That's very difficult and hard to know what is the right thing to do. A weekend camping with two teens who don't want to go sounds like a weekend to be missed! Maybe Mom needs to let go and allow them to feel whatever they want about you and her. If we try too hard they just dig their heels in even harder. I know when I started dating a lady and told my two daughters, their response was "you go, Daddy!" and they had no problems accepting SDA Lady. It's good to know that your gf's ex is being supportive too. Hang in there BA.
That's very difficult and hard to know what is the right thing to do. A weekend camping with two teens who don't want to go sounds like a weekend to be missed! Maybe Mom needs to let go and allow them to feel whatever they want about you and her. If we try too hard they just dig their heels in even harder. I know when I started dating a lady and told my two daughters, their response was "you go, Daddy!" and they had no problems accepting SDA Lady. It's good to know that your gf's ex is being supportive too. Hang in there BA.
Wii - your daughter's response is exactly how mine feel about me dating as well. They have been very accepting and they like my GF and are very happy that I'm happy. However, I understand that all kids are not the same and have different comfort levels when it comes to their divorced parents dating. I think I'm a bit more patient about this than my GF. Although I am not comfortable being in this situation of them not readily accepting me, I am more than willing to give them more time to come to terms with the relationship their mother and I have. I certainly wish their response was the same as my daughters, but it is "what it is".
So instead of a 2 night camping trip my GF has suggested we scale it back to just under 24 hours, leaving in the am on Saturday and coming back on Sunday around noon. I'm not sure I want to do this for a variety of reasons:
1) I feel like we are forcing two teenagers to spend time with us in an environment that they have communicated they are uncomfortable with. I think forcing or imposing or whatever you want to call it will just result in them pulling in the opposite direction.
2) I'm starting to feel like I'm being put in a position of trying to "win" their approval instead of just gaining acceptance of them. As a result this is making me feel a bit uncomfortable about a weekend camping all together. Camping for me has always been about a stress free and relaxing experience. This is feeling the opposite of all of that.
3) This is not tent camping. This is taking a 31 ft RV and it takes a significant amount of time and effort to get everything together to go camping for less than a day. Not to mention we would still incur two nights of charges at the campground since we would be checking in well before the 3pm check-in time.
My gut says to just cancel the trip. We can always go another time. However, perhaps I'm over thinking it or that this is just the easy way out for me and if we instead go and have some extended time all together it will result in a higher comfort level for them about the relationship their mother and I have.
Got a few minutes so I thought I'd check out what's happening today. Interesting.
I'm here to support your decision.
Quote:
I feel like we are forcing two teenagers to spend time with us in an environment that they have communicated they are uncomfortable with. I think forcing or imposing or whatever you want to call it will just result in them pulling in the opposite direction.
I agree with you. You had me on #1. The rest of your thoughts are all valid as well.
I have friends who were in your shoes and they didn't press the issue. I think the Mr. had a chat with the now Mrs.' kids and let them know that he wasn't a replacement for their dad and didn't expect them to think differently. He mentioned that their dad was always their dad. Even though I'm paraphrasing, you get the idea. He then asked them how they felt about their mom. He got the answer he expected. And he told them, "Then we're all on the same page. I love her too, and I want what's best for her and you. As long as you know that, it's all that matters." And he left them be for awhile. They eventually came around when his actions spoke for themselves.
They're now married, have a kiddo of their own and her kids are grown and flown the coop. They appreciate him. So hang in there. It can be done. And you're right about patience being the key.
I'd probably add into any conversation with the kids that you'll never ask their mom to pick you over them and don't need them to like you--that it would be really nice--but all you ask is to be respectful, because you think their mom is a rock star. And then let them mull and observe.
Unless the kids are poisoned by the ex (and it sounds as though that is clearly not an issue), they're usually reasonable about things. Cautious, wary and mistrustful are just how they protect themselves until they fully trust you and her.
Good luck!
Bets
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Thanks for the validation and chiming in Bets. I appreciate your thoughts and value your insight.
GF just sent me a text saying she wants to talk about this tonight on the phone. She feels we may be overthinking things. She's closer to the situation than I am, so I'll listen to what she has to say and then go from there.
We did end up going camping. GF talked to me and said that she misinterpreted her teens feelings about the whole trip. They were excited to go, but had commitments on Friday night (specifically her D17 who had agreed to babysit) so that is why they only wanted to go Saturday and come back Sunday. As luck would have it, my D16 said she was onboard with going if it was for only one night so I figured what the heck. We ended up having a really nice time and it was good to get everyone together. However, GF did say during the trip that she recognized how much time and effort goes in to getting everything together and that future camping trips should be at least 2 night trips.
In other news...my D17 is rocking it down at VCU. She had her first full Chemistry exam and aced it. She was so excited and let me know as soon as she received the grade. I'm so happy for her and ecstatic that she is so locked in on doing well at school. Must've done something right there along the way!
D16 is even doing well in her Junior year at HS so far. Aside from school work her main focus is getting her driver's license. She still has about 25 hours of driving to log and is going to do most of the driving to Columbus Ohio next month when we go and visit her brother.
Finally, GF and I have begun to do some long term planning, i.e. living arrangements, with an eye towards combining households sometime next summer. We have been dating exclusively since late February and honestly, she is the first woman I've been in a relationship with who I've not had any red flags pop up with. She is kind, considerate, caring and fiercely loyal to me. We like to do the same things, have the same values and goals in life. I can't imagine anything more that I would want or desire in a partner. So I'm thinking that I've finally found the real deal and couldn't be more happier about it!
It all sounds wonderful, BA! So glad for you I'm happy to see you two are looking at next summer re living arrangements...six months is still kind of honeymoonish (is that a word?) but no red flags is definitely a great thing!
It all sounds wonderful, BA! So glad for you I'm happy to see you two are looking at next summer re living arrangements...six months is still kind of honeymoonish (is that a word?) but no red flags is definitely a great thing!
Thanks Wii. I agree that anytime this year would be too soon, but I am very comfortable with planning for next summer. It gives us another 8 to 9 months of relationship time. Also we are both very cognizant that we are not the only two people involved in this decision. We have 4 teenagers that need to be on board with it as well, although two of the four will be partially out of the house since they are college aged. My D16 will be starting her Senior year next year and her S15 will be a Junior. I've been on my own for more than 5 years now and I'm excited for what the future holds. Time to put on my shades!
