Well...enough about me, what do YOU think of me???

[uRworthy]

Shining, I want you to know I completely get you wanting to understand this. Completely. I spent many months doing the same thing. Trying to figure out when it started, what got it started, where he was at.

I thought if I could get my mind around it, it would help me move forward. I thought if I could understand, I could help him.

Took me a long time to be able to let go of all of that.

That is also the reason why I try so hard to get others to see that is the only way to do this.

I wasted valuable time trying to understand. Time that was better spent on my son and I. Not because we were more important than he was, but, because what I was trying to do wouldnt make any difference.

The truth is that you cannot know. You cannot figure it out. No matter how hard you try. Trust me on that. Even if you can figure out what issues brought him into the tunnel...you cant help him work through it.

I know that's hard to accept. I do. I see you going round and round here. Maybe that's what you need to do in order to come to acceptance.

I just hate to see you torture yourself over something that has nothing at all to do with you. I hate to see you questioning all that you knew to be true.

Sweetie, take the leap of faith. Just take it. Allow yourself to accept that this is bigger than you are. It is his. All his. No amount of love, no amount of analysis or thoughts are going to change what is. And that is that he is on a path that was his destiny.

Allow him to walk it. Its the only way.

It's ok, S. It's ok to let him go. You arent quitting on him. You arent giving up. You dont love him any less.

You are allowing him the best chance he has of coming out the other side.

He will go in and out and around the tunnel. He will have moments of clarity and moments of being his old self.

It's a tough road for him, for sure. Tough for you, too.

The greatest gift you can give him is to let him walk this. That is unconditional love right there.

[beatrice]

Hi, UR is right - nothing wrong with trying to understand MLC - Job has read so much and really gets what it is all about Some people need to do this, and I am one of them BUT It doesn't alter their journey, it makes it less personal, less about us, and helped me in different ways.

In the early stages I felt horrible and rejected so understanding the MLC process helped me see it wasn't me. Further on I can see MLC in the broader context of personality disorder and dysfunctionality

What I do know is that what everyone says is right - this is their journey and also our journey. Our chance to grow and develop. To drop the rope and get our own lives. Living with someone who became dysfunctional to the point of MLC takes its own toll and we have much to heal from

I have changed the patterns of a lifetime, and am happier as a result. It was a great gift (which is took a very long time to see and accept) to be freed from a relationship which had become dysfunctional and would only have become more so. You have a chance to take the focus of your husband and put it on yourself. He will either get through this or he won't, and if he does you will be better placed to have a better marriage

If he doesn't, then you will have a great life. It is a crucible and we are in the refiners fire.

[Shining]

UR, job, bea, GB, Heather, Mighty, Ats, Mirage, Matt, daring, thank you for the life raft yesterday. I really needed the truth, support and wisdom, and you all were here for me. I am feeling so overwhelmed. Not constant, fetal position despair, but it still comes and goes. I'm not past the current wave of sadness yet, but I have enough to catch my breath now. It's so comforting to be able to reach out, dump my head trash without judgment, and have the words of experience and perspective help me reset.

It's all so ridiculous. I feel like I'm acting like some spoiled brat who can't have her "way". I admit, I am used to getting my way....but never with an entitlement mindset. I'm used to working for it, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I was not born with a silver spoon. Not poor, but everything was earned. This marriage was earned.

We worked so hard for so long to get together, we planned (haha....plans) our life together, set personal, financial, and familial goals, and we met them. We supported and respected each other, until this all hit. We had our bad days, our fights, made mistakes....but we were great friends. REALLY great friends. We often commented and joked about the fact that we were so attracted to each other, but hey, cool, turns out I really like you, too! We didn't walk around the house with tension, avoiding each other, glaring, making rude comments or gestures. I know that scene. We didn't have that.

^^^^ That right there is one thing you all are trying to get across. This was never about me or us. ^^^^^

This was going to happen no matter how perfect I could have been. For the record, I wasn't.... (Not a necessary clarification, I'm sure, but so you all know I know haha). I over functioned. I enabled. I am codependent. I didn't always address things H wanted me to. I was not the wife I could have been. But I'm still pretty awesome, I think.

