WAW still at home, 3 weeks after asking for D

[bdub]

Every day now I seem to be feeling a little bit better. I still have moments when I have some anxiety but they are less frequent and less intense. I finally got up the nerve to ask W if she had ended her R with OM and she immediately got defensive and told me she wasnt going to talk to me about it. I told her I just needed a yes or no answer. Have you told him ? She said yes she had told him and she was no longer "seeing him" I am not sure what that means. I am sure they still communicate, but as I said before shes going to let him down easy and it wont end all in one day.
We went to a counseling session last night and rode together. half an hour to the office and half an hour back. We talked about little things all the way in and it was pleasant. We struggled a little more on the way home. I was reflecting on what was said and done during counseling and she said she was tired and sort of zoned out. By then we had been talking for 2 and a half hours so the quiet time was welcome.

I have been working hard on detaching and I think I am seeing some results. Her actions and words no longer effect me like they did 2 weeks ago. It is pretty tough to detach with her at home but I am doing whatever I can at this point. I made a point to work on almost all of my 180s yesterday and actually had a chance to let a few of them shine in counseling. I have had more than one person tell me that they have noticed some changes in my and my behavior and attitude. One friend in particular seems to be amazed that I am making myself better AND dealing with a separation at the same time.

[Wet]

Hi Bdub, good work on the detaching and feeling better every day.

But... Why are you so focused on the OM? Keep the focus on yourself, and moving forward, GAL, and enjoying your sons. Get your focus off of your WAW. I would recommend you never mention OM again to your W.

Have you read Sandi's 37 rules?

[bdub]

I have read the rules. I chose to focus on the OM because it was stressing both of us out. Mentally I was tapped out and was to the breaking point. Emotionally and mentally she was tapped out and was starting to lose focus on the kids and on being cooperative. If she was not living at home I would not have been as obsessed with it. In this situation it turned out that I was right to push the issue on the other R. After she ended it, or started to end it, she immediately became more reasonable, less stressed, and more focused on the boys. If I would have allowed it to continue our R would have ended in me kicking her out and then we would have raced to file D. Since our goal is co-parenting and a cordial split, the OM was a huge hurdle for both of us. I know that is not typical DB behavior but I have adapted DB to my situation and it had to happen.
Another way to put it: since she ended her OR the alien residing in her head has lost a LOT of its influence on her. It is still there, but does not come out as often, and is no where near "off the wall".

[bdub]

After she answered my question last night, I will not bring it up anymore. When she told me she was going to end it, she never said it was over, she said she was going to end it. So, I got my confirmation and I will move on. I waited 7 days after she first brought it up before I asked about it.

Every day I become a little more detached. I have even started questioning if I love her, or if I love the idea of being married.

[Hoju]

This is definitely a journey of self realization more then anything. Perhaps it's good you're questioning if you truly love her, it's something you will need to work out for yourself before a reconciliation will ever be possible

[bdub]

I hate to say this, but in the event I fail at DB, I really think I can pretty easily convince myself that I was not in fact in love with her. I was in love with being in love and being married and having a family. As I detach further I see more and more of the negatives. Maybe I am re writing our marital history now. I hope not because I want to remember the good times we had.

[DFE]

Bdub I don't think you fail at DB if you D. I think DB is to help you get to a place where you realize what you want and are at peace with it. Although it would be great to save your marriage that may not happen. And you may not want it to happen. I think you have succeeded at DB when you are at peace with everything and can move on.

[bdub]

Thank you DFE. It seems like I am going through a lot of the same things as others on here. I have also been reading DB and DR again, and a book called rebuilding. Its more about rebuilding after D, but I thought it would be good insight, just like my next book, 5 love languages. Anyway, I am going through things that have taken others 6 of 8 months of separation to get through, and my WAW hasnt even left the house. I hope its a result of working on detaching. I think it may be me putting up walls to protect myself, and that scares me. W is really dragging her feet on her move right now and it could be a small positive sign. However, every day I feel less and less and think less and less about her. My thoughts have shifted towards what I will do when Im single. Who will I date? (not IF I will date), how will finances be? should I trade in the gas guzzler for a fuel sipper? are there any good bars/clubs around anymore? am I willing to drive 45 miles to the nearest city to socialize?
I am sure this will go away, and it could have something to do with the fact that I have had a decent amount of alcohol the past 2 nights. I dont know.
We are spending more and more time apart and I find myself being relieved to be away from her anger and her negative attitude.

Rollercoaster alert: I am at work as I type this. While I was typing the last sentence the W waltzed into my office. First time in 4 or 5 years she has been in my office. She was running S10 to football practice and decided to come sit with me for a while. Pleasant, smiling, happy, engaging and genuinely happy to see me. Is it a coincidence since I made plans last night to go out, and she stayed at the camper with the boys and I ended up sleeping at home alone? I am not going to mind read on this one and just take it as a small sign that maybe I was heading down the wrong road in the first half of my post. Detach, GAL and 180......

[igit]

B dub it's a roller coaster ride for sure. I have been in similiar boat since jan.same stuff w wanted to move out. Other m in picture. So moments of her old self. She just filed now I am counting on this D to go thru. Treating this like a business deal now. Until other m out of picture no working with her on anything now or in future

[bdub]

This weekend was pretty much more of the same. We continue to exist in the same house. I am as nice as I can be when I see her and I offer to help with anything I can. I am still working on my 180s and GAL.
S10 had his first football game. S 13 and I sat down and W decided to sit up a row from us and down a few feet. Little things like that, or choosing to sit on the other side of the camp fire, just boggles my mind. I suppose thats the difference between the mindset of a WAW and a LBS.
Detaching is still coming along. I need to go see my friend that helps provoke my anger. Every time I talk to him I create more distance. It has been 9 days since the last tears were shed. Another good way to judge detachment?