The Waiting One (and tired of it)

[Matt165]

Hi Ats,
So, he was out with OW, came to you at 4:00 AM to have sex with you, not her and went back to OW since he never showed at his mothers home and the kids didn't see him? Wow, that takes an amazing amount of a$$hatness if you ask me! What an awful thing to do. Don't feel bad about it. I probably would have reacted the exact same way if my W showed up at 4:00 AM wanting to have sex. And would have felt the same way you did after. I mean he didn't even stay after? He just "hit and ran"? Good God, what is wrong with these MLC jerks! Let me tell you. Here in TX, someone sneaking into the bedroom at 4:00 AM unannounced is libel to get shot! He chose to leave the home and you. Maybe you need to start leaving some pepper spray next to the bed and next time he tries that one he can get a face full!

He is definitely pursuing you big time but only for what HE wants! He has not one thought about what you want, what's important to YOU! Be ready for the distancing as that is coming for sure. By the way, please don't assume that he isn't having sex with OW. You now are certain there IS an OW and if he is having sex with her then he may not be "clean" if you get what I'm saying. The last thing you need to have to deal with is a STD on top of everything else.

I really care about you and the other friends that I've come to know here on these boards and it made me really angry to read about what he pulled! Here you are trying to deal with all the fallout from HIS bad choices and he has the gall to do that. To approach you when you aren't able to really think about it, that's taking advantage of the fact that you still care and want the M to work. Don't you dare feel bad about it! You still see him as your H, the father of your kids and of course your natural reaction when half asleep is the one you had. He is the one who has run away, found OW, is tearing up the family. Also, he has no right to get angry or expect you to tell him if the kids stay with their grand parents. It's not like they are with some stranger, that is a control thing, nothing more. Now, if they are going to a friends or someone who he doesn't know or a non family member I can see that it's only common courtesy to let him know. When with their grand parents I think they are safe.

Be strong Ats. He is all about him right now and he is using you for his homework buddy, care taker for his kids, wants to keep tabs on you to see if you are out with a man all while he is dating someone else and then thinks it's OK to jump you when you're half asleep. It's like he has permission to do whatever he wants while you are supposed to be there like his W when HE feels like it. Use this to help you detach Ats. You deserve to be treated better than this. You are the prize and part of him knows this. It's not easy, Lord knows I have had a hard time with detaching. Do it for you!

[Atsbaby]

Thanks Shining. I know OW is a bandaid, but it's so hard to keep that train of thought!

GB- I never thought about the history piece. You're so right. He's running from his past, I'm his past and present. Hopefully his future, but only time will tell. He has LOTS of work to do on himself and our relationship!

Matt- you make me laugh! I should move my gun next to the bed, he'll think twice next time You are so right that he is pursuing for himself, which I guess would be why he is pursuing. Plus it reassures him I'm still here.

Not anymore. I'm detaching and setting strict boundaries. I really want a relationship with him, but not one where I'm not respected. I think I need to figure out how he can "miss" me more.

Currently trying to find a "date" for Friday night. I have tickets to see Joel Osteen. Need more God in my life. I was hoping Clark would come, but I get it, he's mad at God too.

Goal: not to be a doormat, gullible or give in easily.

[Atsbaby]

I'm not in a very pleasant mood tonight. Still fired up about the past few days. I'm really struggling with forgiving myself for stupid behaviors, and I know I shouldn't blame myself, but this is one of those things I need to work on.

Clark emailed asking me if I had anything planned for dinner. I waited a long time to answer and told him no (he NEVER cooks dinner for the kids, I just assumed the same tonight). So he asked if I wanted him to pick me up anything. Sure why not.

By the time I got home, I was still steaming at him, so I went for a run. Helped a bit. Tucked the kids in to bed and talked to a friend. Clark asked if we were still splitting the weekend, me Saturday, him Sunday. Sure why not, take your f***ing gf to MY football game. That's ok, be here at 9am to get the kids. I got plans and you need to be with the kids!!!

I just cannot figure out how to let this go. I'm really trying but he burned me good this time. I don't even want him around the kids. I want to tell them how much of an @$$hat he is, but we all know I'm better than that.

Positive note, I'm prettier than OW. And I may have a "date" for Friday night

Goal: still not being a doormat, gullible or giving in easy

[Atsbaby]

Confirmed date for tomorrow! Long time gf and Godmother of my kiddos. Clark surprisingly didn't throw a fit over watching the kids. Doesn't know what I'm doing and going to leave it that way!

