MY TRAGIC WAW STORY PART IV

[pilot]

There is no specific formula. So what else can you do? Nothing. Do nothing. Sometimes doing nothing is better than doing something. You are looking for a way to win her back and that is the wrong approach. You can be pleasant and kind, but treat her as if your time is far too valuable to spend on her. Her emails and calls do not rank high on your list of priorities to respond to, if ever. In fact, I would probably let a few go unanswered. My bet is that she will really push the whole 'why are you ignoring me' and try to guilt you over it. All she would be doing is tugging on the leash she knows she has you on. You cannot get her to let go of the leash, but you can certainly take your collar off and just walk away.

[ItHurts]

Ahhh so I should ignore her then. See this is where the confusion sets in. Mr. Bond told me last week to go dark. I replied saying I should ignore her then. He told me there's a big difference between ignoring her and going dark. That going dark means she isn't my top priority (ie: immediate replies, etc.) so that's what I've been doing. That's why I don't reply to her right away. That's why I don't seek her out. But outright ignoring her is something I haven't done. However in terms of everything else you guys are saying I have been doing that. I never reply to her right away, I wait hours. I never seek her out or contact her. So I don't understand how WAW can think she has me on a leash when I am doing these things. She doesn't know the things I talk to you guys about here. As far as she is concerned I can live without her. She has no reason to think otherwise at this point as best as I can see. I just don't see what I am doing to make her think she still has me on a leash as I only open up about these things to you guys here...she just sees a me that's happy with my life and perfectly fine without her. She sees me starting something new with someone else I've been seeing. I act like I don't have time for her. If I was calling her, texting her, popping over her parent's house, acting excited when I saw her then I would understand...but I do none of this with her in any way.

[paul19510]

IThurts, my situation is trending towards a final divorce. In looking back at what others have told me tbjs yesr while i have been here, its really more about YOU. you are not really going dark or ignoring her for any other reason than its just a healthy way to proceed with your life. Ultimately, you are just moving forward in way that is healthy and happy for you. Move on...not as a tactic to get her to react to your actions...just move on to feel better and seek out a fulfilling life given today's circumstances..i.e. she is not here as your W and she is moving away. So, how will you live a full life with this in mind?

[ItHurts]

Oh yes Paul that is something I've read here many, many times here over the past few months and I am aware of that. Anything I do must be for me and if it happens to affect WAW in a way that is positive for me that's just a bonus. But yes, it has to be about me and to be quite honest, although I want her back, I am capable of living without her...I mean I have gotten used to it now. It's been since May and I have my own routines and things. So I don't mind it...I mean I miss her of course, but I don't allow myself to constantly allow my actions to revolve around her. It's just that when I am here on the DB boards she is obviously the topic of conversation. But when I am not here I am doing my own thing. Days and days and days go by without her around so I am accustomed to it. I do go out with my friends regularly, I am learning to play guitar, I have a lady friend I spend time with so I am not sitting around moping over her. It's just when she does make contact, or in this most recent case has the chops to actually show up in person, it kind of annoys me.
I am not afraid of my life once she's gone to Florida though. I am more afraid for HER life. I think she's making a huge mistake. But yes, I worry about me and my life. I am still relatively young and I have a future to think about...with or without WAW.
What I have to learn to do however, as the others have said, is when WAW DOES come around or contact me, to just not think too deeply on it. I can't make sense of nonsense and that's really where my stumbling occurs. I try to rationalize her actions and as Sandi and Pilot said...you simply can't make sense of nonsense so stop trying. That's where I get hung up. So next time she texts me I am not replying until at least the next day. If she shows up in person again...well that's why I asked Sandi earlier how I should handle that. That is really the only thing I am unsure of at this point. But when she goes to Florida, I will be fine. It's not like I see her all the time anyway so my life, from my perspective as I've gotten used to it, won't really be all that much different at all.
Thanks for your time and post Paul! I appreciate it. I am going to take some time and read up on/catch up on others' sitches here soon and I will be sure to read your story as well. Thank you!