But I have to disconnect my faults from this situation. Identify what I can change and fix (and I have done a lot, but still so much more work to do.....wow). I have to let God work on H.

I do have a lot going on with my kids, and that fills much of my time. They are my world. The detachment jar is working wonders. I haven't paid-in for about 6 days I think.... I'm self conscious about my grieving around them. I don't hide my feelings, but I don't pull the kids into it, either. I tell them (probably once every 10-14 days) if I'm having a little bit of a tough day, but I'm ok. We'll be ok. We've done this before, and we can do this again. Then we change the subject and talk movies or Supernatural (current Netfilx obsession of theirs).

As I read my thread, I find myself answering your posts out loud at times...."Yes, I absolutely love H enough to let him walk his journey!" "Yes, I want to be a better person for him to return to, should that happen." "Yep, I'm trying to fix this and analyze...I sure am." I feel like your all right at my side. That is a huge blessing for this lonely gal.

Time to be still. Be quiet. Regroup. Pull back. Calm down. Breathe..... Let go.

I'll get there. Thanks to you all, I will for sure.

[Shining]

Quick update...

I got a call from the job recruiter today.....follow up with HR for the high-paying (well, high for me) downtown job. Apparently, of the candidates she has interviewed, I am the only one so far that fits "what she's looking for." So that was good for my PMA . She said they are going to continue to interview, since HR will need to bring 2-3 candidates to the next level. So, I haven't been ruled out!

This is the job that H got weird about for some reason. Telling me I would be happier with a closer, less stressful job, the commute is going to be so much farther, quality of life blah blah blah... Oh, I'm sorry, H, why is it that you think your opinion matters at this point? Strange to me that there would be any concern at all regarding what I do. It does not affect him.

Is it bad that it makes me want the job even more????

[daring]

Ha! I don't think that's bad at all- sometimes we just need to feel our juvenile side as long as we don't act it out!! I would be same way.

Wishing you lots if good luck and PMA for the next round of interviews!

[Shining]

Thanks, Daring! I'll take all the luck I can get.

Oh! I just remembered.... (And this is good because my not-thinking-about-H is making me forget stuff until now)

H also said not to worry about house repair money I owe him, because he's "in a better financial position right now" than I am....AND... because, ok get this...since I'm job hunting and the best opportunity (so far) is far away....take my time and keep looking because, wait for it....

He doesn't want me to settle.

Oh, I won't settle, H. I promise.

Snipey tonight, aren't I?

[uRworthy]

Now there's the Shining I have been getting to know...:)

Attagirl!

Did I ever tell you about my wall? The one that has the huge dent in it from hitting my head against it trying to figure out my h? Yea....fun times....not. LOL!

[Shining]

Yeah...uR.... I have that same wall. But you knew that.

Here is where I'm at today:
1. I'm pretty awesome.
2. I'm worthy of being happy.
3. My kids are growing into some amazing young adult-like beings.
4. The sun is shining.
5. My rent is paid.
6. My dog is a spaz.
6. Nothing h does or says matters at all, because he's absolutely crazy and it's obvious because he doesn't want to be married to me right now, and, well....refer to #1.

Life is too good to be wasted. And I'm too good to be left behind.

[uRworthy]

True freakin that, S. I like....

Wrote this on my thread to you. "You know, I have had some things going on in my life and had taken a break from the boards.

But something told me to come and check out the forum. When I did, I was drawn to your posts.

You are right, we have clicked. I see a lot of me in you. Your stubbornness and your ability to laugh at yourself and some other things.

It happens on here from time to time where there is a connection. Some of those people have become very dear friends of mine."

You got this, Shining....

[Shining]

uR, I believed in my heart that I was one of the reasons you came back when I read your post. That there are no coincidences, and something greater than we can understand calls us to be exactly where we need to be, when we need to be there.

This whole board is a blessing. But, for some reason, your words speak to me in a way my soul can understand. I am certain I found this site because I needed to read your words. Not done, though! Disclaimer: That past-tense "needed" includes current and future needs, as well!!! Keep it coming, please.

Back to the something greater.... If I truly believe what I wrote above, I also have to believe and accept that I am called away from H right now for a reason. And I need to be where I am, whether I understand that reason or not.