I think we grew apart as to how we grieved differently and not sharing some of the same wants/concerns with foster care. I'll just say caring for a child and not knowing if and when a child may go home to family or with who can be quite the rollercoaster.

Starsky39,
I've almost complete DB and plan on buying DR. You're right as how I'm being perceived by here. It is just so hard to detach in this way. Being a man and not having your W available on the emotional or physical level is so difficult to carry on with.

I do need to stop this no-no of showing affection while she is with OM. At this point though I feel I'm showing her that I have changed and also that I genuinely want her. Needless to say it does soothe the pain some being able to physically connect with W, despite me needing to detach because we are still in the woods.


Me:30 W:34
M:8 T:9
D:9 D:4 D:3 S:4 S:1
D bomb: 8/2014
S 12/2014
PA Confirmed in 3/2015 if I recall correctly
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Arcola] #2486627
09/09/14 08:34 PM
09/09/14 08:34 PM
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Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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I know this is hard Arcola (I went thru this too, 7 years ago), but you simply CANNOT turn to your wife to soothe you at this stage. As harsh (and sad) as it sounds, she simply does not have your marriage's (nor by extension, your family's) best interests at heart right now.

Your position needs to be "end your affair, and come back and work on the marriage with me. I think you will find that I am ready and willing to work on all issues, including my own contributions to our problems. But I'm not going to do it with a third person involved, and I'm not going to wait forever."


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Arcola] #2486631
09/09/14 08:40 PM
09/09/14 08:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Originally Posted By: Arcola
At this point though I feel I'm showing her that I have changed and also that I genuinely want her.



I find this hard to relate to. Knowing my wife was having an affair made her very UN-attractive to me, and I'm actually a pretty co-dependent/enmeshed guy. Have you talked to a good IC about this?

Somehow you've got to find a middle ground between "cold and aloof" and "needy/pursuing" here, Arcola. Cuz the former was a marital complaint of hers, and the latter she likely finds repulsive in her current wayward state.


Starsky


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Starsky309] #2486773
09/10/14 02:56 AM
09/10/14 02:56 AM
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 99
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Arcola Offline OP
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Arcola  Offline OP
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Posts: 99
Originally Posted By: Starsky309

Your position needs to be "end your affair, and come back and work on the marriage with me. I think you will find that I am ready and willing to work on all issues, including my own contributions to our problems. But I'm not going to do it with a third person involved, and I'm not going to wait forever."


Starsky,
Were you saying I should tell her that? I really don't feel we're at a point where I can set some boundaries. I tried setting some boundaries as far as how much my kids were involved with this OM's kids, but either she completely forgot or doesn't care what I say at this point.

Yes, it feels like she is and I'm letting her walk all over me.

For the past week or so, I've accepted that her moving and taking the kids is what she'll do and I haven't showed her much resistance. However, this past Sunday I agreed to see the house and maybe because I was slightly intoxicated started showing helpful interest in her decision to move. But, I'm starting to feel I shouldn't be helping her at all with this move. I go back and forth in my thoughts whether I should help or not. I feel I should help, because I fear she may turn to OM to help her move and in turn her more angry at me. I also think it will cause friction between us where one is trying to punish the other in any way they know how. Lastly, I think me helping will make the transition somewhat easier for the kids. But on the other hand I feel I shouldn't help, because this is clearly not what I want to happen with our family. Thoughts or suggestions anyone?

As I post this it is nighttime where I'm at, so I'm going to try my hardest to make no physical contact with her.

Re: To Pursue or Not [Re: Arcola] #2486777
09/10/14 03:01 AM
09/10/14 03:01 AM
Joined: Oct 2010
Posts: 6,810
Florida
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Starsky309 Offline
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Starsky309  Offline
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Florida
Thoughts? Yeah -- grow a spine.

Ask the women on here if what you're doing is even REMOTELY attractive.


M57 W 57; D30 D28 S24 S20 GD7 GD2 GD1 GD5m GD1m
BD 5/07; W's affair 5/07-8/07

At the end of every hard-earned day, people gotta find some reason to believe. (Bruce Springsteen)
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