[sandi2]

ItHurts, I was not referring to how you acted when she went by the store. Wow, do you over-react or what! No, I was referring to you asking why she's doing this, and asking what is she doing or thinking. You conducted yourself fine in front of her, but it's when you come here you have the same questions over and over. I felt I had tried best as I could to answer them, but the next time it's the same. That is what I meant when I said I wondered if you remembered. I mean, with each incident you act as if this is all brand new to you. If that's your way of letting off steam, then I will stop taking your questions seriously. Just tell us that's what you are doing.

As I recall, you have done this before with other posts. You misunderstand one little sentence and run with it, as if you didn't digest the rest of the post at all. The tone of your writing almost has a hysterical sound. But then, that would be me jumping to the wrong conclusion.

Maybe read what I said again, without thinking it refers to how you acted around her when she dropped by. See it as me trying to answer the questions you had frantically asked about her.

[sandi2]

That's where I get hung up. So next time she texts me I am not replying until at least the next day. If she shows up in person again...well that's why I asked Sandi earlier how I should handle that

That depends on the route you want to take. As I said, the way you acted with her when she surprised you coming by the store, was great. If you had pretended to ignore her while she was there......that would have looked silly. So if it happens again, I would say to keep it business friendly, as if she were any other customer.

I think you need to forget about returning her calls, and returning text & emails.....even a few hours/days later. It may appear you are temporarily unavailable, but IMO it isn't going dark (if that was what you called yourself doing). But for sure, it isn't working very well, for you. Maybe you need to forget about what to name it (the method you choose) right now b/c of the confusion. In my personal opinion, I think you need to consider the option of not returning any of her contacts to you......if you do not want this same old stuff to continue after she moves to FL. You talked as though you didn't, and you can bet it will continue, if she doesn't see it won't work for her. As long as it works for her.....she is going to contact you enough to keep you tore up all the time.

I would suggest if it is not a true emergency case, you let it ride. Oh it will make her mad, count on it. She'll blame it on your new lady friend, or whatever it takes to get you to respond. It's like a child wanting attention.....negative attention is better than no attention at all (in her mindset). If she finds you in person and asks why you aren't responding, you simply tell her you are not doing it anymore. You are moving on and she's moving to FL.

Like I said, friendship doesn't work at this level. Unless you want the kind of MR I previously described, then she will have to see that what she is doing now doesn't work any longer. As long as it works for her (she gets her needs met from both sides of the street) then she will continue doing the same old stuff. That is how the cycle is broken!

I think she is going to have to get a taste of bad reality to shake her senses back. Until then, she will try to wrap you around her little finger. And.......she has worked you big time! Just a few weeks ago, she had you confessing that some program was to blame for how you had acted. You believed DBing wasn't for you. The two of you talked for hours and slept together. You were so excited b/c she wasn't the same WAW that she had been earlier. You were in the process of wishing us well, b/c you thought you two were on your way to working things out. But before you could tell us goodbye, she was saying she felt she still had to go to FL. Every time you thought you were telling her goodbye for the final time, she would find some excuse to contact you again.

That's why I said you have to decide about your plan of action. You can't ask for minute by minute instructions. Not that people here won't try to assist, but you won't know your own mind. You will just be blindly doing whatever you hear next, and everyone here doesn't always agree about every move to make. Then you get conflicting advice mixed up with your feelings. Am i making sense? In other words, I want to see you have some sense of direction based on what you have learned in divorce busting, rather than a temporary patch to hold till the next thing happens. Look at the track record and let it speak for itself.

Now, expect anything from her next. She broke the ice (she thinks) by her surprise visit, so she will contact you soon. Do not let it catch you unprepared! Figure out "now" what or how you will kindly tell her you are not interested in a friendship at the present time. It is too difficult and the definition gets too blurred and for everyone's sake, it is best to take a break. (But I am sure you can word it much better than I can. )

But before you do any of this I have suggested, you need to take time to think about what you are going to do (which direction to take). Don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want you to blame the program or any person if it doesn't go the way you wanted. Bottom line, it is always your decision.