So it takes me an extra 15 minutes to get home after the kids arrive from the bus. They call everyday so I know they made it safe. D9 had lots of hw tonight and shouldn't go to S10 practice. Clark and I decided one would stay home and the other would go to practice.

D9 calls and wants me to stay with her. I don't get to see much of s, so I decided I'd go with him. D9 tells me, "I want you to stay because I love you more than daddy." WOW! I know it could have been manipulation, but I don't think so!

Clark comes in and purposely says hi. He made no efforts to contact today...first time in a long time. He was also very grumpy. Any combination of things and I'm not going to try and figure it out

S and I leave. Good practice and I did some light reading while he wasn't hitting or throwing. We returned home to a grumpy house...uuugghhh!

Clark has ticked off D and she isn't feeling well and is mad that she didn't finish her hw in time to play outside. I cook dinner for the two babies, as always, and make myself a sandwich. Clark sits on the couch away from us and watches tv or focuses on what ever in his brain.

I medicate D. I snuggle with her. I get S in the shower. I tend to his cuts. I put the kids to bed. This running theme is starting to make me very angry. Get off your @$$ and help out. YOU are their dad. He does commit to calling the dr in the morning for D. We'll see if he follows through. I have a meeting all day, but will try to be available for D.

I got some me, me, me blah. Validated and stopped talking. Clark finally left. I think I'm being more cold towards him than I really should be. I can't help it, but that was part of my light reading today, to be more positive always.

Goal: be more assertive (more positive way to say not be a doormat!) and be more positive

[Atsbaby]

The past 48 hours have been a tough roller coaster ride for me

So I txt Clark Friday morning to see if he called dr. Says he's in the process (my guess is he forgot). 45 minutes later txt back that she has an afternoon appt and he called my dad to take her. I wait 1 1/2 hours to txt back (plus being in a meeting helped!), "Wow, that's late. Thank you for taking care of it. I appreciate your help"

What do I get back? "You don't have to thank me. They are my kids. It's my job as a parent and I don't mind at all"

Seriously? You really haven't been a parent the last 5 months. You seemed a little ticked that I asked you to take care of it the night before. AND you were doing this as a favor to me, not your D. You never once mentioned calling the doctor!

Have to get this out...I'm holding too much anger in me!

So Clark calls at 5 to find out what time I need to leave for my evening. I tell him 5:30. Says he has to get gas first. Ok. He gets home and I pretty much leave. Clark tells me his plans for the evening...homework, dinner and more homework. Ok have fun.

I'm not out of the neighborhood before he calls me. So I never heard what was wrong with D. You can't ask her...so I tell him. Then he asks, did you find someone to go with you? How the he!! did he remember where I was going? We talked in June about this. I told him yes. Then he wished me fun, said we would and we hung up. D also figured out who I was going with. So much for being mysterious!

[Atsbaby]

So I was really emotional listening to the sermon. Everything he was preaching was in line with everything I'm reading about, being more positive and that God wants what I want and if He can't give it to me, I'll be rewarded in some way, bigger and better.

"What God joins together, no man can separate." Just saying Clark! But I understand free will, so I guess if Clark stays stuck then I'll be rewarded bigger and better (even though I'm still stuck on Clark. God knows why, I sure don't!)

So my gf and I go grab dessert afterwards and she is so stuck on the @$$hat that Clark has become. I haven't even told her everything! I know she wants what's best for me, but she really brought me down. She just doesn't get it. I tried telling her that he's not in his right state of mind, and she agrees but then goes on with her rambling that I deserve better and shouldn't wait for him and blah, blah, blah. I love her, but was so glad when we parted ways!

When I got home, I was ready for bed. I was very emotional all evening and just wanted the day to be over. Clark was kind and wished me a good night sleep. I hate being so attached to him. It hurt to watch him leave. For whatever reason, I had the house phone in my hand and decided to look to see if he called anyone, glutton for punishment! Instead I found that he had *69 a few numbers...you checking up on me Clark? I'm sure he was disappointed since they are all sales calls, lol.

[Atsbaby]

Tonight is going to be hard for me.

Clark meets us at S football game and pays for me to get in. Thanks. After talking with a parent from another team, comes and sits with me. I really hate this because I don't want to be your friend, I want to be your wife. I treated him like any other parent I'd talk to, short and polite answers.

When we left, I knew where Clark was headed, MY college football game with OW. I'm short and cold as he told the kids goodbye. He doesn't give them hugs or kisses, just says he'll call shortly. No you won't! Please stop lying to them!!

