I am the prize

[ForeverYoung]

FY- you're right, I went into fix it mode. Ackkkkk! I need to wack myself with the patience shovel!

Don't whack yourself too hard, you're learning. My mistake was ending up in "convincing mode" any time we had a R talk. I'm better now but still have to be careful. You can't convince 'em back!

[daring]

Quick update- not much to report but need to vent just a little bit....

I've been working like crazy so didn't get home until late last night. H didn't mention the " text R talk" at all and I just left everything alone as well.
After bringing kids back from dinner he said he had to go to his house and clean and pack b/c they are doing an inspection on Fri. He said he figured they will let him know if he needs to move out this weekend. ( he's got a month left on lease but trying to get out early since he has no job now, they keep going back and forth).

I said " ok do we need to make some plans for you?", he said " I have no plan. I figure I have so much travel over the next 6 months for speaking engagements and potential consulting work I might not need a plan."

Oh really? So you have no home, no job, if I hadn't kept all our accounts joint right now you would also have no way to eat or front some of your travel until you get reimbursed, ( to be fair he is being frugal though) but it's ok to not have a plan and have me to fall back on even though you have disrupted our whole household and lives.....

But don't worry- I said none of that- I said " oh, ok". And then STFU.

It's not my nature to truly pull the rug out from under him, though in a very hurt state I may say or do something like that temporarily. I have grown and know that doing those things only hurts me, and I actually feel a little guilty for having these feelings, but I'm frustrated and low on reserve since I'm working MORE than usual to try and pay down our back taxes. I need some grown up support for my own stresses too!

There are some days it seems like he wants to come home but is scared. At least he's not trying to run away anymore, he's just avoiding.
I'll just add him to the list of teenagers in my life for now and hope he keeps moving forward slowly.....

[daring]

R talk alert, again......

Don't even know where to start- H kept saying he wanted to talk. I left it up to him to start. So tonight he started talking about our previous text R conversation as well as what he would do when his lease is up as far as where to live etc. He talked about potentially staying in our house ( other room) for a little bit but if he does that it needs to be short term b/c if he comes back to house it should be to fully come back, and it would be too confusing for everyone..... Etc

Then kept talking about how he felt like he needed to make a decision, so that everyone could move forward. I threw out a couple truth darts about how everyone was still going to have some confusion and turmoil no matter which direction things went, and that I didn't need him to make a decision for me to move forward, I would be fine no matter what and if there came a time that I felt decision needed to be made I would make it but for now I'm ok where things are. He talked about how he is learning about how much all his past ( childhood, military career especially) affected him and how some of our issues made those triggers worse. He knows he has to keep working on them and that any new relationship would also have issues.

He seemed to focus a lot on D, that he still had too much hurt and knew he wasn't ready to come home yet, that he would just screw things up. But then talked about how he loves me and he can't escape his heart and he knows D doesn't fix everything and make the hurt go away. I again mainly listened, but did use a play from Raine's book and tell him he'll never find the depth of connection with anyone else he has with me, and he agreed. But then also said he's not in a place he can give all of himself to me and so it's better not to do halfway.

I did get a little emotional when his EA came up and we talked through some of it. He was no longer defensive at all like he used to be. He asked me some questions about what I was feeling and I explained that I was working on it but took a hit to my self esteem b/c I felt like I wasn't worth being with or was second choice. He said it was never about me it was the emotional distance between us at the time and his need for affection and attention, and he's still scared he would mess up again if we hit a rough patch. I said I understand it wasnt about my own worth, but it's not a logical thing I need to process it's the emotions of it, just like his issues. I also told him there are no guarantees, I get that. He agreed that some things make logical sense but our emotions take over. Early in the process of his distancing ( aka MLC) he got to a point that if he didn't make me happy, he felt he was worthless, if I didn't want to ML he was worthless, and on and on. I again validated and said I understood. He also asked if in regard to his EA was there anything he could do to help me process it. I said sometimes when we talk it seems you don't agree you took it too far. He paused for a moment, and said based on his first reaction to my statement he could see why it seemed that way. Then he looked in my eyes and said " I'm sorry. I was wrong. I took things too far". I thanked him for that and made sure to reiterate that I know I did much to contribute to the distance between us that led to that opportunity.

He talked about how amazing I have been and that he wants to raise these kids with me together. He said he knows he spends an awful lot of time with us at the house and obviously enjoys it. ( his counselor frequently tells him he's still married he's just sleeping in a really expensive hotel at night).

He asked about if we were D could we still have the same relationship we do now and could he still come over and see kids if he only has a tiny apt where there isn't room for them.
I said I'll never keep you from kids so we can figure things out for that piece, but as far as us I don't know. I think our interactions would significantly change. ( of course who am I kidding- a long as there was no OW I would still stay as close to him as I am now. At least initially. But I'm not telling him that).