[ItHurts]

**Just saw you posted again as I did Sandi...this reply was to your first post above**

Okay I see now. This where I'm dense about this...so each and every time she contacts me, be it in writing or in person, is she keeping me hanging on or "trying" to keep me hanging on...from her perspective? That's what I never know. I am assuming if I conducted myself "properly" around her, then she leaves that particular contact with me failing her mission correct? Meaning she leaves saying to herself "I don't think he's going to be Plan B." Likewise if I screw up, her mission is successful because she got an emotional response out of me.

So using last night's store visit as the example here, you say I conducted myself fine...so can I assume that WAW left NOT getting that satisfaction of knowing she still has me secured as Plan B? That's where I get confused.

I do understand what you are saying though, that when she initiates contact, she is trying to see where "I'm at" as far as still being Plan B if Florida doesn't work out. The question is how do I know if "she won" or "I won" in those contacts? So last night after she left the store, do I walk away proud of myself for standing my ground and seeming to be not too invested in whatever she does now? I just need to know that I am NOT allowing her the satisfaction of me being Plan B. So I assume playing it cool like I have accepted things and moved on prevents that.

[sandi2]

Our posts crossed paths. Please read what I just sent above you last one.

[ItHurts]

WOW Sandi! That second post above was brilliant and so eye-opening. I would NEVER blame DB or any person here for anything because ultimately it is ME ASKING for advice. That would be unfair. I made the mistake once of questioning DB'ing because I was shocked when WAW told me she was so mad I didn't try romancing her back. Then, of course, as I admitted you guys were all 100% correct...she went WAW again. So the main core of my issue is this friendship thing we agreed to. It was a bad idea. Trouble is how do I now change my mind again with her? First I didn't want to be, then I did, now I don't again. She did say something to effect that me not being friends with her really made her doubt that we could ever R. So I think I got lured in by that.
In any event the present course of action I have decided is to just tell her that I don't think we can friends now after all that's happened. It's best we go our own ways and live our own lives.

So if I decide that course of action...say she texts me tomorrow...I should just ignore it and that's it? If she shows up in person I will say the friendship isn't going to work, I can't be friends with you and move on at the same time. It's not working and I want to devote my time to my own life now...not yours. Maybe something like that? Then let her go. What will she do then? Send nasty messages as you suggest? I ignore those too? When, if ever, do I get my cue (aside from emergency situations as you stated) to actually give her response? I assume if she moves to FL and hates it there she's going to want to move back here near her family and that surely means some kind of contact will be made with me...probably real R talk. If I am still willing to work on R with her, how would I know she was "legit" and therefore know when to reply?

I ask these questions because if I do go the no friendship route with her, I know she's going to send some really nasty message saying stuff like "after 18 years you treat me like a piece of crap" and such things because I won't meet with her for a "good-bye send off" before she goes. You're probably going to tell me to just ignore those too. Sad part is I do want to see her before she goes, but I don't at the same time. It might set me back again. It's so hard, this move to Florida has really made things so much harder.

Thanks again for that awesome post Sandi,really, it's just what I needed/wanted to hear, my questions answered as to what's been going on.

[pilot]

IH, Ill throw in my 2 cents on how to react if you want to follow sandi's advice. Maybe she will chime in and say I am wrong, but if she posted the above on my thread to me, here is how I would handle the scenarios you posted.

She texts me tomorrow. DO NO ANSWER. In fact, do not even read it. Delete it before reading it. her words cannot influence you if you do not read them.

She shows up in person. SMILE, and treat her like a casual friend or even a customer. After a brief interaction, say you have some work to do...inventory, or something. Cut it off and send her on her way. And in NO WAY engage in any relationship talk or any talk other than pleasantries you would share with a random customer. I would NOT even tell her your friendship will not work because all that will do is draw you into a conversation you will end up exposing your current state of weakness/confusion. You do NOT owe her any explanation about how you are going to work on your life. You owe her nothing other than a smile, and a 'thank you for coming in, have a nice day'.

If she sends nasty messages...well you should not even know they are nasty because you should have deleted them before you read them. PLEASE try this. Resist the temptation to read anything she is writing. She is a master at manipulating you, and until you break free of this hold she has on you, you will fall for her words every time.

Anyways, this is what I would do if sandi told me what she just told you.