WAW, she had an affair, separating to "think"

[Dpthght]

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature, and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.

I love this, that and the lighthouse post keep me going even though I am rapidly heading down the path to D filing. I wish my W was able to read some of the things said on here.

I wish you the best of luck

[jb13529]

Well, I will post here as a journal as well, especially since everyone here knows what this is like.
It's been a month since I've known my wife was no longer completely mine, and it's so hard to accept.
She is still home for the moment, and we talk like there is a possible future for us after she's figured out what she needs, and it feels so unfair.
I know I just need to take care of myself for the time being, and not try to fix this. But it really hurts. Deeply and completely.

[bashy]

Keep the head jb. Detach. Enjoy any time u feel like u can. I'm thinking Of you.

[jb13529]

wow, this forum is the absolute best. And I brew beer. And go on beer-making forums. This is incredible support.

[Casey]

Maybe I will have to take up beer making now my WAW is finally going to be moving out. Have to do something with all that available space once her clothes and shoes are gone!

[jb13529]

Any advice on if I should go to her nephew's birthday party? We are on good terms with everyone, and she still insists that what she is looking for is to know for sure that she wants to be with me as a whole and independent woman.

[jb13529]

And brewing beer is a great time-consuming strategy

[Card29]

And I'll post this separately since it is purely my opinion. I don't think kids or logistics are the biggest reasons to stick with a dying M. The biggest draw, for me, are the testimonials of those who have made it through the lowest of lows. Their love is deeper and more meaningful than ever before, and they are all thankful for their adversity. To quote Bruce Lee (2nd time I've posted this...):

Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature, and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.

I love this!

Thanks for the uplift!

Go read some more Bruce Lee quotes. He was deep!

[Card29]

Wow, amazing responses all around.
I have not been able to detach very well yet, but at least we can now speak with respect and love for one another. (Was difficult at first)
She is just adamant that her only way through the pain and suffering she is experiencing is to have her own life for a while. And that life is going to include OM (at least a little, he's not that interested) and possibly other men.

I need a game plan for when she leaves. I know we aren't in the LRT place, I just need to figure out:

1. How to express that I am not condoning relationships with other men during our separation.
2. What our interactions should be like, a week at a time.
3. How to detach. (I've got a full plate- job, night class, and startup. I'm also working on new friends, develop family ties...)
I seem to be able to GAL better, but I still am worried to death about her time with other men.

1. Again, it's just what I would do, but I would tell her that I'll have no direct contact with her while she is in or pursuing A's. I've seen stories on here of LBH's strung along for years in that situation if you let them "cake eat", which is letting them get physical and some emotional needs met by OM, and whatever else they need they get from you since you are desperate to please them. That's one strategy, anyway. Vets might have more wisdom for your specific sitch.

2. See above for my opinion. But your situation is a little unique compared to what I've read about so far. Most WAS sitchs that involve A's are usually active A's with a specific OM/OW. That is cut-and-dry for me: No contact until that A is over. For someone like your W who is not in an A but is openly pursuing one? Not sure. See my registered date, though...I'm no vet.

3. That is a pretty full plate, but I've found that you don't need tons of time everyday to detach. If you can find one or two things to do once a week that really get your mind off of things, you might find that throughout the rest of the week it's easier to detach because you're looking forward to those couple of things. I joined a coed kickball league with a group from work. It's only once a week for an hour, but I'm on a high the rest of the night after it. Then I have great conversations with coworkers about the game and post-game activities throughout the week. Here are a few of ideas:

- Coed kickball league! Haha

- Do you work out? If not, find a way to get to a gym or a park for an hour, 3 days a week. If you can't afford a gym membership, check out some bodyweight fitness routines - You can workout for free on a playground or in a park. Or spend that hour with cardio - running or biking. Whatever you do, work out HARD. If you're lazy in your workout, it won't do you a ton of good physically, and your mind is still free to obsess over your WAW. Workout so hard that all of your mental energy has to go towards your workout in order to just make it through. Trust me, it helps. You will be distracted during the workout, you'll be exhausted after, and you'll feel great about yourself once you recover or wake up. That feeling might only last a few hours but it's better than wallowing in misery the whole time.

- Try to spend at least 1, preferably 2+ dinners/lunches per week with one or more people, preferably people who aren't going to grill you about your sitch.

- Try to take a little time each week and take the focus off of yourself AND your WAW. If you are a believer, ask friends or family for specific prayer requests. This has helped me get my mind off of myself and has helped me remember that I'm not the only person in the universe, nor am I the only person with problems. If you aren't a believer (or even if you are), maybe find a way to volunteer for an hour a week instead. Keep your heart, eyes and ears open to ways to serve needs of people you know. I found out a coworker's wife is due any day now. I offered to make them dinner one night once they're home from the hospital. I am not a natural cook, so it will take some mental focus for me to gather the necessary groceries and to cook and deliver a hot, healthy and delicious meal. That mental focus is energy I won't spend obsessing about my WAW. Or maybe just walk around your apartment complex, school or work and pick up litter (if I did that, I'd need to blast some heavy music so my mind wouldn't wander to a dark place).


In general, for me, the best detach strategies have been things I've never done before and have never even considered doing. So think outside of your box, as far as possible!

[jb13529]

Thanks for the amazing advice. I am not sure that I want to continue in this poisoned relationship, but I have to detach regardless. The above is absolutely helpful.