There was so much more to this conversation but the gist is as above. It's like he wants to take the leap to try again but is too fearful. His talking was often focused on ending it but his actions ( body language, eyes, gentle touches between us) spoke much love and desire.
And of course at the end of the 2 HOUR! talk, we ML.
I was snuggling him after and I said something about a " next time",
And he said " there will always be a next time". I'll take that as he's not ready to let go of me yet

[Atsbaby]

Daring,
You are making many good choices. Your h is picking up on that support that you are providing. I think you guys are moving in the right direction.

Keep giving him his space and encourage him. Don't forget to believe none of what they say and only 1/2 of what they do...body language speaks volumes!

Good luck!

[daring]

Thanks Atsbaby- I can use the positive reinforcement for sure!

I'm venting here so I don't do something stupid. For the first time since separation- we are having a pool party BBQ. Was H's suggestion. Includes neighbors and friends from H work- we used to do this almost every weekend. It includes our neighbor who was EA ( if you haven't read my thread much- I really like her- our kids are best friends).

I'm slightly tipsy, and feeling pretty frustrated. Was a big emotional mess this morning already after our talk yesterday.
Now seeing neighbor ( former EA) and her husband snuggling and reconnecting, also H's friends from work that are sort of my friends too being romantic. And I'm annoyed. Really? If you don't know what you want then fine- go figure it out. If it's easier to start over go for it- good f'n liuck. If it's not worth working on b/c it's too painful for you even though I've walked through the pain- fine. I'm ready to just find someone who doesn't run when it's hard.

I know that's probably not the absolute truth, and this is a tough situation given the get together, recent talks and current alcohol consumption. But it's where I'm at.

[daring]

Ok I'm better now, regained my composure.

H and I both talked some after the BBQ about how it was hard for both of us to see the "couple time" people were having. I got a little emotional again ( stupid alcohol!) about some things I was still working through. H was awesome, berry supportive and wanted to understand how I was feeling and what my thought processes were. He checked in on me this morning to make sure I was ok.

I also forgot to mention that the other day when he had the R talk and was saying he didn't know which way he was going to go, he also talked about how I was his best friend ( a lot) and he also went to Home Depot that day to get things to fix up some house issues.
I need to dig deep and keep working on me. There are a lot of positives here. Need to focus on those and just be still ( as Job always tells people).

Glad I have this board to vent on though- kept me from reacting in a more if the same way and allowed for fruitful interactions.

[daring]

Back to stressed out and distant H last night.
I came home and he was fixing my leaky toilet but was very distracted and seemed upset. I asked if he was ok and he said no- but I will be. I left it alone after that.
I know he had IC yesterday, and we've had some pretty intense days lately. He's also trying to start a new company and still needs to figure out where to live etc. trying not to mind read- could be any number of things that have nothing to do with me/us.

So on a separate note- time to refocus on me. Going to boot camp today, have my IC, and D12 bday is this weekend so need to finish shopping for her.

Ahhhh I feel so all over and still react to/sucked in by H's moods. Working on more detachment- I know it's a process.

[daring]

Well, now I know why H suddenly shut down- he was bothered by the fact that I had been drinking at the BBQ and then got emotional. He did at least say that he recognized this was more about his own issues surrounding alcohol ( childhood bad experiences with alcoholic grandparents) that are being triggered and he hasn't dealt with yet and he was trying to manage his negative reaction.

I didn't try to defend myself though I did remind him that the whole BBQ was emotional in regards to who was there and all the memories it triggered. He agreed with that. I asked him to just tell me if he's upset but he said he was trying to be sure he had the right words and approach.

As my counselor said today- this is his issue to work through. Just as mine are my own. I need to be sure and not "own" any projection onto me from his past hurts.

Refocusing on me- letting him be.

[daring]

So I feel like I've been posting to myself a lot lately..... Anyone out there? I could definitely use some input.

Since H and I had our convo yesterday when he was upset with me- I have had some (repeat) realizations..... Seems like every few months I get the aha- this is done, time to back off.
So I recognized from our conversation that just because he seems like the old H more often and has quite a bit of insight- HE'S STILL COOKING! ( caps meant to remind me).
He may be able to see some of his issues, he may start to have more feelings for me and question if he really wants to leave- but he still isn't able to handle his unresolved issues when they are triggered and he sure as h3!! can't have any compassion for me right now- nor should I expect it. ( duh! I knew that but I got sucked in again.....)

So how I feel for today is that I need to pull back and not spend so much family time with him- not b/c I'm trying to get a reaction from him or show him what he's missing, but because I need a break. I'm getting too emotional again, the evolving reconnection made me drop my guard and look for mor

[daring]

Oops posted too early-

Was supposed to say I started looking for more than I should have.

I'm still the lighthouse, but going to plant myself on a further away island for a bit and focus on me.