Claire, FWIW, I've read tons of threads of reconciled marriages. There is one common theme: the WAS decided he was ready. Labug was pretty discreet in her thread. Hers is great to read for working on yourself. I dip into it frequently for that, and it is amazing how often I'll find something helpful for me on a rough day.
There is a thread on here I read pretty closely while I was still lurking, the LBS was butterflymom (BFM) and after R her husband joined the thread, he was favoriteweirdo. (And if anyone knows what's happened with them recently I'd be interested to hear).
Poor favoriteweirdo was so nice about explaining what it felt like to be him. He got inundated to the point that vets were chiming in telling him to pace himself. He fell on his sword many times. Basically he said, he got really important at work, came to believe he was king of the world, and decided nothing was good enough for him. He didn't realize he was just some schmuck till he lost his job. Then he was too ashamed of himself to come back for a little while, then he and BFM reconciled. He talked a LOT about shame in his posts. He talked a little bit about BFM paving the way, and he did give her lots and lots of credit for love & patience, but shame held him back for some time. And he found it hard to tear himself away from his OW.
Also JFred on Infidelity. Not so much because I think that's what your H is up to as that it's helpful to read the other side. JFred wanted to reconcile and his wife never wavered in saying no. He seems like a good guy and I feel for him.
It is SO HARD to remember that there is an uncross able space between us and the person we love. That that is the reason Labug and Underdog were so firm and full in their advice to me today to let go. That space is uncrossable. It is absolute. We may come together but we have to work with bridges each from our own sides and we can't come together till they build their half.
In the meantime we get to build other bridges too, and also guard rails to keep ourselves from plummeting to our DOOM.
Part of writing this to you is writing it to myself so I hope I don't sound too much like a know-it-all after the last couple of days of melting down. I'm fresh off reading all the kind advice I got today and also salving myself some from the thing with my parents. But it feels true to me.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
^^^Maybell, you are a beautiful creation who is growing right before our very eyes and I, for one, am grateful for the opportunity to watch you because it is teaching me SO much.
You have NO idea how much your struggle is helping others and while that's probably not much of a comfort right now it will hit you someday, when some of this mess dies down a bit, that YOU were the reason some of us continued to stand (hopefully) with the grace of imperfection. We are lucky to have you on our path with us.
Claire,
I have no idea what your spiritual tendencies are so please forgive me if I suggest something contrary to your beliefs but I would like to suggest you read The Untethered Soul. It's not a guide book to anything other than knowing yourself and learning how to take the suffering and make it "go through you" instead of stopping at our blockages. It explains how to s-l-o-w-l-y let go inside our selves owing nothing to anyone but our self.
When will I ever be truly detached? I think that when that happens, when I really don't have any emotional investment in him, that will mean I am DONE. I'm not quite sure how to detach completely without also completely giving up.
In the last few days, he has invited me out for the first time since BD, then cancelled b/c he couldn't find a babysitter (which tells me he wasn't trying too hard), to asking for a schedule change so that he could go to a colleague's wedding. And here I am, falling apart over that.
So I am not detached yet and I still an not ready to let go of my anger and I know it's holding me back. Plenty of personal work left to do.
I want to stop wearing my ring but I'm not ready to tell co-workers. ..
And also, he is not wearing his ring and dating, yet we are not legally separated, and his FB profile says he is married to me, and his Twitter pic is from our honeymoon. His google pic is also one I took of him from the trip we took while I was pregnant. It seems silly to get caught up on these things-- he probably doesn't even realize it.
If I point out any of this to him, he will simply change it. Is that what I want? Am I ready to announce to the world that we are through? OTOH, it feels disrespectful to me the way it is.
I probably should let all this go and not think a lick about it. But I'm having trouble with that today.
sorry to see you are struggling today claire. detaching is not giving up. I am sure others have told you this. in fact, you can be more motivated than ever to save your M and be very much detached. detachment just means his actions no longer control yours. For example, the pictures and status on his social media. Right now that has you worked up. And I understand why. But being detached means you would not be. It can come from an understanding of what he is going through and what his patterns will be, or it could come from true indifference. Personally if i was you (and I did this myself) I would not visit his social media. I went as far as blocking my W simply so I would not have a million reminders popping up every time I opened my facebook. Believe me, out of sight out of mind really really helps.
I know you are upset about your 'date did not come through. But try to keep looking at it as a positive. He did ask you. That is a big step from where he was months ago.
Keep up the good work claire, you will be just fine!
Me: 42 W: 32 Married 7 years together 8.5 S1: 7 S2:7 Bomb #1: 09-16-13 Recon #1: 11/13 A discovered 04-03-2014 W filed D 05-19-14 but never served me I filed D 12-02-2014 S 05-31-14 Divorced 5-19-16
Also wanted to say thanks for all the great advice and comfort.
Ss, I am pretty agnostic, and actually find great peace and comfort in the "be a good person and leave the world better than you found it" kind of mentality. But its because that's what gives meaning to my tiny inconsequential life in this universe, not because some supernatural entity commanded me to, or because if I don't I will suffer for all eternity.
I will check out the book you recommended.
Pilot, great points. Most of the time I'm totally fine and mostly detached. But then, some new thing comes up (like him attending a wedding without me), and I'm confronted with it all over again. It's just not a linear process, and that is ok.
Hi Claire, I hear you! On some level I get the difference between detached and done, but I just don't know if there is a difference for me. I feel like when I make it to detached I am really DONE. But all I can do is at least pretend to be detached. I have even started telling friends and loved ones that I "don't care" about him in so many words. Even though that is not always or even often true.
As far as your H's social media pics, mine is the same. His photos on facebook are all ones I took. And I even saw his online dating profile and his pic was from a romantic dinner we had recently! It was like "hey ladies, insert yourself here in this romantic date I had with my wife".
I also get what you are saying about random things setting you off. The other evening I saw some fireworks. This suddenly reminded me that WAH and I watch fireworks together every new years eve. And I thought "oh no! NYE is just 3 months away and won't I be horribly depressed!?!!" and then I got depressed. Great. 3 months early!
Stay strong and as pilot said look at the positive - at least he did invite you out on a date! Baby steps!
That is a lot of social media to keep track of. If you were looking at all that, no wonder you're not detached! Don't feed the beast.
I took my ring off today. Nobody said a word.
Do what you need to do for you. Anybody who points out that your ring is missing is VERY inconsiderate -- like rubbing a round belly and asking when you're due before they know if you're pregnant.
And you know how to treat someone who would do that.
Hugs to you, Claire!!!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Just to clarify-- he barely posts anything at all. In fact, I wonder if he's somehow removed me from viewing his posts--or maybe he is just not using fb. He tweets occasionally. And the google pic-- it shows up with every email and text or (hardly ever) phone call. That one is hard to avoid. It's a silly picture I took during a trip we took while I was pregnant. It was a great trip and a happy memory, and I hate having to see his stupid grin in that picture and be reminded of him and my old life, especially from when I was pregnant, all the time. It represents such a hopeful happy time.