I had decided since we were about 5 minutes from Clark's dad (just had surgery yesterday), that the kids and I would stop by to see him. He was glad that we did. Clark hasn't seen his dad in a couple weeks. I can't even think of the words to say regarding his relationship with his dad. Your dad screws you up, yet you can tell him you love him. I'm supporting and loving and you walk out on me...I really hate this MLC cr@p!

Hopefully tonight will be better than Monday night. First I have the kids, who are a great distraction to help me not think of Clark. And second, if Clark tries to pull the same $h!t he did Monday, I will knock his f***ing teeth out! I really do want to punch him, but I don't think that's a good db strategy!

On a positive note, I signed up to learn to tango tomorrow afternoon. I'm really excited!

Goal: be assertive, be positive, don't think about Clark

[2BHappy]

It's hard "standing" and being the LBS. You realize when your emotions are all over the place and I see you doing things to GAL and keep your emotions in check...keep up the good work the emotional reactions will come and go less and less..it has for me.
Don't beat yourself up about sex with your H, but be careful since there is a OW use protection or know that you could be putting yourself at risk.

My H and I have sex more often now, I had STD testing, H did not. I did tell him and he told me he was not worried and did not need a test...it was NOT a easy conversation...and I still feel like I should be tested often,,,not doing good at using condoms...all that to say, protect yourself or take the risk if there is OW then your H could be having sex with OW also.

Keep GAL and focus on you and your kids it will get easier,,which is good for you but maybe not for your M.

It [censored] that you have to have the D final in order to get child support.

I have a friend who H left and moved to another state but neither filed for D and she is now able to file for child support...

[Atsbaby]

Thanks 2B.

I'm really struggling today. I had all these plans to spend the evening with my kids, but they wanted to spend the night at a friends house. I accidentally made D upset. I know they want to play and be with their friends, but it seems like it's my time with them that gets taken away. I apologized to D because she was now torn about being with her friends or with me.

I'm so lonely. All my friends are far away and I have no one to just call up and hang out with. Clark was my best friend and now I don't have that either. I'm cycling bad into this depression and I hate it. This is not me. I've always been a happy person. I've always known where I was headed and now I don't.

Clark just stopped back by the house. The kids were happy because he bought more of their love. So I get into a funk. Then D tells me they are going to see a movie, but S has team pics today, so this means they won't be home until late. I won't get to spend any time with them, once again. As they are walking out the door, Clark says that I could be nice to him. I just can't seem to muster this up. He is f***ing dating some wh@re while we are MARRIED!

I hate the person Clark has become. I just HATE him!! He is ruining my life and my plans. This is not what my life is supposed to be like. I'm supposed to be happily married with two beautiful kids, a great job and plans for the future with superman.

[Shining]

I'm sorry your day is a tough one, Ats. It's harder when he kiddos are gone, and we are left to figure out new habits.

I hate the person Clark has become. I just HATE him!! He is ruining my life and my plans. This is not what my life is supposed to be like. I'm supposed to be happily married with two beautiful kids, a great job and plans for the future with superman.

^^^ this....^^^^

His choices don't have to ruin your life. Don't give him that power. It isn't fair what they did. It's not how we thought it was supposed to be. But it's how it is.

The good news is that you can change and control the outcome anytime you want. You can still be happily married if you choose. You just can't choose for Clark, so it may or may not be with him.....follow? I find it easier to let go of the "happily married" label, and drop the married part.... Be happy, regardless.

I hated to hear things like this. But the sooner I got past it, the better I felt.

You still have two beautiful kids and the great job. You can still have plans for the future, although they may be different plans than the original. Doesn't mean they are worse....they usually end up better. I don't know any couple who lived all their original plans, come to think of it...

Regarding Superman.... Time will tell if Clark is still Superman. If not, someone else can surprise you down the road and wear the cape.

So for now, decide what you want and what you can do to take the focus off of him, especially when the kids are gone. Spoil yourself, and remember your value. He's crazy, you're worth more, and what he does right now is meaningless. Let him fall on his own. She is a bandaid, a distraction, and things are not as awesome as we imagine, I promise. It's not real. The A will die a natural death and it's a wonderful day when it does. Don't give that any energy, because it's sooooo not worth it. You'll see. Use your time on you, because you're the investment that matters. Just keep being The Glorious Atsbaby you are.

I'm no expert, and I'm learning along with you. We can tag-team picking each other up on down-days .