[Elsa]

Yes, he is uncomfortable with questions and tends to accuse me of just not liking the answer he's giving. Upon reflection, I think sometimes he's right about that, but more often (especially now that I'm aware of his complaint) it's because I don't fully understand what he's said.

Another example: Our anniversary was a week after BD. He came over and we did an exercise from a Gottman book that our former MC recommended. As the conversation was winding down, I said, "So, I won't see you again for three weeks after tonight?" (Three weeks was the initial "break" he'd asked for during the S.) He said, "I think we'll play that by ear," and kind of smiled as he said it. So, I thought it was positive, but not entirely sure -- "play it by ear" could be mean that he might want more than three weeks, you know? I consciously chose not to ask him about it then, but a few days later I broke down and he confirmed that he meant it the positive way.

Our MC encouraged over-clarification. I remember asking my H in session, "How can I ask for clarification in a way that doesn't interfere with your need for less conflict," and I think his answer was something like, "We'll just have to see how it plays out." I feel like this is something that must be resolved in order to have a successful R.

[Joe1981]

Ok, ganb8te,
I've caught up on your thread. I agree that some more clarity from your H would possibly be useful. That said, don't push him for it. Stick with the counterintuitive nature of DBing and don't go for the R talk.

Keep showing him why he'd be a fool to leave you. At this stage, worry less about what you'll need to feel good about the R again and focus on what is working in regards to getting him through the fog. Try to stay out of the cheese less tunnels.

Be patient and stay strong!

[gan]

Elsa - nice to get the validation from the MC regarding over-clarification. That would have been useful for H to hear I think. Sounds like we both need to work on trying to convey that we want to truly understand what our Hs are saying and learn to do that in a more loving way that they find less conflict-y. That or our Hs just need to get a grip and deal with it already!

Joe - thanks for stopping by. So far I'm not pushing but I am struggling to figure out what is working in regards to getting him through the fog. I have so little contact it's just so hard to know. I suppose one thing I did notice was the shift from anger in the initial couple of weeks (I saw him once at a mutual friends farewell party early on) to just general sadness when we met up at around the 9 wk mark.

Today marks 3 months since he moved out. In that time we've seen each other 3 times (once more for him to pick up his stuff in addition to the above) and he's initiated maybe 5 or so text conversations (all of a practical nature). Actually looking back the texts look more business like and cold now than earlier on.

In other news, I'm just back from my GAL activity (volunteering with Red Cross -> training to be a peer educator to support youth attending music festivals). Tonight - as I laughed away at the jokes the program manager was making - I found myself wondering if/when my H ever made me laugh like that. Will he ever again? And how old is the program manager anyway ;-)

It's just so hard to imagine that we can come back from here…

[gan]

OK, pop quiz time. Preparation: my previous post regarding limited amount of contact in last 3 months.

1. I'm off to Tanzania for a week next week (for work). Do I:

A) Send a courtesy email to let him know I am away and hope he's doing well.

B) Not tell H. My international travel was a bit controversial in our R in any case (ironically because it was time away from my H and he didn't do well with that. I guess he was also worried).

C) Send a courtesy email to let him know I am away and let him know that he's welcome to stop by and pick up a box of things I have packed up for him in preparation for my move in a couple of weeks (He already know's I am moving though I've not told him the exact date. This would be a bit of a 180 because early on I said I wanted to be at the house when he was dropping by to pick up his things).

D) Other. Explain: ______________________________

[LisaB]

Ganb8te, will you be incommunicado in Tanzania? If not then don't worry about sending a text. But you can if you like. Maybe the "excuse" of him picking up his stuff can be your reason. (funny how this parallels my current situation)

Maybe just say "Hi! I'm off to Tanzania for a week tomorrow. Just wanted to let you know in case you'd like to pick up your box while I'm away. Hope all is well!"

Don't know, maybe someone else has better feedback.

Hugs, Lisa

[DFE]

Isn't part of DB creating a sense of mystery and GAL'ing. I wouldn't tell him I was leaving. Let him wonder

[gan]

Thanks DFE for the reminder about being mysterious. I guess that never feels very applicable in my case since he's not ever asking about my whereabouts. I may go to Tanzania, come back, and he'd be none the wiser.

Lisa, I will be incommunicado for some periods during the week. I guess that's why I feel that it would be courteous to let him know in case he were to get in contact with something urgent. We did agree to communicate if there's an emergency. Who knows if that still applies three months out.

I feel like I'm nothing to him right now. Whatever. I hate this!

[pilot]

Isn't part of DB creating a sense of mystery and GAL'ing. I wouldn't tell him I was leaving. Let him wonder

I vote this!

[Joe1981]

I agree with not saying anything. Maybe leave a note on the kitchen table saying you're on work travel in Tanzania in case he does stop by to get his stuff. I wouldn't even volunteer where you are when there unless you have to (like he asks where you are).

He needs some kind of wake up call. Maybe you vanishing will help.

[gan]

OK Everyone. Reading you loud and clear. Thanks.